It seems that there is an ever growing stock of older male virgins out there. And if there isn’t, they are at least becoming more apparent. Thanks to the anonymity of the Interwebs and the movie, 40 Year Old Virgin, it has become fashionable for male virgins to present their case to the world and still remain anonymous.
Even the slew of reality shows which feature some type of geeks, nerds, losers, etc always have some sort of token virgin. Just look at the last season of VH1′s The Pick Up Artist, half of the contestants were virgins, with the oldest being 45!
There is no reason for a guy to remain a virgin into and past his late 20s. The only real exceptions would be some major physical or mental handicap, but that would make up only a small minority of the male virgin population. Most of these guys are your normal average everyday men. Yet, for some reason they just can’t figure out how to get laid. You would think that after so many years, a guy would at least get a little random action or even a pity lay. No, there is something else at work here.
By the way, I understand there may be some of you guys out there who are “saving” yourselves for marriage. This article is not about you, it’s about the guys who want to have sex but can’t. And honestly, as a horny male, I can’t even begin to understand what would posses someone to wait for sex, but that’s another topic for another time.
Effects of Porn on Pursuing Women
The first thing I’d like to point out is that pornography, to which most males masturbate, is increasingly and readily available thanks to the spread of YouTube like porn sites. We know that these sites are highly visited by simply looking at their Alexa traffic rankings. Sites like YouPorn (rank 41) and RedTube (rank 49) are ranked as two of THE top websites on the Internet. These sites are receiving millions of visitors a day. For comparison purposes, the NYTimes.com is ranked 97 and ESPN.com is ranked 71.
For those not familiar with the Alexa ranking service, the lower number the ranking is, the more traffic that site receives, for instance, Google is #2 and this blog is #259,388. So, judging from the chart below, there is clearly a high demand for pornography.
Whats wrong with porn you ask? Nothing really, I love good porn just as much as the next guy, but it’s not the porn itself that is causing problems. It’s the fact that men no longer need or are even willing to go out and pursue women. Why should they when they can just stay at home and arouse their sexual fantasies to their heart’s content.
When you are able to easily satisfy your needs without the hassle of being rejected by women, then there leaves little motivation to improve oneself. And improving oneself in life is a key component for males gaining the attraction of females.
Also, I wouldn’t say porn is solely to blame, but it is definitely not helping. Porn is a small part of an overall fundamental problem we see more and more with technology. With the Internet and the rise in the video game industry, there are countless distractions that leaves little time for boys to go outside and chase girls around the schoolyard. Instead, it’s little Johnny sitting in front of the TV or computer for twelve hours a day masturbating to Lara Croft.
Perhaps there is a reason that the “Nerd” stereotype is often associated with male virgins. Nerds have always been the ones with computers and readily made access to cutting edge Internet porn. Coincidence? You decide.
The Virginity Catch 22
It seems to me that the longer a male stays a virgin, the more difficult it becomes to lose it. To illustrate, see this crude line chart below:
My theory is that as male virgins become older and older, they begin to doubt their ability to get laid, thus perpetuating a downward cycle of less and less confidence. Of course, the catch 22 being that confidence is a main ingredient in attracting women.
When a guy is young he can blame his lack of sex on simple bad luck. However, as time goes on, the male becomes self conscious, he questions his looks, he begins to blame society for his faults and eventually his self esteem is shot to hell. Perhaps he will be so discouraged with his situation that he gives up completely. He’ll turn 40 years old, have the appearance of a nice guy, but deep down inside, he’ll have a hidden resentment towards women.
“Be Yourself” – Worst Advice Ever
I think there are some male virgins who simply receive poor advice on dating and are lacking the basic skill set of attraction. This one is not a theory either, just go to any dating advice message board and take a look. You can see clear as day from the posts that most guys, often virgins, are simply clueless on things like confidence, body language, flirting, approaching and how to hold a conversation with women.
Concepts like “be yourself” are terrible for a guy who has absolutely no clue about women. It’s like saying, “oh well, just keep on doing the same things over and over, even though you don’t get any results, and hopefully some day you’ll get lucky.”
It could be that these guys are getting their advice from the wrong sources. For them, it could be a matter of simply learning the fundamentals of attraction.
Self Sabotage and Fear of Success
Before I lost my virginity, I had this one thought process that didn’t make much sense. At the time, it did make sense and it went something like this:
This girl really likes me and I really like her. She’s an amazing person and definitely long term relationship material, quite possibly THE ONE. I know that if I asked her, we could be dating right now… but, herein lies the problem. I’ve never had sex with anyone and if I end up Marrying this girl then I will have only had sex with one woman my entire life. I want to at least have sex with multiple women in my life. Therefore, I will not pursue this girl until I’ve had sex with other women.
Isn’t that messed up?! I probably had about twenty of those scenarios throughout my life. It was a matter of self sabotage and a fear of succeeding. It’s almost like another catch 22. I know it’s a messed up way of thinking and I’ve changed that now. However, I’m willing to guess that there are other male virgins out there with very similar thought processes.
Climbing Out of the Pit of Despair
So, with all these dilemmas what’s a male virgin to do?
- Focusing on the fundamentals of attraction and seduction is a good start for those who have been living in a cave most of your lives.
- Quit porn and masturbation. Go cold turkey. Delete all porn from your hard drive and put browser blocks on porno sites. Trust me, after one week of no masturbating, you’ll notice a huge difference in how you act around women.
- Read No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover, as it will help you to understand what has caused you to become the way you are. Because sometimes, it’s a matter of fixing that messed up shit in our heads.
Finally, for you guys that are older, the guys who are in your 30s and 40s, do whatever you have to do to get that first lay out of the way (legally of course), even if it means having a fling with a woman your not too crazy about. Getting that one first time out of the way is like lifting a ton of bricks from your back. And getting that one first lay will be enough to break the curse.
The Virginity Round-up
This post was inspired by the Virgin Round-up being organized by Honey and Lance. It’s a series of blog posts related to the topic of virginity. You can check out some of the other great articles below:
- Bobby Rio: Virgins for Sale
- Honey: Was Losing My Virginity Worth It?
- Hammer: Why I Don’t Date Virgins
- Lance: I’ve Had Sex With Three Virgins and I’m Gonna Tell You About It