I wake up from a sound slumber, fully clothed, at 10 o’clock in the morning with a pounding hangover.

“Ugghhhh, what happened last night,” I mutter to myself.

As the fragmented pieces of the night begin to assemble into a somewhat hazy picture, the taste of disgust begins to find it’s way to the back of my mouth. Oh dear god… what did I do?

The last thing I remember, I was standing in the middle of my most frequented bar, the place where I have home field advantage, where all my friends and neighborhood aristocrats hang out, embracing a rather tubby fat girl in full tongue-down mode…

This is what happens when you mix seven hours of drinking on a Sunday with not masturbating in over a week. Things don’t always go to plan and as the booze slowly erodes your logical mind, that’s when the body’s physical needs begin to take over regardless of your standards.

Normally, the incident wouldn’t be so bad, I’d just brush it off as accidental horniness. However, the fact that it occurred on my own turf, where I hold court and generally am regarded with higher status than the average shlub on the street, well, this does not bode well for reputation at this particular watering hole.

Now, I know what you’re saying, so what if she was a little obese, everyone’s done it from time to time. Yea, like I said not normally a big deal, but this particular woman has her own reputation, that of an alpha female of sorts, going around the neighborhood bars and seducing unsuspecting drunken betas that fall under her prey.

And being the kind of guy who is normally flirting with girls of much higher quality, I feel like I’ve lost a few notches of symbolic status at my home field by publicly making out with the neighborhood slut. Though thankfully, making out is as far as it went.

While this was probably a big win in her book, I am now on damage control. Because the neighborhood bar is composed of a tight knit group of fellow neighbors and party goers, word is sure to get around to the others. Not to mention the most damaging of all, the potential loss of attraction in the eyes of those much hotter females that I have been actively pursuing.

My friend suggested I find a model or celebrity to date and bang her on top of the bar to make up for any deflationary trends in my value. It’s a creative solution to the problem, but not very realistic.

Any suggestions on how to damage control this?

You’re walking down the street, hand in hand with a beautiful woman. You’ve just finished your date. Suddenly, it begins to rain. What do you do? Run for cover? Hold a newspaper over your heads? Nope, just stand there and go for the kiss.

Romance stories have been around since the beginning of man’s existence. The perfect romantic moment has been ingrained in our subconscious throughout our lives. Through movies and books, the image of a man and woman embracing in that perfect moment has been branded into our brains. We are led to believe that this is how love is supposed to work.

Unfortunately, life is not perfect. And waiting for that one special moment and the perfect timing may never come. I think we realize this. We realize that the odds of some incredibly romantic moment happening on a whim is low. However, what if you could nudge those odds in the right direction?

There is a website called 43 Things, which is basically a to-do list for your life. Out of curiosity I decided to look at the top ten things that people had on their lists. One which caught my eye was simply “kiss in the rain.” As of today, there are 13,287 people who want to do this. Keep in mind, this is just a small sample of the world. If we scale this up, it wouldn’t be hard to imagine that there are hundreds of millions of people who want to experience this one thing. Not surprisingly, most of these people are women.

The idea of having the perfect moment is so ingrained into our thoughts that women are willing to put this on their to-do list. The problem is that by making it a to-do item, you rip the spontaneity and romance out of it. It defeats the whole point of that special movie moment. You just can’t plan something like that. It makes me think that it’s not really the exact moment that people are after but telling people that they’ve experienced it.

So how do we use this to our advantage? We know the difficulty of making the perfect moment happen, so why even try? Here’s the thing, assuming the logistics are right, the moment doesn’t have to be perfect at all. You just need to get it close enough.

For example, if you wanted to kiss in the rain, you only need three things: a girl that wants to kiss you, an outside location, and some rain. It doesn’t matter if the kiss is sloppy, the rain is causing your clothes to chafe against your body or one of you falls into a puddle. It doesn’t have to be perfect, because when she tells the story to her friends, it will be.

Have you ever heard someone tell a story that got more and more grandiose every time they told it? It’s not because they are lying, the story is basically true. It’s the details that get re-arranged. Certain things get left out. Some things are embellished. Over time, the story gets shaped into something that you would read from a novel; something more akin to the elusive ‘perfect moment.’

And when she is sitting around describing that ‘perfect moment’ to her friends, then you will be the one in that story and you will be the one that made it happen. She can finally cross it off her life list and say with a gleam in her eyes that yes, “I have kissed in the rain.”

Last Sunday, as I’m heading out the door to watch the Pats game at the local pub, I get a call from an old female friend of mine. I haven’t talked to her in over a year, so it was a bit surprising to get a call from her out of the blue.

Swim Girl: Hey, what are you doing for the Pats game?
M.Savage: Oh, I was just about to head over to the local pub, why don’t you meet me down there?
Swim Girl: Okay, I’ll see you in ten minutes.
M.Savage: Great, I’ll see you there.

The phone conversation was short and to the point. It was like we were both on a mission with similar agendas.

I head down to the local pub and commandeer a small table for the two us. She walks in, I hug her and give her a kiss on the cheek. The normal “catching up” conversation ensues.

We watch the game. It was off the hook. The whole pub was on the edge of their seats during the entire 4th quarter. Finally the place erupts in cheers and high fives. We are victorious!

After things settle down, I get into some light banter with Swim Girl. Every so often she lightly touches my arm or my thigh. I grab her hand and hold it while continuing to get into good rapport.

There is a moment in the conversation where the words stop. I give her a deep hard look into her eyes and convey my intentions. She knows.

She tells me that she has to go now. As she gets up I walk her outside. She tells me goodbye, but I don’t let her go. I grab her hand, pull her close to my body and kiss her.

I give her that deep hard look again. I tell her to come over but she doesn’t want things to be weird in the morning. I reassure her that everything will be fine and we head back to my place.

As soon as we enter the bedroom, there is a frenzy of kissing and groping. Clothes start to come off. I kiss her neck and I caress her breasts. She gives me a massage. We don’t have sex as there is some resistance. It’s fine because I know I have just created a friend with benefits. The urge to resist tonight will pay itself off with a regular flow of dividends in the future.

First, this is a long field report, but it’s good. Actually, it is probably more of a tragic comedy than a field report. The first parts of the night are a bit standard approaching but it gets really entertaining towards the end. So, if you are only interested in the good stuff then I’d recommend scrolling down to the section titled “Good Stuff.”

Irish Pub

Approach 44: While watching the playoff games with some buddies, I see a tall attractive woman sitting by herself (we’ll call her HBJanis). I smile at her from across the room and make a motion with my hand to “come hither.” She does. I say hi and ask her if she’s alone and she is. I tell her to hang out with our group. She turns out to be really cool and we all get acquainted and continue watching the game. She is really flirty with all of us and agrees to come to Karaoke with us after the game is over.

Karaoke Bar

Approach 45: We arrive at the Karaoke bar, however, have to wait outside because the place is packed full. While waiting I open a HB who is also waiting to get in. I ask her what songs she is going to sing tonight. She tells me she probably isn’t going to sing because she’s not a good singer, bla, bla, bla. I bust on her for going to a Karaoke bar and not singing. Finally, a bouncer that I know comes outside and says I can go in. I tell the HB I’ll talk to her later.

Approach 46: Inside the bar, there is some chode singing that “Hippity Hop” song and it is the most awful thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I immediately approach a HB and another dude standing near the bar.

Savage: Wow, this is quite possibly the best rendition of this song I’ve ever heard, what do you think?
HB: Haha, oh yea definitely
Savage: What are you two singing tonight, anything as good as this guy?
HB: oh yea, (mentions some song), what are you going to do?
Savage: Oh I’m singing, “It’s Raining Men”!
HB: What!?! Oh my god are you serious (gives me a weird look)?
Savage: Oh yea, it’s a classic, you want to do it with me, it can be a duet?
HB: Hahaha, ok well if you do it, then I’ll sing with you
Savage: ok cool, I’ll sign us up later.

At this point, I’m forced to eject because HBJanis pulls me up to the stage to sing some Janis Joplin song – hence HBJanis.

Approach 47: After singing, I spot another HB (HBAlanis) sitting at the bar looking through one of the song books. I approach from the side. I gently touch her shoulder, she looks up at me and I say:

Savage: Hi, so what are we going to sing tonight?
HBAlanis: huh?
Savage: Well, if we are going to be a duet, then I need to know what song we are singing together
HBAlanis: Oh, haha, ok well I was thinking about an Alanis Morissette song
Savage: Ah perfect, I do an excellent “You Oughta Know”
HBAlanis: really
Savage: yea listen (I start mumbling and singing the song in funny exaggerated way)

She laughs at my attempts to sing and I tell her to come and get me when we are about to go on. I eject to go to the bathroom.

Approach 48: As I’m coming back from the bathroom, I walk by two HBs playing pool. I say hi and chat with them real quick. I eventually eject as they are mostly occupied by the pool game.
——

I go back towards the stage area and just as someone starts to sing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” HBJanis grabs my arm. We start slow dancing. Things start to heat up a bit as our hands start to wander. I even dip her during part of the song, which was quite a feat for me considering this girl was about 5 to 6 inches taller than me.

At one point during the dance, HBJanis makes a quick motion with her hand and accidentally scratches my forehead with one of her fingernails.

Savage: oh shit, you just scratched me!
HBJanis: oh my god, I’m soooo sorry!
Savage: (I point to the scratch) Kiss it better (she kisses my forehead)
Savage: ok my turn (I kiss her on the lips, we have a quick make out until I pull away)

There is some more heavy petting as we continue to dance. Once the song is over, she suddenly ejects for some reason and leaves me standing alone on the dance floor.

Approach 49: While standing on the dance floor I look over to the side and see a HB (HBscarf). I say, “hi”. She says hi back and then grabs my hand and we start dancing. Hahaha, this is almost too easy! I dance with this girl for a bit until I eject to go look for HBJanis.

Approach 50: I didn’t get too far in my search when I see a cute asian HB eyeing me from the bar. I approach and say, “Hi”. We talk about the bad Karaoke singers. The conversation doesn’t last long because some chode spills his drink near us and gets it all over the HB. She ends up running off to the bathroom.

Good Stuff

I continue to search for HBJanis but I get ambushed by none other than Tattoo Girl from my first lay!!! She grabs my hand and starts to reel me in. Yikes! I don’t want anything to do with her, I just want to focus on HBJanis.

Suddenly, HBAlanis (not to be confused with HBJanis) who appears on the other side of me grabs my other hand and starts pulling too. Now, these two girls are having a tug of war over me!! I struggle to release my hand from Tattoo Girl. I finally get free and HBAlanis pulls me over and starts grinding the shit out of me. I brush her hair to the side and go in for the kiss. Nice!

At this point, I’m thinking that I don’t want to trigger HBAlanis’ ASD by having a make-out session in the middle of the bar. I tell her that I am starving and that we should go get some food. She agrees and we leave the bar together.

I ask her if there is anything open this late. She suggests that we go to a local pizza place near her apartment to get food to bring it back to her place. I agree and we start walking down the street holding hands.

As we are walking she starts throwing in some preemptive last minute resistance:

HBAlanis: I need to tell you something just so you don’t get the wrong idea
Savage: ok, lay it on me
HBAlanis: I just broke up with my boyfriend after seven years of dating. We were actually engaged but it didn’t work out (I notice that she is still wearing her engagement ring!). So, I’m not really ready to do anything with you tonight because I’m still a bit emotional over this whole thing.
Savage: Ok ok, I understand. Listen, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just think you are a really cool girl and I like you.
HBAlanis: Ok, as long as you understand that we are not going to have sex tonight. We aren’t even going to make out or anything, but if you want to stay over you can, we just can’t do anything.
Savage: Alright, listen, lets just go eat our food and call it a night okay?
HBAlanis: Ok. (long pause) Well, we can probably make out but that is it.

I put my arm around her waist as we are walking and don’t say anything else until we get our food and get back to her apartment.

We are now inside her apartment. I throw the food on the table, we sit on the couch, and I start making out with her. I help her take her boots off and then I take my shoes off. She pulls away from me for a bit and we begin eating our food.

Ok, this part is a bit embarrassing. As we are eating our food I accidentally farted. It wasn’t really loud and it didn’t smell (thank god) but it was enough for her to comment on it.

HBAlanis: Oh my god, did you just fart?
Savage: (I try to play it off as something funny) Uhh no…I think there is a loose board over here or something….haha

She laugh a little bit but it is hard to tell what she is thinking. I know this is definitely a turn-off. Shit.

Just then, her roommate burst in the door and she is completely drunk. She looks over at me and says hi. I realize that this is HBscarf whom I danced with earlier in the night. She starts bumbling around the apartment trying to get to her bedroom. I hear other voices in the hallway. HBAlanis gets up to see what is going on.

Finally, after sitting on the couch for 10 minutes by myself, HBAlanis returns but now there is some dude with her. The guy is holding a giant bottle of wine and taking swigs from it. It turns out he is the next door neighbor. He introduces himself and sits down on the couch right next to me while HBAlanis sits on the other side. ARRRGGHHHHHH, WTF!!!!!!!

I talk with the dude thinking that I need to blow him out. The guy keeps trying to tool on me and I notice HBAlanis becoming less and less interested in me. At this point I am so frustrated and exhausted (it’s around 3:30AM) that I decide it’s time to just call it quits. I tell them that it’s late and I need to get going. I tell them both it was a pleasure meeting them and I leave.

Summary

I must say, this was definitely an interesting night. There were certainly some things that I could learn from. The first thing that comes to mind is, don’t fart!

Secondly, I think the problem with the ASD from HBAlanis was that I didn’t get enough comfort in before trying to seduce her. I tried to go straight from attraction to seduction which typically does not result in a lay. Also, the disruption by the roommate and the chode neighbor certainly didn’t help matters. I probably would have had a better chance of laying HBJanis because of better rapport and had spent more time with her throughout the night.

Despite the inherent set-backs, it was still a good night. I am continuing to get my approach numbers up and am seeing some results. Other then my first lay, this is the only other night I have extracted a girl to her place with the intention of seducing her.

As always, I would appreciate any advice from experienced pick up artists, particularly on overcoming the ASD at the end of the night.