[Update 4/8/10: It has come to my attention that the main subject of this post, a 50 year old virgin blogger, has mysteriously deleted his blog. However, there are still some good insights in this post and is worth the read.]
There is one type of blog in the dating/relationship niche that always seems to catch my eye along with many other interested readers and that is of the older male virgin blog.
These blogs are almost irresistible to read due to the sexual trials and tribulations of the authors. Though these blogs tend to be similar in their life span on the web, they always offer a unique opportunity for everyone to become an expert on losing virginity and offering their advice to said authors.
They pop up every once in awhile with clever names like: Almost 40 Year Old Virgin, The 30 Year Old Virgin or V-Carded. By the way, all these blog are now unfortunately defunct. I believe “The Virgin” from V-Carded eventually lost his virginity to TBK from The Beautiful Kind. The other two bloggers, which were popular several years ago, seemed to have shut down their operations and I assume either eventually got laid or gave up the dream, who knows?
The 50 Year Old Virgin
Well, if you happened to miss all the good content of the previous blogs, don’t fret, there’s a new kid guy in town and he steps things up a notch. We’re not talking about late 20 something virgins, or a 30 something virgin and no not even a 40 year old virgin. This guy is a Virgin at 50!
As of now the blog is still a young pup, at less than a month old, but hopefully the author will continue posting his adventures in trying to get this whole virginity thing handled, but as of now his first post seems to be getting a lot action. In this, he basically lists all of the things he has done to improve himself and make himself more desirable; everything from getting a clothing consultant, brushing his teeth three times a day, to reading every pick-up/seduction book. He even goes so far as to travel to Russia in search of a bride…
Though everything he has done is certainly good from a self improvement aspect, save the Russian bride thing, he admits in a response to one of my comments that he has NEVER cold approached a woman and has NEVER tried initiating a kiss with a woman. Here’s a quick excerpt of his comment.
I have a lot of approach anxiety and have, outside of asking thousands of women to dance, never “cold” approached a woman. I’ve “warm” approached the women I know from my social circle and from group activities in which we both participate.
I’ve never tried to initiate a kiss because I’ve never felt that it would be welcome.
Now I’m not trying to come down on this guy, I’m an interested reader and am definitely rooting for him. And as my past readers know, I didn’t lose my virginity until my late twenties so I can somewhat relate.
You can read about my my first lay and though it was somewhat awkward and never saw that girl again, thank god, I am still grateful for having the fortitude to bang that chubby tattooed girl from the shitty dive bar.
As I’ve explained in my post, The Dilemmas of Male Virgins, being an older male virgin is like carrying around a bag of bricks that only gets heavier and heavier by the year. When I lost my virginity it was such a relief to drop that bag of bricks, and I was only 27, just imagine how many bricks a 50 year old man is carrying, that shit is gonna be heavy!
Here’s the thing, when I finally got laid for the first time, it wasn’t because I was just waiting around to “get lucky.” No, I never would have even banged that chubby chick had I not manned up and escalated the situation; everything from the first attempts of kino, to initiating the kiss, walking her back to her place, inviting myself in and initiating the sex.
The “Be Yourself” Trap
I think most people would say that you just have to go for it, make an attempt and be bold. Nothing is going to happen if you do nothing. Which brings me to my next rant, this comment on Virginat50′s blog by D. Lynn Thompson:
I’m sorry, but I can’t help but be amused at the fact that most (if not all) of the people advising you on how to get a woman are men. So, a bit of advice from a woman…
QUITE TRYING SO DAMN HARD!!! I know that probably isn’t what you want to hear, but it is the truth. It is my personal experience that men who try too hard don’t get much for their efforts. Just be yourself. Screw the psychotherapy (no pun intended). Toss the self help books, meds, and every other bit of BS that tells you who you have to be to meet someone.
If you MUST do something so you feel proactive, when you find a woman you would like to date, listen to her. Like actually listen. Not that “i’m pretending to listen while I figure out how to ask you out” listen. Take said info and do something nice. Bring her a lunch based on what she likes, buy her a used book that she has mentioned she likes (new ones are a bit creepy because they are expensive at times)…
What the hell! This is typical advice from an average woman who assumes that she knows how to attract women because she is a woman. Well, that is almost always not the case and is particularly poor advice in this case.
Essentially, D. Lynn, gives the tired cliched advice of “be yourself.” Ugh, please… seriously is that really the best advice this guy needs?! The man is 50 years old, he has been doing the “be yourself” thing for decades with no results, how could that possibly do any good? If the man sticks to the status quo, then his only option is to rely on luck, which at this rate he’ll never lose his virginity.
Now no one is saying that he should be a fake or pretend to be someone else. However, it is clear that he does need to TRY something to start escalating his interactions with the women he meets in life. And this doesn’t mean buying them a used book, that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard, it’s akin to buying flowers in the hopes that the woman will put out.
My Blogging Advice to the Virginat50
You can only write about your problem and your excuses for so long until it starts to get boring. So, as an interested reader and an early fan of your blog, I would be most interested in reading about your actual attempts to overcome your male virginity. Things like:
- Cold approaching 10 girls, getting rejected by the first 9, but having a good conversation with the 10th
- Setting up and going on more dates
- Your attempts at initiating a kiss
- Hopefully, down the road, your eventually losing your v-card
The thing is, even if you get rejected and have embarrassing moments trying to actively overcome your anxiety, it will still make for great blog reading, so think about it like a journalist trying to get good material. It works for me 
P.S. – If there are any other male virgin bloggers out there that I don’t know about, please drop me a line or leave a comment and I’ll link you up in this post.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for the mention. I’ll be posting in the coming days about the actions I’m taking to improve and the progress/mistakes I’m making.
Have you ever met a virgin who knows more about sex and relationships than anybody in America, yet can’t get laid to save his life? That seems to be the predicament of a lot of these guys that you are talking about.
BTW this was an incredible post, I like how you talk about virgin bloggers without insulting them. Yet you still prod them on. It’s a hard combination to pull off well.
.-= Internet Seduction´s last blog ..NLP and Internet Seduction? =-.
I.S.,
I’m not sure that I’ve heard of many virgins who claim to know a lot about sex and relationships but there do tend to be keyboard jockeys within the seduction community that can spout all kinds of advanced pick-up techniques, yet couldn’t cold approach a female if their life depended on it. Though, I think that type of behavior is true of many areas of life, it’s just the nature of some people I suppose. It’s easy to read theory on something and quite a different thing to practice that theory.
Bah! The real advice to 40yo+ virgins should be “broaden your mind with more interesting hobbies because you’re too old to get laid now and you’re not going to go to a prostitute because you would have done so ten years ago.” If a guy is 40 years old and still a virgin he’s either a lesser Beta who doesn’t want to settle down with an unattractive woman or he’s an outright Omega where no woman wanted to have sex at all. Plenty of guys are willing to admit there are women so fugly they couldn’t ever imagine themselves wanting to have sex with them therefore so too is it with some men: they are so unappealing to women that they can never hope to have sex (except to pay for it of course).
Learning to be good with women is like learning to be good at playing the piano. Someone with great natural ability will derive great benefit from theoretical knowledge. Someone with no natural ability, not so much.
as the worlds oldest male virgin at 57 i have never been on a date i did try 4 times the last time at 41 i have never been kissed on the lips nor had a girlfriend and i am proud of what i am i have done 6 TV shows from nov 1999 to dec 2008 i am hopping to do a lie detector test to get to prove what i claim to be on a TV show i can then claim the world record for being the oldest living male virgin.
Daniel,
First, I’d like to point out that your claims of being the oldest living male virgin is dubious at best. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of much older men than you that have kept their virginity in tact, for instance, preachers or monks that have taken life long vows of celibacy. I’d be willing to wager any amount of money that there is some 80 year old monk living in the mountains of Tibet who has never been laid before.
Second, there are many reasons why one would want to remain a virgin but that is not the point of this article or the general thoughts of male virgins that I discuss on this blog. Whatever points that I have made about male virginity is particularly focused on those men that are virgins and actually want to have sexual relations in their life time.
If your goal in life is to become a TV star for being a virgin, then congratulations, it sounds like you’ve achieved your dreams.
I’ve very recently lost my virginity at the age of 33 – and I can tell you – it is a huge load off my chest. It’s not that I’ve had problems with attracting women – but it was so hard to take the next step without experience.
I have one question though. I can’t seem to come when having sex – due to having spent years masturbating. The vagina is so much softer and more moist than hands. Is this a problem you have experienced? And does it go away after abstaining from masturbation for a while? I have been wanking at least once a day for pretty much the last twenty years.
Jimbo,
I actually have had that problem before, where I wasn’t able to come from sex with a woman because I was so used to ejaculating from the act of masturbation. I think that abstaining from masturbation will definitely help, but also more actual sexual intercourse too, as your penis will change it’s sensitivity levels to whatever type of stimulation you give it most.
I did not lose my virginity until I was 41….and that was with an escort. I’d always been a quiet, shy teenager and never overcame that into adulthood. I think it comes from the fact that I like women so much I just did not want the rejection.
i’m 47 and have’nt had sex yet the older you get and the longer you wait the harder it gets and no one really wants to go to a sex worker sex with a condom is not really sex
I’m 53 years old and still a virgin. Most in part is being able to trust the woman. I’ve yet to find one i would like to spend my life with. Now Being Disabled, but can still get around pretty much. THe most i have done when i was in high school was hold hands with a girl, but i was always a big man and even today at 340 pounds. I’m well off and enjoy life, but find that the women i know what only money! I doubt i will ever find a true honest woman who wants me for me and not money.
I’m not a virgin anymore but I have been in the doghouse of sex as in not having it or even a decent make out with a woman for the past 3 and a half years. I’m back to square one again and I need to do something I don’t like the church,bar, school, work or internet scene in order to pick up women, are ther any alternatives?
I’m surprised that nobody who has posted has cited my reason for staying a virgin so long (until I was 38). That is, I received religious instruction that it was a sin. I didn’t even try to have sex, or even to masturbate, because I thought that it displeased God. In fact, my entire life has been built around avoiding displeasing God. It’s not just that I wouldn’t commit the sin of having sex (outside of marriage, that is), but I wouldn’t commit any other sins either. I’ve never cheated on a test, or stolen anything, and I won’t abuse people unless severely provoked. Believe me, this kind of prohibition leaves you pretty vulnerable, since most people have to cheat and hurt other people just to get by.
An interesting point: I didn’t like sex, although I’ll concede that I probably would have grown to like it if I”d tried it in my early twenties. If I had it to do over, I’d be a virgin today, because I feel guilty about having had sex at all. I’m probably crazy. Many people think so, based on my usual day-t0-day behavior.
Another interesting point: I’m good looking, and I can make a woman laugh her head off. I just don’t want to have sex with any of ‘em.
Ian,
I think that if you are happy being celibate and doing the whole god thing, then that seems to be a good thing. I think the virgin issue arises when a man wants to have sex but is unable to for whatever reasons. Since humans seem to have a natural instinct to have sex and procreate, than it seems logical to me that nature’s intent is for man to pursue sexual relationships. Of course, as you mentioned, some people such as yourself have an aversion to sex and are perfectly fine with it. I think what matters is whether the person is happy or not.
If I can amplify things a bit, my guess, based on my own experience, is that, if you haven’t had sex by a certain point in your life, and this isn’t because of severe personal unattractiveness, you probably just don’t want to have it as much as most people. Also, my morality required me to stay with the woman I eventually consented to have sex with, and meeting that responsiblity made me very unhappy. I’m still with her now, after 20 years, although I don’t like her much. As I say, I’ve been loaded up with a moral load which works well for some people, but not for me. I understand that there are people who can easily put aside the moral teachings of their parents when they become adults, but I cannot.
Ian,
Though I believe that your sexual or nonsexual behavior is up to you, I find it curious that you take a “moral” high ground in the decision to deprive someone of your love for 20 years. In my opinion, doing things for god or religion does not imply that those things are morally good. In my opinion, being with someone for that long (I assume you are married?) and not liking that person seems wrong to me, particularly from the perspective of your spouse.
Personally, if I ever get married, I will be sure as heck that we are both very much mutually in love. To commit your love and life to someone, particularly if it’s in front of God, while not liking them, seems to be morally unjust to the other person in the relationship.
Well, I admit it does sound pretty grim, but we actually do provide each other with mutual support. When we’ve separated (about seven times by now) we both get to missing each other. What I do insist on saying right out loud is that I think it is just plain lowdown, dirty dog bad to have sex with someone and then dump them so you can have sex with somebody else. These people who brag about having many sex partners are from a whole different moral world than the one I inhabit. Trust me, when you tell people that you think that you’re only allowed one sex partner in your whole life, they look at you as if you’re deranged. But that’s how I roll.
No responses to my post? Well okay. Do I regret not having sex until late? No. I regret having had sex at all. I shouldn’t have done it. Sex was about as pleasant for me as high school gym class. It was awkward, profoundly embarrassing and compulsory. Was I ever derided for being a virgin? Not by anybody whose opinion I valued. In fact, more than one married man who was overloaded with the expenses of marriage let me know that he envied my freedom.
In my value system, you’re allowed only two numbers of lifetime sex partners. Zero and one. Well, for me it was zero until I was 38, and then it became one. Twenty years later, it’s still one. And that’s one too many. Life is too short for all the trouble that living with a woman entails.
Wow. This is fun. I get to have the whole blog to myself, apparently. There are a lot of people out there who will tell you, in perfect sincerity, that sex is the greatest pleasure that life has to offer, and than anyone who hasn’t had sex, or hasn’t had sex recently, has endured a terrible misfortune. But that’s not so. I can’t be the only one who doesn’t like sex, and who just cannot get over its essential brutishness and grotesque physical obscenity. We now live in a world where it is widely considered sinful (that being the apt word) to be offended by homosexuality, but tell people that you’d really rather not get laid and it’s as if you’re insane. Oh bullshit. If you don’t want to do it enough to go to all the labour of doing it, then you probably won’t like it when you do.
Well, it must be true what they say: virginal people are timid. Come on people. Respond here. You know what I keep seeing in all these posts? People want to get laid, not for the pleasure of getting laid, but because it’s some sort of requirement, like getting an educational credential or a job. No it’s not. If you’re doing anything because you think you have to, don’t be surprised if you don’t like it. It’s like in high school, when they make you read a play by Shakespeare, and then they tell you that, if you didn’t enjoy it, it must have been because you’re too dumb or something. Well, nobody falls for that.
Listen, if sex is really so wonderful, why don’t young, married people do it every day? It only takes about fifteen minutes.
Ian,
I’m not sure there is anything more to really discuss here, since most people reading this blog do enjoy sex for the pleasure of it. I think most people reading here, whether they are virgins or not want to have sex. You’ve stated that you don’t enjoy it and that’s cool if you’re happy with it. By the way, I do think a lot of young married couples have sex every day, at least during the first few years anyways, though every couple is different so it’s easy to make sweeping generalizations
Okay, let’s try a different tack. If you’re a virgin and you don’t want to be, you really have to ask yourself what the hold-up is. In my case, the price was too high. I had to be married before I could morally undertake the big, scary operation. I have the misfortune of being ruled by a conscience that prevents sins, rather than the more amenable type of conscience that lets you commit sins, feel remorse, and be subsequently forgiven. But suppose you haven’t been laid, and it isn’t because you think it’s a sin. Well sorry, but you’re going to have to seduce somebody. And that’s a tall order if you’re not that seductive. You’ll probably have to settle for somebody who is as unattractive as you are, and that could make for an awkward and downright unpleasant time. So maybe you should forget it, and spend your time and money on another, less expensive pastime.
Ian,
First, there many many virgin men out there who are trying to figure out exactly ‘what the hold up’ is and how they can take care of it. Older male virgins have trouble getting into sexual relationships for all sorts of reasons from social anxiety to complex love-shyness, in fact there is a whole community of people who support each other in that regard.
Second, it seems like the real issue here is that you seem to think having pre-marital sex with someone is morally wrong or a “sin” as you call it. You seem like a pretty smart guy, so have you ever considered trying to make decisions based on reason and logic rather than blind faith in something that may not exist?
Here’s the thing, your argument doesn’t apply to most men, particularly those in the more recent generations who are abandoning silly mythological religions at a rapid pace. And their troubles with sex aren’t restricted by religious dogma, but rather other psychological or societal issues. For those men, that are in a similar situation to you, well, then that sucks for them; they don’t get to enjoy being human because they are brainwashed by a cult organization.
I’ll just leave this here:
Well, I’m 58 and I figured out about forty years ago that, no, Jesus of Nazareth didn’t rise from the dead. Religious belief is bullshit, but human morality isn’t, because it’s a socially pragmatic construction designed to accure benefits. And I’m telling you, being well aware from frequent arguments, that many, many people consider the notion that you must remain faithful to your one allowed sex partner is destructive of happiness. And for me it was, to tell you the truth. But still, even now, I could not possibly embark on a one night stand without severe feelings of personal guilt. And guilt, absurd as it often is, is real. For me, it’s as if it has mass and volume, if you know what I mean.
heh heh “huge load”
Well at 67 I suppose I’m the oldest poster here. I don’t make any excuses or place any blame. My life has been a series of blunders, bad experiences and frustrating circumstances intermixed with a personal belief and ethic. It’s been many years since I persisted in the hope of losing my virginity and I suppose I’ll go to my grave with a big V hung around my neck. But other than this major frustration, I’ve had a good career, good family and friends and lots of freedom to do as I’ve pleased. I’m not complaining though there’s always the lingering thought about what might have been.
I’m also an involuntary, 50-year-old, heterosexual, male virgin. I’ve only been on a few dates in my life, and those women were very quick to tell me what a “great guy” I was (not a good sign) and how “comfortable” they felt with me (a worse sign). My attempts at seduction are usually met with chuckles (“But Tim, I don’t see you that way!”) or they change the subject immediately. I don’t want to go to a prostitute, but I’m at a loss at this point. I’m in good shape, I have a great sense of humor (so I’m told by all the women who laugh at my quips), and I actually listen to women.
Two things I don’t have – good looks and money. As cliche as that sounds, those things matter. If I were a beautiful woman, why would I want a broke troll as a mate? Sense of humor? Forget it. Women claim that’s number one on their list of desireable traits in men. But as Gilbert Gottfried once said, “Oh yeah, a sense of humor. I see beautiful women every day crawling over Tom Selleck to get to Buddy Hackett!” (A little dated, but you get the point.
I’m actually in the process of writing a book on being a 50-year-old virgin (anonymously, of course). I doubt I’ll get make any money off it, or even get it published, but it will at least allow me to do a self-examination about why I’ve been such a failure with women despite my best efforts.
To the guy who said sex with a condom is not sex: You should probably stay a virgin until you learn about safe sex practices.
I am a 46 year old, unemployed, male virgin. It is inevitable that I will be a 50 year old virgin because, quite frankly, I’m pretty disgusting and extremely unattractive to ANY woman!!! My track record with women is that I kissed about 2 women in my life (poor girls; I really feel sorry for them!!! I’m certain they never got over it!!!) and about a handful of dates that, obviously, never resulted in a 2nd date!!!! I have not been on a date with a woman in about 5 years!!! (Thank god for that!!!!) I thank you for this site so I can vent and just express the truth about myself and my history and chances of ever having even a date in my future…..!!!!
I’m getting close to 50 years old myself and i’m still a virgin, and i don’t care. I gave up along time ago and it was a smart move. Now i don’t have to deal with any bullshit.
Matt savage, it’s good that you can at least respect the male virgins like me that are celibate by choice but you started to sounds like a judgmental idiot when you slammed people with religious beliefs as silly superstitions because you happen not to believe .
Ignorance and hypocrisy are not attractive qualities
And by the way, I’m 44 and a virgin and I’m waiting for marriage because I love the lord. I know it’s a sin these days to say it but I’ve never been a wannabe in my life.
But then again with a blog called modern savage I wouldn’t expect anything less
Bip,
While I strongly support the right to religious freedom and expression, I also don’t believe that the ideas expressed should be immune from criticism, particularly when those ideas are lacking in evidence and harmful to a society. I criticize religion the same way I criticize the Flat Earth Society, the Klu Klux Klan or Raëlism. Just because you are free to express an idea does not mean that it is a good idea or a true idea. And given the complete lack of evidence on the claims that religions make in their assertion that a god exists leaves them open to criticism. As Carl Sagan said, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.
That being said, I’d like to ask why you think I am an idiot and ignorant on this matter? I ask because I think I am fairly knowledgable in religious beliefs, having read and studied the Bible, Koran and many Buddhist texts, as well as investigating archeological information in regards to the origins of Biblical texts. So I am not sure what you are referring to when you say I am ignorant since I have studied various religions quite a bit over the years. If you are simply trying to insult me because I am a non believer then you are using the word “ignorant” improperly, so please clarify and I will try to address your issue.
The fact of the matter is, I personally care about whether the things I believe in are true or not. Therefore, I take great lengths to examine my core beliefs on a regular basis and make sure that they match up with reality and rational thinking. And I think that this sort of self examination of one’s own beliefs is very important to criticize in order for one to grow and improve as a person.
Now I understand that it’s easy for you to leave a comment insulting my view point on the matter, but I don’t really care because you have offered no competing rational arguments or evidence that would justify your quick reactionary comment, which is about as weak as the religion you believe in. However, I’m open to debating the topic if you wish to enlighten me.
i am a 45 year old male virgin. i have never been on a date, i have never even held a womans hand. and i am not at all gay. i have never liked being a virgin, as a matter of fact i really have always hated being a virgin. i have always been the type of guy who would like to have sex with a lot of different women. there are many reasons why i am a virgin. my looks are at the top of the list. and then there is the guilt that society puts on men about women and sex .and there are other reasons. i see some posts from people on websites like these where many men seem to think that women are so damn perfect. i would say just look at the facts. women are always talking about how much sex they have with many men and also with other women. so why is it only the men that society says should feel guilty about sex?
Have any of You Guys ever admitted to anyone else You know or anyone You have known that you are(were) a virgin? If you did, what was their reaction?
Mine were things like No You’re not, or you should have been with at least 5 girls by now(when I was 23) My most memorable moment in my early 20′s was when I told a young japansese woman(who was sexually experienced from the age of 15) that I wasn’t sexually experienced. She asked me if I masturbated.
Have you ever been asked about your masturbation?
I am 41 and a virgin I had many chances but messed them up or didn’t want to sleep with them , because I did not like them. I don’t want to loose to a woman I do not find attractive, but I am not waiting for marriage . The ones that want me I don’t want. I have kissed and been to a few strip clubs. I look younger than my age and am in good shape and attractive. I am currently in college for my degree in psychology. The few dates I went on did not go well, so I continue . I feel like this year may be the one. I have been told I am shallow and should just do it, regardless of their looks. I say life is too short to settle.
Some of what Ian Coleman said just above here resonates with alot of my feelings about my virginity(I’m 39 in 6 days) and society’s ridiculous and, I’ll just say it, misandrist view of people like me, without seemingly any care of regard for the circumstances involved in WHY we are still the “dreaded V-Word”, regardless of whether we’re happy with it or not(and usually we’re considered even more “insane” if we are content with our virginity).
In all my years I’ve never come close to figuring out what is so apparently threatening to all the “players”(male and female) out there, that they have to demonize, ridicule, hector, belittle and otherwise try to sabotage our self esteems every chance they get. Is there “buyer’s remorse”(guilt?) amongst alot of these “players”? If so, are they, deep-down, envious of our restraint? Or(in the case of those “sad” cases that are simply too unattractive or unable to “play”) are all these “players” simply scared to death to let down their “cool guard” for one moment to show actual human compassion to that segment of actual real people they see as “less fortunate” than they? Possibly those, maybe more too, who knows….I just find it perplexing in this professed-by-many “open-minded” modern world of ours there’s still so much cultural animosity toward us(in a world that’s presently overpopulated no less).
Anyway, I think these discussions(and thank God we can still HAVE discussions in this ever-more acrimonious, violent, insane and judgemental world of ours!) are very helpful and revealing in confirming not only to me but to I’m sure others like me that really it’s more the ignorant societies of “players” with the consent of the misandric, global Western media machine who choose to callously demonize us older male virgins that should be the ones put under the microscope and ridiculed, belittled, admonished and pulverized with the TRUTH that they are but a bunch of backwards, backwoods, nitwit, ignorant, fascist, herd-minded, sycophantic, bigotted and bullying pieces of human refuse not dissimilar to the Ku Klux Klan, Black Panthers or other similar hate group.