The Erection Story

19 years ago…

It’s the end of the day, we’re sitting in a class room, all guys, all a little weird-ed out about what was to come. It is our 5th grade sexual education class. We assume we were going to get to watch some kind of porno, you know to see how the whole process works, this was all according to one of the kids brothers who was in high school. As you might imagine, for a group of 11 year old boys we were looking forward to seeing some naked boobies.

The guy teaching it seemed legit, he is all decked out in a corduroy blazer, has a slick brief case and a killer mustache. I imagine his bad-assery is getting him some pretty good tail, so we figure if there is anyone to get sexual education advice from it might as well be this guy. After all, isn’t this whole thing about learning how to pick up chicks?

After a quick introduction, he passes out a one page questionnaire. We all sit quietly and began to fill them out. Among the questions are things such as:

Have you ever gotten an erection?

Do you feel embarrassed when you get an erection?

If you’ve had an erection, have you ever ejaculated?

Almost every single question has this word “erection” on it, that or some other nonsensical gibberish. What the hell is an erection?! At this point in time the word is brand new to my infantile vocabulary. And from the dumbfounded looks on my classmates, it seems that none of us really know the meaning behind this.

As I sit there trying to comprehend the questions, all I can think of is my erector set at home. Of course, I can’t for the life of me figure out what construction could possibly do with sex. After some frustration, I simply decide to randomly answer all the questions, guessing either “yes” or “no” on all of them. They are anonymous questionnaires after all, so figure it won’t make much difference anyways.

We hand in our sheets to Mr. Kick-ass and he begins his rant. He paces back and forth in front of the class room, spouting out the words of an anatomical dictionary. Erection, ejaculation, arousal, etc., it’s like this guy is speaking a different language. I think I eventually hear the word “penis,” at last, it’s something I know about.

The guy finally finishes his twenty minute tirade and then has the nerve to say, “Does anyone have any questions?” Naturally we don’t, we can’t, as we simply did not understand anything the guy was saying. How could I have a question about erections when I don’t even know what an erection is? I could ask what an erection is, but I already answered an entire sheet of questions with the assumption that I already know. So I can’t ask now, it would mean that I lied on the questionnaire. As you can see, this is quite the predicament and the only thing to do now is lie low, keep quite and wait it out until recess.

The room is silent.

“No one has ANY questions??” the guy asks again

My friend Brian raises his hand.

“Uhhhmm, are we going to get watch… uhhh, you know, a sex video?” he asks

“No,” he replies, “the video is with the girls group and we won’t have time to watch it.”

At this, you can see the utter disappointment on everyone’s face. Man, what a shitty class. The girls are in the other room watching porno’s, while us guys get stuck answering questions about erector sets, what a crock of shit!

The bell rings and the class is over. We all run out of there, out to the playground for recess.

The small group of guys gather by the jungle gym to discuss our outrage about the weird non-sex ed class.

Someone finally speaks out, “hey, what the heck is an erection??” No one answers. No one knows.

Of course, one of the girls, from the girls group, overhears us talking and says, “it means a boner you idiots!”

Whhhaaaaattt!? erection means BONER, you can’t be serious? Why didn’t the guy just say “boner”, that after all, is the correct nomenclature for a hardened penis. Just like ejaculation is really “jizz” and getting aroused is to “pop a woody.” Sheeshhh!

Tagged as: erection