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The Dilemmas of Male Virgins

The Dilemmas of Male Virgins

by Matt Savage

It seems that there is an ever growing stock of older male virgins out there. And if there isn’t, they are at least becoming more apparent. Thanks to the anonymity of the Interwebs and the movie, 40 Year Old Virgin, it has become fashionable for male virgins to present their case to the world and still remain anonymous.

The web is full of male virgins. Just look here and here for starters. I was also part of this club just over a year ago, finally being deflowered at the age of 27.

Even the slew of reality shows which feature some type of geeks, nerds, losers, etc always have some sort of token virgin. Just look at the last season of VH1′s The Pick Up Artist, half of the contestants were virgins, with the oldest being 45!

There is no reason for a guy to remain a virgin into and past his late 20s. The only real exceptions would be some major physical or mental handicap, but that would make up only a small minority of the male virgin population. Most of these guys are your normal average everyday men. Yet, for some reason they just can’t figure out how to get laid. You would think that after so many years, a guy would at least get a little random action or even a pity lay. No, there is something else at work here.

By the way, I understand there may be some of you guys out there who are “saving” yourselves for marriage. This article is not about you, it’s about the guys who want to have sex but can’t. And honestly, as a horny male, I can’t even begin to understand what would posses someone to wait for sex, but that’s another topic for another time.

Effects of Porn on Pursuing Women

The first thing I’d like to point out is that pornography, to which most males masturbate, is increasingly and readily available thanks to the spread of YouTube like porn sites. We know that these sites are highly visited by simply looking at their Alexa traffic rankings. Sites like YouPorn (rank 41) and RedTube (rank 49) are ranked as two of THE top websites on the Internet. These sites are receiving millions of visitors a day. For comparison purposes, the NYTimes.com is ranked 97 and ESPN.com is ranked 71.

For those not familiar with the Alexa ranking service, the lower number the ranking is, the more traffic that site receives, for instance, Google is #2 and this blog is #259,388. So, judging from the chart below, there is clearly a high demand for pornography.

Whats wrong with porn you ask? Nothing really, I love good porn just as much as the next guy, but it’s not the porn itself that is causing problems. It’s the fact that men no longer need or are even willing to go out and pursue women. Why should they when they can just stay at home and arouse their sexual fantasies to their heart’s content.

When you are able to easily satisfy your needs without the hassle of being rejected by women, then there leaves little motivation to improve oneself. And improving oneself in life is a key component for males gaining the attraction of females.

Also, I wouldn’t say porn is solely to blame, but it is definitely not helping. Porn is a small part of an overall fundamental problem we see more and more with technology. With the Internet and the rise in the video game industry, there are countless distractions that leaves little time for boys to go outside and chase girls around the schoolyard. Instead, it’s little Johnny sitting in front of the TV or computer for twelve hours a day masturbating to Lara Croft.

Perhaps there is a reason that the “Nerd” stereotype is often associated with male virgins. Nerds have always been the ones with computers and readily made access to cutting edge Internet porn. Coincidence? You decide.

The Virginity Catch 22

It seems to me that the longer a male stays a virgin, the more difficult it becomes to lose it. To illustrate, see this crude line chart below:

My theory is that as male virgins become older and older, they begin to doubt their ability to get laid, thus perpetuating a downward cycle of less and less confidence. Of course, the catch 22 being that confidence is a main ingredient in attracting women.

When a guy is young he can blame his lack of sex on simple bad luck. However, as time goes on, the male becomes self conscious, he questions his looks, he begins to blame society for his faults and eventually his self esteem is shot to hell. Perhaps he will be so discouraged with his situation that he gives up completely. He’ll turn 40 years old, have the appearance of a nice guy, but deep down inside, he’ll have a hidden resentment towards women.

“Be Yourself” – Worst Advice Ever

I think there are some male virgins who simply receive poor advice on dating and are lacking the basic skill set of attraction. This one is not a theory either, just go to any dating advice message board and take a look. You can see clear as day from the posts that most guys, often virgins, are simply clueless on things like confidence, body language, flirting, approaching and how to hold a conversation with women.

Concepts like “be yourself” are terrible for a guy who has absolutely no clue about women. It’s like saying, “oh well, just keep on doing the same things over and over, even though you don’t get any results, and hopefully some day you’ll get lucky.”

It could be that these guys are getting their advice from the wrong sources. For them, it could be a matter of simply learning the fundamentals of attraction.

Self Sabotage and Fear of Success

Before I lost my virginity, I had this one thought process that didn’t make much sense. At the time, it did make sense and it went something like this:

This girl really likes me and I really like her. She’s an amazing person and definitely long term relationship material, quite possibly THE ONE. I know that if I asked her, we could be dating right now… but, herein lies the problem. I’ve never had sex with anyone and if I end up Marrying this girl then I will have only had sex with one woman my entire life. I want to at least have sex with multiple women in my life. Therefore, I will not pursue this girl until I’ve had sex with other women.

Isn’t that messed up?! I probably had about twenty of those scenarios throughout my life. It was a matter of self sabotage and a fear of succeeding. It’s almost like another catch 22. I know it’s a messed up way of thinking and I’ve changed that now. However, I’m willing to guess that there are other male virgins out there with very similar thought processes.

Climbing Out of the Pit of Despair

So, with all these dilemmas what’s a male virgin to do?

  • Focusing on the fundamentals of attraction and seduction is a good start for those who have been living in a cave most of your lives.
  • Quit porn and masturbation. Go cold turkey. Delete all porn from your hard drive and put browser blocks on porno sites. Trust me, after one week of no masturbating, you’ll notice a huge difference in how you act around women.
  • Read No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert Glover, as it will help you to understand what has caused you to become the way you are. Because sometimes, it’s a matter of fixing that messed up shit in our heads.

Finally, for you guys that are older, the guys who are in your 30s and 40s, do whatever you have to do to get that first lay out of the way (legally of course), even if it means having a fling with a woman your not too crazy about. Getting that one first time out of the way is like lifting a ton of bricks from your back. And getting that one first lay will be enough to break the curse.

The Virginity Round-up

This post was inspired by the Virgin Round-up being organized by Honey and Lance. It’s a series of blog posts related to the topic of virginity. You can check out some of the other great articles below:


dadshouse October 1, 2008 at 1:38 pm

Nice insights. I agree with your “quit porn” tip – I’m not a big fan of porn. I think it distracts you from real life. And real life is so much better. Go meet a hottie and date, if that’s what you want. Better than staring at her on a screen.

I also agree that you shouldn’t wait for marriage. Get out there and have sex, get good at it, discover what you like, and meet a woman who is good in bed. There is way more to a comitted relationship than sex. But good sex is a necessary ingredient.

Miles October 2, 2008 at 1:26 am

This is excellent advice. If only more friends and family would stop just saying “there’s someone out there for you.” Maybe so, but what kind of person might that be and where, exactly, are they located? I think people say stuff like that because they don’t really want to say out loud what they know to be true. And, actually helping a full grown friend is a lot of work, especially if the virgin is, well… resistant. Hopefully, places like yours make it easier.

Godspeed October 2, 2008 at 7:35 am

Good article.

Matt Savage October 2, 2008 at 10:01 am

@ dadshouse,

Agreed. Good sex ought to be enough motivation for anyone to quit the porn habit. Certainly nothing better than the real thing:)

@ Miles,

I think most people genuinely believe that they are helping with that kind of advice, but they likely don’t understand the underlying complexities the person’s problems. “Be yourself” only really works if you are already good at meeting women.

@ Godspeed,

Eathan October 2, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Nicely said. Very nicely said.

Thanks for the link back.. I’ll have to check your site out.

beautyoftheyear October 3, 2008 at 1:53 am

Agreed. Leave the porn alone, dweebs. All porn does is create an unrealistic ideal in your sex-deprived, horny minds. Male virgins, when in doubt, just print this post out.

Lance October 6, 2008 at 12:14 pm

I’m actually a fan of porn and I recommend it, but for a different reason. I like porn because you can learn great sex techniques and fantasy from it; just don’t abuse it, and don’t use it as a substitute for real socialization. I do advise getting unplugged and getting out into the field as much as humanly possible when you’re just getting started. I also think it’s important to get that first lay out of the way, even if it’s with a fat chick!!

Just be yourself has got to be the worst advice I’ve ever heard. I far prefer Style’s “Just be your best self.”

Honey October 13, 2008 at 1:55 pm

I think that people who are of an age where it starts being abnormal to be a virgin and they haven’t lost it, a lot of times it’s because they don’t really WANT to have sex–for some reason they can’t admit it to themself. Getting to the bottom of why you don’t want to have sex (and fears of women or of being horrible at it are among them) is the only way you’re going to get past the REAL issue and start getting laid.

Burton/Snake Eyez October 14, 2008 at 6:06 pm

I am going to have to really have to disagree with your advice. Especially the porn part. I think there is something more going on here with late male virginity. You make a good argument about porn as well as technology. It is easy to see how a young or even not so young man could get caught up looking at porn, disassociate themselves with the rest of society and then not develop the proper social skills to be able to pick up women. This could be a possible answer except for one fact of life. Prostitution in most places, while illegal, is easily available. Prostitutes don’t require that you attract/charm/seduce them. They take your money and then if everything goes right you have sex with them. Prostitution is also relatively not that expensive. Where I live a prostitute cost less than the cost of a Wii, iphone, or even the better ipods. I would gander to say that some of these older virgins probably own such devices. I am sure that they could spring for a one time shot.

So what is it that is stopping these guys from going and getting a prostitute? Legal issues? I really doubt that all of these guys are just upright citizens that are scared to cross the street. How many of these guys smoke marijuana or use some illicit drug? How many of these guys drank underage? How many of these guys download content illegally?

Maybe they don’t want to catch a disease? Well if that is the case how would you ever coax them out into the bar/club? Sure that prostitute might have slept with tons of guys but most likely she demanded protection, that drunk girl at the bar at the end of the night might have slept with a lot less guys but might have been less discerning when it came to the use of condoms.

Maybe it could be that they find the whole idea of prostitution immoral? Could be but I doubt that. I bet you that if you went online and looked at the older male virgin population you would find everything from the devoutly religious and male feminists to sexual libertarians and the downright misogynist.

Personally I think the answer is more of an inner game issue. I would say that many of these individuals probably have issues reconciling their own sexual desires. For the most part we are taught to feel guilty for having desires and trying to follow our sexual desires by society. We are told that what we want is perverse and degrades women (that is if that is your inclination). We are taught by society how women should be treated and this is what society calls ‘respect.’ Society’s ‘respect’ for women is thus put in conflict with our carnal desires.

Many of us deal with this by trying to repress our desire others use pornography as an outlet for exploring our desires while others explore their true desires and discover their true sexual selves. Those who do freely explore their desires seem to be shunned by society.

This seems to be the case with my experience. Yes I lost my virginity in my late 20′s. Yes I was really into porn (I think at one time I could have had a PHD in pornography). Of course no matter how much porn I looked at and how many times I masturbated I still wanted to have sex: it really isn’t the same feeling. While throughout most of High School I did just go home, sleep, masterbate. I was still involved in lots of activities: Jack and Jills of America, karate, Boy Scouts of America, my High Schools Pre-Med program, peer tutoring, Sci-Fi/Fantasy club, the Asian club (even though I wasn’t Azn). Many of these organizations had women that I knew and probably would have gone out with me. Later on I went to college: plenty of girls, plenty of activities, didn’t have a TV. Still no play. Still even later I was working/hanging out at the Limelight night club in NYC. At one point I was going down there 6 times a week. Still I was a virgin. Finally much later in life I slept with an escort (female). While I am not telling everyone to go out and find a sex worker what I am trying to say is that I had a lot of issues being ok with my own sexual desires. This really didn’t fix itself until I got involved with the sex positive community and the pick up community.

So here is my advice to these older virgins.

1. Do get involved with the pickup community: learn the secrets of inner game, social dynamics, outer game and seduction, etc.

2. Don’t give up porn and masturbation but do get out there and meet people and make connections. Use your porn and masturbation time to learn about what really turns you on. Be able to explain what you want with confidence.

3. Do join the sex positive community. Start reading sex positive blogs and listen to sex positive podcast. See if there is a sex positive store/group in the area. Take any workshops that they have. Learn that there is nothing wrong with your desires no matter how dark, nasty or whatever they are as long as they are safe, sane and consensual. Learn what things really are hot for women. Learn how to do all those things in porn the right, safe and not painful way (unless she really, really likes it the painful way). Learn how to talk to women about what you want. How it will feel to them and show that you have the knowledge to the it the right way.

keyur October 19, 2008 at 3:42 am

Just before finding this website, I was sure that no one understood what I’m going through. I’m 27 and practically a virgin. I’ve been actively trying to lose my v-card for over a year and I was getting very discouraged and pissed off. Lately I’ve been getting advice to the tone of, “You just haven’t met the right one.” I’m going to follow your suggestions instead–get rid of the porn and get that first lay out of the way(even if its a fat chick).

Thanks again (I’ve subscribed to your blog)

Capital Letter Am October 19, 2008 at 3:35 pm

I’m 36 year old involuntary celibate male and here’s my take on this article from someone who is a total virgin (no sex, no gf, no kissing, etc). I didn’t even have to *try* to be one either, it’s just is. The only thing I agree with is the “Catch 22″ section (graph’s sort weak-looking by the way).

It’s definitely sorta too late now, it’s not like when you hear on the news that some 76 year old grandmother “finally” got her College Degree and it’s considered a “good thing”. If you “finally” lose your virginity at like 43, you’d still get the “WHAT”!??!

For me it’s all about the Stigma. If me saying “Yeah, I’m 36 years old and never had a gf before” carried the same weight as “Yeah, I’m 36 and never been on an airplane before”, then I’d be “out there” more, whatever that entails.

How you’re viewed will always supercede whatever opinion you have of yourself. Doesn’t matter what you do for a living, how much $ you take home, college degree, etc., you are The Virgin…again Stigma.

Personally, I know why I’m a V, I’m not an attractive-looking person, and that’s two-fold. I look like an Ape (sorta like Patrick Ewing) and I have that perceived “mixed-race” look (I’m 100% hispanic, but the mix of my hair with my lighter skin color…nobody really likes to mate with that. Folks like people who look like them. If you can’t be categorized, no one wants to deal with “that”).

Like I said, it’s too late, I’m not interested in sex anymore. The only thing that I want now is to be “suprised” just like everybody else is when they hear that someone is a Virgin.

Currently I don’t get it. I was the funny looking dude back when I was a student. I sorta agreed on some level, I mean I saw it in the mirror too. So who wants to see you naked? Who wants sex with the ugly dude? No one, clearly. So how are people shocked that the ugly dude never got laid? At 16 let’s say, it was “you gonna get a girl, yeah right”, then 4 short years later at 20 it’s “you never had a girl, are you for-real?”. What happened in those 4 years? I didn’t get any better looking, I know that. When did you all change your minds? That’s what I’m missing. When did sex apply to me, the unattractive guy that you’ve all made fun of? At first it didn’t, now it’s a shock that it hasn’t happened…I want to be suprised too.

I’m not done either, I’ll address the “Hooker” topic as well. That’s always the “answer”, go see a Prostitute. Let’s say I do, and have my bumbling sex with one, a total of 1 minute, or less if she’s lucky. Now what? Am I like everyone else now? Can I write an article now with lame graphs and weird figures like in the above? Can I make fun of Virgins now? (“You’re 50 and never had sex before? God, you suck!…meanwhile in my mind…”Well, I just lost my virginity at 48 to a hooker an hour ago, but anyway, YOU SUCK chump!) Am I a Man now? As I was bumbling-humping, was I somehow downloading “pick-up” lines and “one-liners” in my mind and now I “get it”.

Get what? I had sex only once and had to pay for it! It’s not proof of anything! It doesn’t mean that I could’ve gotten laid years ago, and by the way, I’m still unattractive, so it doesn’t mean that I will get laid again, via a normal non-paying manner. So you still suck, and worse, someone else now knows, the hooker that is. I could never ever see how you’ll get this alleged “confidence” that everyone talks about when you “finally” lose your virginity.

The hooker is not really a “solution” by the way. That’s just the knee-jerk reaction. “Just get a hooker dammit!” The issue with older male virgins is not really about virginity, it’s that we feel we don’t count as a person. We’re too aware of how we’re viewed. Throwing us into a sexual experience doesn’t really “fix it”. (I’ve read about sex surrogates, with psychotherapists triage sessions, they mess you up even more). I guess we are no longer a Virgin, but like I said above, we’re still not like “everbody else” either. The hooker route creates a new stigma that we now have to keep to ourselves. (“So you lost your virginity to a hooker? At 49? You’re f***** up)! I compare it to a bum: “Just give him money dammit!” You can give a homeless person 10,000 in a glass game-show case. A 100,000 even. It doesn’t matter. Is he like you now? Is he OK and just like everyone else now? He’s set now? I don’t think so. The bum’s issue is not really the money (just like the non-sex is to the male virgin). The issue is the same: He doesn’t count and he knows it.

Still not done, I’ve been online, and done online ads, for two whole years, no one likes the male virgin. “I’d run away as fast as my legs can take me”, or “The Uni-Bomber, he was a virgin you know”. When you read stuff like this, you basically never had a chance. I remember one younger girl who somehow just *knew* this in regards to virginity: “It’s pretty simple really. If you never had sex before, but it’s due to a religious or spiritual reason, that’s hot. But if it’s due to just no reason, nobody wants you”. How did she know this? Where was this taught? Do parents know this? Do Grandparents? Does my 79 year old Grandma know this? Is this just “common knowledge”? Again, I want to be surprised too.

What really kills me are the posting by some ladies, to me even, that “Male Virginity is Hot”. That’s a red flag, that’s like some skeevy old guy saying, “I like hanging by the park and watching cute little kids playing”.

If you think that a 36 year old virgin is hot, there’s something wrong. There’s only two things I can say when I hear that: You either feel sorry for me, or you want a “conquer”, and I definitely don’t want part of either of those situations.

I don’t want “MDA Jerry Lewis Telethon” sex, where I’m clearly the Joke in society, yet “everything’s gonna be OK”. In my mind, you’ve been with tons of real dudes who know what they’re doing and can please you way better, there’s no way a Virgin like me is “the next best thing” for you.

And for those “conquering”, I’ve read their posts: “Yeah, you can do anything you want to them, they’d be really receptive. You can demonstrate that *This is sex* and they really wouldn’t know the difference because they’re virgins.” I don’t want that, full-stop, call me picky, but no. That’s just a full seizure of someone, and they have no clue the whole time which is very sad. I don’t want “Yeah, you’re gonna be great, I can tell”, meanwhile she’s winking to her webcam right before I’m gonna be devoured. How is someone Seizing your virginity, going to empower you? It doesn’t, it empowers them.

Sorry, I’m almost done, this all just comes out as I’m typing this out, and I’m very sorry. The best thing I can do is “tie”. I can only have sex with a fellow Female InCel, because there’d be no One-upping, no controlling, and we’re both in the same boat.

I’ve learned a lot while aging and being an older male virgin. I’m not fat, I’m not in a wheelchair, but that’s not the “pick-up” line either. “Just your being you” like Mister Rogers used to say doesn’t mean anything to anyone. It’s about attraction and attraction-level. My life would be totally different if I was a better looking person, full stop.

Sex & Dating IS NOT about logic (to borrow David D’Angelo’s article I used to subscribe to…which was lame anyway because that’s all he kept on saying). People in Yahoo or MSN articles like to compare it to a Job Interview…no. That itself is logical: someone needs someone with a certain set of skills, if you have it, you’ll get the job. Dating is not like that. I’ll never forget there was this girl on the internet dating site who said “I like Hispanic men, I like Hispanic culture and want to learn Spanish”. I figured “This sound like me! A no brainer! At least an online buddy even”. I replied (quick note as the “experts” say) but no response. Why? She’s not attracted to you.

Attraction is just is, there are no “1-2-3 Steps” to getting someone to like you. That’s what everyone wants: How can I make him/her like me? You can’t *make* someone like you. It’s like saying there are steps to liking the color Blue. You either do or you don’t. If there were 1-2-3 steps, then homeless people would just “get” supermodels all the time, because, hey, they followed the steps!

I’ve heard it all: Get a cool shirt (I can do that), then walk down to the club (I can do that too), then order a drink (that’s easy, so far so good). So what do you do next when you turn around away from the bartender? That’s where the “advice” gets vague: start up a conversation (Well, what you say)? Say anything…comment on things in the club or on the TV, you know. It’s sound all like trial and error, where nothing is really guaranteed. And this is what the whole “suprise” reaction is based on when finding out someone around my age is “still” a virgin? A non-guarantee?

The question the “experienced” folk like to drop is “Well why haven’t you had sex yet?” Again there’s no steps. That question is making it sound like “I ask because all you had to do is….” Is what? Someone has to like you back too don’t they? Again, you can’t make someone like you. It’s not like there’s a girlfriend isle in the market where you can go grab one, or two even, off the shelf. Then just bring them home and they’re just *yours*. If that were the case, then that question is valid: “Well why haven’t you had sex yet? I ask because all you had to do is go down to the supermarket….” Bottom line, someone has to want to too. I can’t have a girl choose to want me back, that’s all on her end. By the way I’m the involuntary celibate virgin, who wants you anyway?

Sex is the only natural “want” in humans, it is not a “need”. Sex if you think about it is not really for *you* either. The purpose of sex if to procreate the species. The issue is that it’s been assigned a status. And if you’ve never achieved this status, you’re stigmatized.

I remember some dude posting his story upon finding out his girlfriend is “still” a Virgin. He said “it’s like meeting someone who never had water in their life before” and he couldn’t understand it. I understand it, no-one ever looks at it from the virgin’s point of view.

If you never had water before, you’re a goner. If you go long without food, you die too. If you never had sex before, what happens? If you never kissed anyone before, what happens? If you never had a girlfriend, what happens to you? If you never been to the strip bar, what happens? I’ve been to the strip bar, and what happened? Nothing. You’re fine. Personally, I’m pretty fit and in good health. But you have to keep it all to yourself because nobody wants that. It is not welcomed, anytime or anywhere.

The best way I can sum up all this is the “Three Post Cards” theory. I’m holding that first one in my left hand that I got way back when I was a student from “the masses” basically saying that “Yup, you’re one ugly dude. You think you’re gonna get a girl…impossible!” Like I said above, I saw it too. In my right hand I’m holding the third one from the masses saying “You’re how old and never even kissed a girl…impossible!” Do you see what I’m saying here? One says “Girl?…impossible” and the other says “No Girl?…impossible”. When was the second post card sent out? What does is say on it?

Does it say: You’re still ugly, but you, even you, can now can get a girl, because __________”. What’s that because? Fill in that blank, because, like I said, I want to be “surprised” too. And I don’t believe, AT ALL IN THE LEAST, that having sex, fumbling sex, once, (with a prostitute, or a pity lay, with a “conquerer” or via a “tie” as I’ve spelled out above) would give me that answer….

THAT girl October 22, 2008 at 7:52 pm

Very interesting article. You’re a good writer, I can give you that.

I’ll tell you now that I don’t quite agree on your standards lol, but I’m not going to condemn you for them of course.

I’m not a virgin. I had sex one time, with a very experienced guy, so it was a lot of fun. Not awkward, no “what the heck am I supposed to do with that??” moments. But I ultimately regretted my decision, because I have never been one to have a “fling” or a one-night-stand.
At the time, I tried to convince myself that I could do it, but what I really wanted was a life-time commitment (I know, go ahead and gag).

I’m now engaged to a 26 year old man who IS a virgin, by choice. I imagine if he read this article he would want to start debating your views right away haha. He is quite the opposite of you in the fact that he has always WANTED to find just ONE person to fall in love with, marry, and spend the rest of his life having sex with. I happen to be that lucky girl. Is our first time in bed going to be amazing? Haha who knows. But it will be fun nonetheless.

SINgleGIRL October 25, 2008 at 1:26 pm

Give up the porn! Seriously. Or at least cut down.

Guys who substitute porn for real human interaction (for whatever reason: late-bloomers, painful shyness, saving themselves for someone special) all have the same dysfunctional sexual habits. I’ve seen it over and over (and over and over). Real sex, real good sex, doesn’t look much like a scene in a porno. I always know when a guy I’m with for the first time has more experience with porn than with flesh and blood women and let me tell you they’re kind of sad. I’d rather a guy be awkward (OK, 10 years ago when I was still in my 20s I’d rather a guy be awkward – now that I’m older they better damn well know what they’re doing) and sweet than pretend he’s auditioning for a role in an amateur porno.

Erika November 1, 2008 at 1:49 pm

When it’s a choice, though, abstaining from sex can be very powerful.

Patanjali said something about chastity and subtle potency.

I’ve written a lot about celibacy on my blog:


Inviting you over, love to dialogue some more ;-)

McMin December 4, 2008 at 1:10 am


Thanks a lot for sharing your unique perspective over these matters… I too agree with your thoughts here. Thanks again for your insights…

Anonymous December 15, 2008 at 11:02 pm

Well, there is a bright side of involuntary virginity.

1: You know you’re clean. Except for blood transfusion you won’t get STDs. (note: HIV is bloodborne not just an STD)

2: You avoid being accused of cheating.

3: You avoid divorce.

4: Women are expensive! You can avoid needless debt.

5: You avoid women cheating on you.

Boss December 18, 2008 at 4:48 am

I myself am a 28 yo male virgin. And disagree with most of what you say. I mean were talking about sex here, not brain surgery. Whats the big deal? The problem is that society, i.e. movies, TV, and media, puts weak ideas of what a man should be in this day and age. So this is for all you guys out their who are still virgins. Its all in your head, plain and simple. You need to be proud, and not ashamed of who you are. That alone will make you respect yourself, and gain a womens respect.

It wasn’t until here recently in society that these stereo types came about. Being a man with standards and morals used to be considered a strength. Just look back at the WWII generation, men were men back in those days. Now not so much, and look what happens. Single parents everywhere you look, kids lacking some major input on their growth. Marriages failing at an astonishing rate, and the all around degradation of morals and standards. Ignore all that bull that comes out of the sewer pipe and be your own man.

I’m a good looking guy, drive a 68 Dodge Charger, make good money, and play in a rock band. Theirs nothing shy or timid about my personality at all. More than likely more masculine and dominate than 95% of men out their. Ive got everything going for me. OMG I’m not getting laid! Cry me a river…. So you can pack all those stereo types where the sun don’t shine. I don’t have unrealistic ideas about fairytale love, or guarding my virginity with an ironclad fist. I just wont compromise my standards for a quick lay. And Ive had a lot of opportunity’s for those.

Maybe a lot of guys out their have low self esteem about not getting laid. And honestly a women will not respect a man who doesn’t respect himself. So you need to change the way you look at yourself and turn it into a strength first and foremost. Because no matter how much you get laid, in the end the guys with this mentality will end up alone, because their lacking some major qualities. The type of qualities that will enable a long lasting and loving relationship. Such as honesty, integrity, being supportive, understand and trustworthiness.

So don’t by into the notion that your only worthy if your getting laid. Lol, pickup artist. A guy with painted fingernails, mardi gras beads, a pink furry hat, and couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag. Sure take advise from this guy, go get LAID by trashy women! More than likely most of you guys that are not getting laid have a lot to offer a women. Realize that, and be proud of those things! Then you will be able to approach a women with confidence knowing that your a real man. Not some pansy who’s out just to get laid.

J.K. January 7, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Its completely psychological. You won’t die if you won’t get laid. Maybe your genes won’t make it to the next century, but who cares. You can adopt a child. Just like those women who hold out for ‘the one’ and never commit themselfs will have a child on their own. I do what I can, but there is now a huge statistical evidence that women don’t feel chemistry with me. I know women who only feel chemistry for the wrong guys who abuse them, even though she wants to marry the right guy how can she tell him that sex is out of the question. So everybody has his/her own problem get over it and find pleasure in something else. Married couples will stop having sex after a while anyway. I only want to have fun and laugh so I go dancing, play bowling and observe body language and laugh at how awkward those allegedly perfect alpha males are. Try to look at a 4’11” girl and a 6’3” guy couple when they try to kiss. (That same girl found you short for being just 5’5”.) Or when your female friend tells you that her boyfriend is such a jerk and you are such a nice guy. Well if you let yourself led by your hormones funny things can happen. And all this doesn’t happen to you so you are lucky not attracting women.

Matt Savage January 8, 2009 at 10:58 am

Yes, you avoid all of those things, which all have various levels of risk, but what’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy sex. Sometimes it’s worth taking a minimal risk in order to get a greater reward.

I could avoid the risk of being hit by car by locking myself in my apartment for my entire life, but that would really suck. I’d rather go outside and take a minimal risk of being hit by a car in order to enjoy exploring the world. See what I’m saying?

That’s a nice little rant you have there and do agree with some of what you say, which also corresponds to things I was talking about in the original post. You’re right is a head game and all those involuntary virgins out there certainly need to take pride in themselves, keep a high self esteem, etc. However, for a lot of guys, it’s not easy to have a lot of self worth when women are constantly rejecting you, creating a negative feedback loop, hence the “Virginity Catch 22.”

Ive got everything going for me. OMG I’m not getting laid! Cry me a river… I just wont compromise my standards for a quick lay. And Ive had a lot of opportunity’s for those.

Ok, well you sound like you got your shit together and have standards. Good for you. So, why are you a 28 year old virgin again? It seems to me that you are basically voluntarily celibate, no? Either that or your standards are the tune of super model status.

This is a very cynical and disturbing comment. It sounds to me like you’ve reached that point in your life where you are so frustrated that you are writing off sex completely. And now, as evidenced by your comment, you come up with all kinds of reasons to justify living a life without sex.

Sure you won’t die if you don’t get laid, you won’t pass on your genes, you won’t have to deal with the difficulties of a sexless marriage later in life, etc. You are essentially saying that sex is a useless endeavor in the big picture of things… maybe you’re right. However, I think you are missing the whole point of sex on it’s most basic and natural level, that of a pleasurable, intimate, gratifying experience with a good woman! For that reason alone, in my opinion, is certainly worth the pursuit.

Anna January 28, 2009 at 12:33 am

I took my bf’s virginity when he was 48, I was 23. I’ve slept with about 8 guys, some serious, I have a child from a previous relationship. I must say I love older male virgins. I am not turned on by a walking disease who’s slept with 1000 women. Being assertive, confident, and having a temper, I like a shy, quiet, calm guy, they tend to rub off on me. Plus with older male virgins, money generally isn’t an issue, you don’t have to worry about psycho exes, and baggage (oops I met to say kids) from previous relationships. Yes, I am a mom, and I WOULD NOT date a man with kids. My boyfriend is the sexiest man in the world, gray balding head, wrinkles, and all. I love his mind, he’s very smart, great with my child. He is the marrying type and how no woman scooped him up when he was young I’ll never understand. Now if I could only figure out how to get him to pop the question…

Matt Savage January 28, 2009 at 10:43 am

@ Anna,
Here’s the thing, it sounds like you are selecting your 48 year old boyfriend as a “Provider” and not so much out of sexual desire and attraction. And why wouldn’t you, he’s probably got a stable job with money, he’s good with the kid and likely to be an excellent family man, no doubt. Of course, that’s because it’s all he can do. The guy is more than twice your age, why hasn’t he been in a relationship?

You have already had your fun playing the game, had some type of relationships with eight guys, popped out a kid and now your ready to nest, as indicated by your wish for marriage. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not doubting your love for this guy, but your motives appear to more of a safety net than attraction.

Let me ask you this, would you be willing to have another kid with this guy? Would you be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement? Would you still have a relationship with him if he was poor?

just a regular "nobody" February 17, 2009 at 2:02 pm

35 year old male virgin here. Personally, I’ve done my own research(courtesy of my bestest friend in the whole f—-n’ world, Google.com) and have read acticles(no, not porn sites….blogs) of first-hand accounts of what intimate sexual intercourse with a woman is really like(or at least can be like). I don’t have the link, but you can search for yourself. Frankly, I don’t see the big deal with sexual intercourse itself. I mean, sure, if you’re born confident, don’t have debt, make tons of f—-n’ ca$h, don’t live with mom & dad, are very good looking, don’t have any “baggage” or “issues”(whatever that means this minute) and will be willing to doormat yourself to any one woman’s most irrational and ridiculous whims, and then put your whole future well being in question via marriage(66% divorce rate/alimony, anyone???), then sure, you can experience that once-in-a-lifetime, love-of-your-life, fairy-tale, “soul-uniting”(if you’re religious) blahblahblahblah-whatever “girl of your dreams”-type “relationship”. Of course we all know(if we’re smart) that it is, for most everybody(especially in today economy(thanks Bu$h, Clinton–BOTH parties are F—ed, don’t kid yourself), just a pipe dream. What am I saying??? It’s ALL ABOUT THE $$$$$, folks.

And why the F— can’t I look at a little porn sometimes??? It isn’t the real explicit kind, and I only “indulge” myself, at MOST, once a week(not that it’s anyone’s f—in’ business). All men have sexual urges(at least almost all); unfortunately for me, I do too, though not nearly like I used to(thank god). I never wanted kids(which I always thought was the exclusive purpose and goal with sex). There are other, just as stimulating and rewarding, ways to feed your urges, people(even with other people or just by your lonesome) than regular penis-to-vagina intercourse, which, if you’re like me and DON’T WANT kids, will very likely, eventually, potentially, cause you a LIFETIME of regret. Sure, some people(mostly WOMEN), get to be “asexual” and not have urges(wooohooo; lucky for them), but most of us aren’t that lucky. Sure some of you guys are the societally-desired “perfect” macho-man “alpha” type, who knew from birth what you wanted to be and are stocked to the gills with pride, confidence, admiration, charm, “balls”, “looks”, ca$$$$$$$$$h(the MOST important one, folks) and are regular f—in’ Ted Nugents(or so they claim)…..again, MOST of us are not that fortunate(and never will be).

Look, we were all put on this earth involuntarily, due to either purpose or accident, by our parents decision(probably while drunk) to fall in love, then get married(or not), and then f— without a condom(or a torn one(it happens)). Simple as that. No God, no “divine intervention”, no “destiny”, no horoscope, no “stars”, no reincarnation punishment/reward. We are purely biological entities, living out a biological process. We all have free will, as intelligent human beings with advanced, evolved, developed brains, to know better than to fall into the mindf— known as “God”, religion, or on the secular level “therapists” and all the brainwashing it/they force people into regarding intimate human relationships. That “I want to spend duh rest of my life wif you!” feeling you get when you meet “That Someone Special™”, is just chemicals in your F—in’ brain, people……..nothing “magical”, nothing “spiritual” at all.

One thing you need to do, like what I did, is this: quit alcohol for good, quit overeating, exercise(you NEED strength), quit “smokes”, quit coffee and other caffeinated beverages, quit eating processed foods with all their government-sanctioned brainwash chemicals like “soy lecithin”(sp?) etc., and quit being brainwashed by the f—in’ IDIOT BOX, known as your television. The ENTIRE mass media(CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, FOX NEWS, etc., as well as all “entertainment”(BRAINWASH) mediums) outlets are SPECIFICALLY designed by the GOVERNMENT to f— with your head, demoralise you, dehumanise you, and make you feel like TOTAL SH-T about yourself! They’ll tell you you’re inferior because you’re “whitey”, because you’re “poor”, because you’re an American, because you’re “from the South” or “from the Midwest”(me), because you “live with your parents”(me), because you “never kissed a girl”(me)……..and blah blah blah and F—in’ Blah AGAIN AND AGAIN AND F—IN’ AGAIN………for the rest of your God Damn F—in’ LIFE…..only if you let them!!!


I’ll conclude by “pasting” this timeless, invaluable information I got somewhere else via my very dear and personal good friend……..GOOGLE:

“…in the early mornings, sit still in an upright cross legged position.
breathe in deeply and slowly and let the breath out evenly and slowly
while LETTING the energy pass THROUGH YOU… This will take much
repetition and practice to be able to ‘let it go’ probably 30 days of
doing this every day for 1 solid hr at the same time each day…but
the result will be an empowering that is incomprehensible! You will be
one in a hundred million that truly is seeking the path of non
attachment to the illusory inducements. In this you will find FREEDOM
and a clear mind that you never thought possible. 30 days at least or
don’t even start…it DOES take diligence.

I did not mention one important aspect of step 4. Breathe in thru the
nose, out thru the mouth, ALWAYS. Let the energy go THROUGH instead of
attaching your mind and attention to it. Early mornings are the best
time because that is when the greatest impulses of sexual energy

If you are successful, you will find that the greatest sex you have
ever had will pale in comparison to the feeling you will be LIVING,
having gone BEYOND it.”


Matt Savage February 17, 2009 at 3:21 pm

@ just a regular nobody,
Dude, that was a long ass rant. Is it me or do you sound a bit jaded? :)

Also, I think you covered every conceivable topic whilst trying to make sense of one – male virginity.

If you are successful, you will find that the greatest sex you have ever had will pale in comparison to the feeling you will be LIVING, having gone BEYOND it

This quote from above, though it sounds believable, it’s still a tough nugget to swallow for those that have never had the experience of great sex, or any sex for that matter. You can’t make comparisons to those things that you’ve never experienced…

just a regular "nobody" February 17, 2009 at 4:41 pm

@ Matt Savage,

Yes I am jaded. So what.

“Also, I think you covered every conceivable topic whilst trying to make sense of one – male virginity.”

That’s called the big picture. Everybody wants to make people like me feel guilty for who i am(but then HYPOCRITICALLY ask ME not to “judge” THEM?????????). If you lose your virginity at age 37 or whatever(or even 19, for you kids), then(like the other guy up there said), it’s “OMG!!!!! You…..you, mean…..you(OMG) NeV3R hAd sExxxxxxxxORx B-4 dAt!!! U sIcK fReaK!!! U l00K @ pORN, OMG!!!!! u muS B sUm pEDo w3ird0!!!!! OMG!!!!!”…..you know, the typical immature, ignorant, childish id response from the brainwashed masses of “wymyn” under 50(or 60 probably now…….thanks hippies).

“”If you are successful, you will find that the greatest sex you have ever had will pale in comparison to the feeling you will be LIVING, having gone BEYOND it”

This quote from above, though it sounds believable, it’s still a tough nugget to swallow for those that have never had the experience of great sex, or any sex for that matter. You can’t make comparisons to those things that you’ve never experienced…”

At least I can imagine it being better, or assume it is. What’s the harm? Why do you care??? Whatever makes people happy. Most of the 6.5 BILLION people in the world already assume sex is the single greatest experience, why??? Becuase SOCIETY(the GLOBAL cabal of mass media, corporations and governments), basically the Powers That Be on this F—ed up planet want to brainwash as many poor saps as possible into creating as many future SLAVES(a.k.a. children) as possible(the System ALWAYS needs as many new SLAVES as it can get). Why do I have to be pushed around by that erroneous way of thinking??? WHy do I have to be “othered” just because I chose(and basically had to) live a way of life without the trivial, fleeting physical pleasure of sexual intercourse, which consequences can(and othen DO) FAR outweigh any momentary “benefits”(the biological/sensory feeling of one’s sexual glands being stimulated by friction and the momentary rush of blood known as “orgasm”. Guess what else gets the blood flowing? LIFTING WEIGHTS….or how about JOGGING IN PLACE? You want a “higher state”? How about meditation(like the quote I posted, which has been practiced in various forms by monks of various faiths since ancient times).

Hypocrites like to claim they “live and let live”, and believe in “whatever makes you happy, as long as you’re not hurting anyone”, except for the one MODERN taboo, VIRGINITY, which goes against the modernist thinking that you should be f-cking like a rabbit everything in sight and “getting laid” or else you’re a “prude” or a “religious right-wing fascist nutcase” blahblahblah…. Nothing is ever assumed GOOD about the male virgin ESPECIALLY. Alot of women will LIE TO YOUR FACE and pretend to show you simpathy and that “u seem L!K a NICE GUY!” when REALLY they HATE you, besause you’re “just another loser” who doesn’t “add up” to their ideal of the obscenely extroverted, macho-man, “ALpha”, obscene, violent “bad boy” type they REALLY are “hot” for…..THEN when they’re A$$hole Hitler of a boyfriend finally knocks their teeth in, THEN they come begging for the good guy’s simpathy…….well, guess what???? F you, c-nt! You deserved it for your thousands of years of DELIBERATE dysgenic mating and reproductive activities with all the @$$HOLES you chose for the shallow purpose of “giving you a good f-cking”, right you sluts??????? That’s right; MY world(that’s MY LIFE) has been the victim of DYSGENIC MATING RITUALS BY MOST WOMEN WHO ONLY GO AFTER THE “BAD BOYS” AS POTENTIAL MATING PARTNERS……so that even if I wanted ONE damn night of nothing but non-sexual companionship with another women…….FORGET IT! I’m not “COOL”, they say(meaning I’m not the typical @$$hole male dog subhuman, predatory, knuckle-dragging ANIMALISTIC MORON!).

Sylar April 24, 2009 at 8:31 am

I’m just wondering if it still counts as sex if you do it with a robot? And yes, this is a serious question. I’m a misanthrope who harbours a deeply rooted loathing for the entire human race in general and actually find the idea of having a long-term relationship with anyone, regardless of whether they’re male or female, distasteful. Moreover, factor in my limited financial means as a 22 year old uni student ,as well as my phobia of contracting H.IV., and that rules out the possibility of doing it for the first time with a hooker. So you can see why it’s important that I clarify if having intercourse with a robot actually counts as ”real” sex.

younger then them May 4, 2009 at 1:31 am

Wow. Good article man. Actually I’m not as old as a lot of the otha guys here. I’m 18 and my closest friends have alost ther virginity (except 1). The reason I think most guys haven’t lost their virginity is because they feel inadequate when compared to other males. My problem is that I’ve watched porn and wonder if my penis is large enough. I mean I would like for it 2 b larger because wen compared 2 pornstars like “Ramon” I feel like my penis is the size of a baby carrot. But sex is somewhat a big deal to me because I’m the 3rd oldest in my crew but some of the younger guyz have already lost their virginity. I’m currently talking to this girl but she wants to have sex and the one thing I can neva get out of my mind is if my penis is big enough. But the point I was supposed 2 b making is that some of the guys who have left comments seem to still be virgins due to their lack of social skills. If anything you should just go out to a bar or a club and try 2 find a quality girl I mean come on, its not that hard to talk 2 women. When it getz down 2 it, if u tell her ur a virgin she will understand, and if I am correct I hear thatz also a turn on for the female in question

just a regular "nobody" May 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Well I’m updating after 3 months since my last posts here(on Feb. 17) just to say that the simple meditation(breathing) advice I found on Google, some of which I shared here, has effectively eliminated any need for me to masturbate at all for what is now over 3 months! Right after I typed my angry posts(back when I wasn’t sure I could resist the usual weekly/semi-weekly bond that was my masturbation addiction) I decided to put into practice the breathing advice one morning right after I woke up with the typical “woody”, while still in bed…….it worked! Within minutes, and while just laying down(NOT in any fancy-dancy lotus or “Buddha” position) I found the CURE to my(at that point) 23-year addiction to masturbation…..and now EVER since then when I’ve had the urge to masturbate(whether in bed or sitting in my chair, or even in the shower), it WORKS! No religion! No “therapy”! No “spiritual journey” or any other type of trite, wastful nonsence! Just a SIMPLE breathing technique that only takes me MINUTES(NOT hours!) has EXTINQUISHED a 23-YEAR habit which was draining my energy and wasting way too much of my time, and now I’m forever FREE of it! I haven’t been feeling this good since I can’t remember…..I’ve lost at least 35 pounds since the start of this year, I’m exercising 6 days/week and lifting heavier weights in my workouts than I have in nearly 1o YEARS, and I’m probably going to grow back all my hair as well! When you eliminate the need to masturbate you find your mind at ease, knowing that all the globalist corporate/government-driven smut media has absolutely ZERO effect on your newfound identity as a CIVILIZED, EVOLVED MALE who realizes habitual sex(of fantasies of such) is NOT in one’s own best interest in an overcrowded planet with widespread diseases, poverty and HUNGER, thanks in no small part to the GLOBO-CORPORATE FASCIST SHADOW WORLD GOVERNMENT that CONTROLS THE SHEEPLE MEDIA(like MTV) and tells you that you are nothing without your “sexual health”(BIGGEST. CROCK. OF. SHIT. EVER. PERPETUATED. AGAINST. HUMANITY.). No folks, the ONLY “sexual health” against our diseased human species(thanks to dysgenic(“bad boy”) female mating preferences!) is ABSTINENCE. Good luck!

daniel m85948 May 21, 2009 at 6:07 am

at 56 i am Britain’s oldest male virgin.and proud of it .i have done five TV shows .from 1999.to last one in nov 08 and from what i have seen on these shows i have not missed much.

over it (formally younger then them) May 21, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Honestly if any1 wantz 2 lose their virginity, find a friend and have sex wit them. Thatz wat I did and as da article states itz nothin afta you’ve done it. All the time I was wondering bout losing it and how thingz wud b. Ur 1st time is nothin more than a chance to peek ur interest, from there u begin having sex 2 get better. And I am awesome XD made her cum my 1st time

Sinful June 3, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Hey there, i thought your posts were quite enlightening and informative. You should come in and have a chat on our forum sometime (i sound like a bot, but im not. Seriously. im not. I’ll say a random word. Look, Penguin.)

Anyways, Check out The paragon project.


You’re an intelligent individual, and im sure you’ll fit in quite well in our community. Im not a recruiter, nor am i being paid to do this. However i noticed that you are quite knowledgable, and you ‘know your shit’.


daniel m85948 June 22, 2009 at 6:21 pm

i still would like to know ,am i the oldist male virgin at 56 in the western world,and yes iam still prood of the fact,there can only be one.and i must wait for her.if i do not find her ,so be it .dont up wait for the one and only.it is only those that,are not virgins that dont understand why you must wait to you find the right one.

Alex June 25, 2009 at 9:38 pm

I think it’s just a matter of choice for some. Some males prefer virgin before tying the knot or some are just scared to the consequences after the deed like getting the girl pregnant.

No Prude, Just a Nice Girl July 22, 2009 at 7:11 pm

Interesting how the just a regular nobody uses the f word consistently throughout his post. Lose the attitude and maybe some gal will want you…sex is on of the most beautiful human experiences and expressions of love and caring that there is in this life. If it wasn’t natural, we wouldn’t so nicely fit together…

just a regular "nobody" July 23, 2009 at 2:11 pm

“No Prude, Just a Nice Girl”, you say “sex is on[sp] of the most beautiful human experiences and expressions of love and caring that there is in this life”……….oh right, because there’s no other better way to experience life or to love someone else than having sex, right? Like actually helping people or being friendly to others or contributing in some way positively towards the betterment of society, even if you’re a *gasp* virgin isn’t enough to make one anything other than a “prude” which you put so jokingly as a back-handed insult towards me………well newsflash, there are such people as asexuals, you know, people who don’t practice or need sex and are perfectly self-accepting without it and are equally accepting of others like them; but you’re “cooler” than that, right? Just dismiss them as prudes, right? That’s exactly what shallow, close-minded idiots like you are about, because most people like you have to base your whole lives and sense of self-worth on what “others”(read: sheeple) think of you; most of you aren’t even close to being open-minded enough to possibly accept or even imagine a paradigm of ideology that DOESN’T put sex front-and-center of a so-called “normal, functioning human being”. All you do, by judging us as prudes and by lecturing us on how you think we can be “normal” like you, is dismiss, marginalize and reject us in the very same manner in which women, racial minorities and gays had been marginalized, rejected, ostracised and “other”ed in the past(though for the most part they’re accepted very well today; well unless they’re *GASP* VIRGINS!). That’s ok through……just keep being a “good liberal”, keep mocking others who share different values and lifestyle practices in which you can’t relate to or understand in order to feel better about yourself, and please disregard the meaning of what I’ve said before and concentrate SOLELY on the “f word”s, as you put it, simply because you(and most of the sheeple like you) are too stupid to understand anything other than “follow the leader” and “go along to get along” so that the czars who control global bullsh-t “society” can see you sheepily going along and only accepting and propogating the bullsh-t that they have BRAINWASHED you and practically everyone else in the world into doing…..whether by religion or by “pop culture”(l.o.l.)…………..

just a regular "nobody" July 23, 2009 at 2:16 pm

No Prude, Just a Nice Girl said “If it wasn’t natural…”(meaning sex).

Poison mushrooms are natural, too; doesn’t mean we should eat them.

Ever hear of STDs or overpolulation……no of course not; you were too busy calling me a prude and focusing of the word “fuck” to make sense.

Phillip March 16, 2010 at 6:31 pm

I happen to be a 42 yr old male virgin. It’s not by choice! My elderly parents needed someone to take care of them. You try and have a social life when your father is diabetic and your mother has two detached retnas! In this day and age of AIDS knowing that your girl or guy hasn’t been sleeping around is more comforting than getting laid 3 and 4 times a day! Ok so I’m ugly fat guy with a big nose. Not even a woman like Liza manelli or fat opera would want to have sex with me:( If I tried pay one of those fat black hookers $2k in
manhattan Ide get refused. I thought there was hope for me:( you see it all the time on Jerry springer, these attractive women with ugly guys for boyfriends. I guess I’ll be the first to die a virgin. Maybe I’ll just get it over with and swallow this whole bottle of paxil,and just die:-(::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dave March 17, 2010 at 8:16 pm

This sounds just like a buddy of mine. I’ll tell him to read this post and he just might lose his v-card.

bobby no fuck? June 6, 2010 at 10:59 pm

holy fuck i feel for the virgins

robert June 29, 2010 at 3:05 am

i’m 45 and still a virgin. my advice for any guy over 35 and still a virgin is give up. it’s not going to happen, don’t even try it’s only going to lead to more misery and more rejection. i’m sorry it sounds cruel but it’s the truth and my fellow virgins know it.

Spooty Rabinowitz July 30, 2010 at 10:47 pm

I’m not a virgin but I might as well be. Nothing worse than being a horny kid, desperate just to lose that stigma, then failing the first chance you get. Then the next, and the next and the next. I can’t blame it on the women, they were perfectly understanding and wanted to give me another chance. OK, I did mange to pull it off once, when I was 20, one drunken night. Sorry, that doesn’t do it. Odd, since I got off to a good almost-start, making out, etc. Several women have told me I was a very good kisser, except I’ve kissed maybe twice in the past 25 years. (Currently a few years on the dark side of 50.)

There are other issues than need to be mentioned. I was treated for depression – therapy, not medication – when I was about 12. An alcoholic from an alcoholic family, the drinking kicked in at about 15, before failure number one.

Nothing about me outwardly fits the virgin stereotype. I was something of a “freak” in high school but hey, it was the 70s. I’m generally considered good-looking, smart, have a sharp sense of humor and can make people laugh. I’ve always had good peer relations and friends. My closer friends know I have little or no experience, but most people, including most women, would be surprised to learn of my celibacy.

I had an epiphany during my senior year of college. I was walking one evening to cheap-pitcher night at one of the campus dives, thinking about a girl I had always had a crush on who had finished school and left town and who, a few years prior, had seemed interested. When the “truth” reared its ugly head: “Look, dipshit (speaking to myself). No, you’re not going to “get your shit together” one day and have a sex life. Here you are in a Disneyland of pussy and all you do is get shitfaced every night and sit around with a bunch of asshole clowns farting and telling dirty jokes.”

I tried to think of what a “date” would be like, but I couldn’t. Do what? Talk about what? I’m bored, boring and irritable when I’m not drinking, and what kind of woman wants to sit around watching some guy drink ten or twelve beers? Unless she’s pretty much of a dweeb herself she’s been with a few guys who know what they’re doing and, even if I could pull it off, there’s no way the sex would be any good.

This essentially set my life’s course. At an age that should have been my most sexually active I had given up. I didn’t see celibacy as something I willed on myself but simply acknowledging “the writing on the wall.” Rejection had never really been the issue, but a visceral feeling that I don’t deserve it and I’m not up for it.

There’s obviously a lot of alcoholic self-loathing going on, and depression and alcoholism go hand in hand. Throughout my adult life, I have been functional, had decent if not particularly lucrative jobs. I’ve even managed to have some fun, and there have been several times when I know women have been interested. But I developed a connubial version of the old Groucho Marx joke: I would never be interested in any woman who would accept me. I would assume she’s pathetic and desperate. Especially by their late 30s, a lot of women do get desperate at the prospect of never getting married. I would never be anything but consolation prize, because all the first round draft picks are taken, by someone willing to put up with little or no sex who will remember good sex she had during the bloom of youth.

Dwelling on sex inevitably leads to grinding humiliation. I remember in my early 30s, working as a substitute teacher for a while when I was between regular jobs, overhearing these two students talking about sex with their girlfriends. Yes, I know, adolescent males BS a lot, but I could tell this was not a bragging thing. They were good-looking juniors or seniors. I remember thinking that they were already men that I was never going to be. I’ve always had trouble thinking of myself as a “man.” In spite of working out and staying in shape, getting a Black Belt…oh what the fuck.

Even after getting sober in my mid-40s, and getting some relief from the depression thing, I still can’t get passed the inexperience part. I can understand why some women are not attracted to unattached guys. And MOST women to guys who have lived their adult lives alone and never been in a real relationship. Much past mid-30s, a guy who is marriage material is going to be married. Not true with women; there is no shortage of middle-age women who are single for various reasons, especially in my metro area. But they damn well better be suspicious of unattached men, and I’m a case in point.

It’s spilled milk at this point anyway; there’s not way to reclaim my wasted youth. Women in my age group are nearing, in, or through menopause, and the trans-generational thing won’t cut it for me. I would never trust her motives anyway.

Life’s OK. I don’t recommend a celibate life, but it’s doable.

Wallace August 20, 2010 at 12:11 pm

I was a virgin until 21 years old. And not because I wanted to be.
I was painfully shy and not attractive enough for anyone to pay attention to me.

I was tortured by the stigma and my confidence was in the toilet. Women can be judgmental and cruel. My nightmare was to fall in love with an experienced woman while still a virgin.

It got harder and harder to cope and I was seriously depressed and couldn’t connect with any women with this in the way.

So, I went to a hooker.

Okay, not the wisest move–but it worked. With that out of the way I had enough confidence to get moving.

I made sure that I had sex with about 15 women before I went after a relationship. I met her and we’ve been married 25 years.

But I still remember the shame and pain. I never felt the confidence that I believe that I should have if I had sex earlier.

Stephen Waterstram August 23, 2010 at 8:57 pm

Alot of men seem to have the bravery enough to come out as virgins, I was technically still a virgin till I was 26 due to the fact my penis had not yet enterd any vagina, before that I was making out with both genders once in a great while. It was frustrating and imasculating to know that I haven’t had pu$$y up until that point and it was also an intimidating fact that mst females at my age have not just had quite a few relationships (Boyfriends) but even scarier thought of on countering girls my age that along side having had relationships are the ones that had the FWB’s and many ONS’s and here I was a far less experienced adult male. In my mind I said to the world “HELP! I CAN’T CONTINUE STAYING A VIRGIN!” I’m one of those who had to bide time and believe thsoe who told me “It comes to you when You’re NOT Looking!” I even bought a self help book called The New Male Sexuality because it had a passage in there “Suppose You’re still a Virgin” After I saw that in there I braved up to people an went around like a Gay man coming out of the closet telling people that I was a haven’t had sex with a woman yet virgin” this was when I was about 25, that was bravery and a big leap of faith on my shy nerve.
Of all the unfulfilling make out session between both not having had my penis in a vagina was just an either fuck it or how the held am I ever going to get laid? I went out with a friend of mine one night and I saw a woman who seemed rather ideal to talk to pretty and down to earth. She was with a transvestite friend and my friend started to talk to the trannny so me and pretty woman could shove off and do our thing. That was the fall of my 26th year. YES! My penis was finally enveloped in a vagina! The virginity was finally over.
Between the age of 26 and 32 I had a couple relationships,flings,more make outs, and and a few ONS’s BUT, after 32 I started to worry OMG what if I catch an STD and because of that worry I lost my game completely and became a stark masturbator. This extreme dry spell makes Me feel more virgin than ever but it’s it good thing that I know I’m not. I’m hoping to get a start up somewhere to end the misrable masturbatory dry spell.
Wish Me luck and the rest of you hopeful long term wankers.

Master Sargent September 24, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Since your very first sex is usually always gonna be crap unless you happen to have a very sweet loving and already somewhat experienced girlfriend you might as well use brute force and go to a quality brothel, just to get your foot in the door.

Get an experienced buddy who takes you to a brothel and picks out a hooker of your choice, talks to her and so on. Use the internet to find one if you like. My guess is the hooker will actually be pleased to experience the thrill of deflowering a guy. She will be very sweet and helpful and understanding. It’s her JOB to do what YOU want.

Master Sargent September 24, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Sex is only a big deal if you don’t have it.
You’ll be surprised how little you care about it if you’re having it.

almost 40 year old virgin September 28, 2010 at 4:08 am

Some good observations and some not so good generalizations.

Porn certainly is a great factor, I dare say it even leads to confusion of your overall sexual orientation. Avid porn consumers, ask yourself which porn flic is hotter. The one with the big dicked guy or the average sized? Rhetorical question, I know.
What are you really getting off on then?

Low self-image and shy&nice-guy demeanor as well as putting females on pedestals because of feminist brainwashing are the main keys though.
Took me about 3 decades to shake that off and by now I probably have enough natural game (not giving a fuck) to comfortably get laid, but I don´t want to anymore.

The automatic misogyny(non-hating, just not trusting anymore) one acquires when you starts to really “grok” the female animal and simply the wanning of the breeding and “fuck-drive” leads to a vanishing wish to put up with all the female idiosyncrasies and hypocrisies.

Sorry “ladies” but this meal-ticket has sailed. Looking forward to another 40 years of (relative) peace and quite, observing our quickly out of control spiraling western civilization.

confusiondelusion October 5, 2010 at 2:49 pm

I’m a 26 year old male virgin and quite frankly I’m done with it.

I’m sick of being depressed, anxious, shy, and alone.
I’m going to go out of my way to get laid, by an actual caring woman, this year. If I am still a virgin at 27 I’m going to just pay to get my dick sucked.

If I’m still a virgin to the vagina at 28, I’m liable to do anything.
I am just so sick and fucking tired of feeling like a crushed can.

He was so quiet and shy!

and you never cared.

Older virgins simply care too much in a world that doesn’t give fuck one.

Stephen Waterstram October 5, 2010 at 7:43 pm

I wish Icould get some e-mails from the vaginally non dipped dudes out there, I know I’ve had my sleigh ride but I’ve been off of that ride for a while now and I don’t know when I’ll get to spin again. Don’t be shy with Me I don’t bite, I understand the plight. sewdavicious@verizon.net

Random October 25, 2010 at 2:43 am

I’m a 24 year old virgin and it’s mainly a result of high social anxiety, too much masturbating in general, and then porn addiction in my early twenties. I’ve had several chances to get laid, but didn’t take advantage of them because of the above reasons. I’m past all that and definitely feel more confident and social with women, but I still need to lose my v card. I’ve read the posts from older men that haven’t lost their virginity. I see similar traits from them in me, and it’s kind of looking at the ghost of Christmas future, which kind of frightens me and motivates me even more to lose it now before it is too late.

I realize, that even though I’m late bloomer, it isn’t too late for me yet. I can still lose my virginity if I put some effort, as I have roughly 10 years to lose it until all hope is lost at around the age of 35. I’ve been reading the older male virgins making rationalizations that sex isn’t necessary. I agree it isn’t necessary, just like getting stoned isn’t necessary or eating mushrooms aren’t necessary. However one thing sex and hallucinogenic drugs have in common is that they are incredible experiences that make you feel alive. You don’t need to do them frequently, but doing them at least a few times a year will at least make life better.

I noticed that when your very young (college-aged), like 18-21. The chances to get laid easily are pretty high especially if you are at least decent looking, however as you get older, it becomes more difficult, and while the chances still come they aren’t as frequent. I think the majority of guys who lose their virginity, lost it because they took advantage of the easy lay. So even though it gets more challenging as they get older, they have the experience to get the harder lays.

The guys such as many who have posted in this blog that never took advantage of those easy chances get screwed over when they get older and realize that they’re gonna need experience to get laid, which they don’t have. I feel that even though when you turn 20, nature seems to go slowly against you in losing your virginity, I’m gonna seize the day and make a full out effort to lose my v-card so I can break the ice. Then after that, if getting laid still is difficult for me, I wouldn’t mind paying hookers once in a blue moon because losing my v-card without paying is very important to me. I’m already doing it now, talking to girls when I get chance to boost my confidence and social skills, it’s an uphill battle for me, but I’m not too far down the hill yet.

As for the older men who have missed the train (35+). There’s no shame in paying a hooker to get laid once in a blue moon. It’s just sex, nothing horrible or amazing is going to happen to you if you do it other than you experiencing the act. Unless you want to be the next Nicola Tesla, Mozart, William Shakespeare or Picasso and want to channel that pent up sexual energy through meditation to invent incredible technological masterpieces, create powerful music, write magnificent scripts and paint beautiful paintings. There really is no other reason to not get laid that is adequate, and I think you can still do the above things if you get laid once in a blue moon.

Matt Savage October 25, 2010 at 10:24 am

I think you have a pretty good outlook on this and it’s good that you are recognizing some of the patterns that the male virgins in their 30s and 40s are commenting about. Since you’re still fairly young, at 24, you’re not as bad off as you might think, though it is super important that you get working on this shit right now. It’s something you have to get handled before getting into your late 20s or else it’s going to be exponentially more difficult. Good luck dude and be sure to come back and leave a comment when you lose the big V-card.

Random October 25, 2010 at 4:33 pm


Thank you, and I’m glad I stumbled on to this article at this time in my life. I have taken appropriate steps to increase my chances to get laid, but in the end it is all about action. I’ll definitely post a comment if I do succeed, whether it takes a week or a year.

ex virgin November 28, 2010 at 10:08 am

agree with Random. I am also 24 and lost it very recently. The girl I did it with was definitely an ‘easy lay’, in the sense that she is a bit naive and inexperienced (though not a virgin before she did me), but I’m happy I did it. I am still seeing her (and getting some useful practice) but don’t plan to keep seeing her for a long time. Even though she has a very nice body (shapely without being fat) I don’t consider her good enough overall.

There’s another girl I like more, so I plan to go after her. She is much more intelligent and more attractive, but like Random said, you need experience to get the more high-status women. You have to at least have an idea of yourself having been with a woman/girl, so you can use that experience as a reference point when you go after the ones you really want.

Johnny Jones December 2, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I don’t know if I qualify as an “older” male virgin, but I’m 22 and I’ve never had sex. Moreover I’ve never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl, and I’ve only been on a handful of dates.

I’m not waiting for marriage or anything, but I would like to have sex only with someone who I was dating exclusively. My failure to have sex is just an extension of my failure to get regular dates/a girlfriend. And the reason for that is just that unless I’m at work (a retail job), I never talk to strange women. The few dates I have been on were with women who pretty much started talking to me first and took the initiative. I guess I’m just scared of making unwanted advances and being assertive around women.

Looks wise, I’m fairly decent looking so I don’t think that’s a problem. However I do tend to look much older than I actually am. Often people mistakenly believe I’m in my 30s which tends to turn off younger women (who are actually in my age range) who think I’m too old for them, while older women aren’t interested because I still live with my parents (until I’m done with school) and it looks like I’m some kind of loser. I guess it’s those experiences that made me less confident around women over time.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able gather up enough confidence to start approaching girls and being more assertive around them. Some days I’m more optimistic, others extremely pessimistic. Some of this article makes a a lot of sense, other parts of it don’t apply to me but do sort of make sense. It was a very interesting read nonetheless. Sorry if this was long, but I guess I had a lot to say.

Stephen Waterstram December 4, 2010 at 11:43 am

I know for a fact that most guys in here that are still wondering about what it would be like to have your penis shiethed in a vagina because I was one of these guys I was jacking off alot but I didn’t have the internet then but I have been mothballed sexually so I’ve been quite the Peter Beater and I eventually stumbled onto this site http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OnaniaSupport/
Join if you like.

Edd February 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Nice blog, I disagree with your graph though. I don’t think it’s a linear relationship, probably an exponential relaxation curve is more accurate.

You can tell I’m a virgin ;)

Will February 25, 2011 at 7:00 am

25-year old virgin here. Just to set the record straight, I would only have sex in the context of a Godly marriage. I do tire of hearing the “There’s Someone For You Out There” cliche, because I have no control over that. You don’t control something that is predestined. I can’t even be certain if she’s even there or not to begin with. But for the sake of arguing that there is someone, then it has to be a certain girl at a certain time and certain place in my life. I really need to do nothing on my part to make it happen, because if it’s meant to happen, it WILL happen. It hasn’t happened back then and it’s not happening now. I am willing to pay the price of waiting. I’m sure as hell not going to hitch up with the wrong woman.

It took me several years to understand all of this. My old man would always tell me, “TOUGHEN UP!” whenever I would crack under pressure of something. I’ve had to roll with the punches when it came to social interaction. I’ve only dated 3 times and never had a established relationship. Many of the girls were even socially hostile. I was also in the military for 4 years, which has taught me a slew of sexual experiences. Finally, after so many trials, I am a fully mature(complete) man. I actually enjoy keeping my virginity 100% confidential, and would only tell others when it’s safe and secure, or if I trust them. Otherwise, any random girl would guess(haha, wrongly) that I’ve done the deed already. Basically, in everyday life I am a virgin but I don’t ACT like it. You can say that I have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” thing going on here. Granted, I’m not a dishonest person, but my goal is to keep people distracted from asking me or finding out.

With these things in check, I do realize that I have a font of great power. Average body physique, yet handsome appearance and decent intellect(these traits are observed from others, not just me saying this), has really helped with the smoke-and-mirrors setup. It’s even more powerful when you remain in control over your base desires. Because quite frankly, I used to be quite the horndog(back in my teens). The transcendence kicks in around 15-16, when I stopped viewing porn. I actually got tired of looking at the porn sites because it’s all the same stuff. Imagine that: I actually got bored from porn. I can’t really say that I’m proud of looking up porn in the first place though.

In the course of my life, I try to be the most considerate and understanding in these matters. I am not overly proud to just treat women like dirt, or condemn other guys for their differences. I truly respect and appreciate women for what they are. Their natural beauty is sufficient for me.

So this is my conclusion. For all male virgins out there, regardless of age, this is my advice before being in a good marriage.

1. Don’t be ignorant. Always be informed about sexual matters. This is oftentimes the downfall of male virgins. Know your stuff(heh, pun intended).
2. Be a REAL man. Follow the virtues, both old and new, of what manhood is characterized by. Work on those virtues as much as you can.
3. APPRECIATE women(but don’t be feminized). Understand that they exist for you gender-wise. You can do this without the porn. I recommend clothed models, regular art, or just observing the women in your real-life setting.

Sorry if this was a long post. I just wanted to share my own perspective. I hope it was worth something. Fare thee well!

mo April 16, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I’ve not read all the posts, but I think I probably lost my virginity at a later age than anyone else on here – 47. I thought it would never happen until I discovered internet dating. After a few false starts, I met someone who had also been a late life virgin – when she was in her 30′s, so I felt quite comfortable telling her – don’t think I would have liked to have bluffed my way through my first time. We’re not together now, but I’m eternally grateful to her.

33virgin April 22, 2011 at 4:56 am

I’m passing 32 years as a virgin, its doable under influence of THC.

DQ April 27, 2011 at 6:04 am

To the author and the posters, you guys are such lost cause. If life is all about getting laid , you guys really have issues.

Anon former virgin May 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

As one who lost it later than usual, I can say that involuntary virginity is a very negative aspect in one’s life. It’s not only painful, but most damaging to one’s self-confidence.

Now, I’m not addressing these remarks to the voluntarily celibate. If you’re turning down hot chicks who proposition you out of a strong ethical or religious commitment, that’s great. Just be aware that the involuntarily celibate outnumber you 10 to 1.

The root cause of late failure to lose virginity is a lack of baseline aggression. The steps involved in establishing a normal sexual relationship require that a man have a certain level of aggression. You’ve got to find a girl, chat her up, ask her out. When on the date, you’ve got to have the balls to risk rejection; you’ve got to hold her hand, kiss her, make out. When you get alone with her, you’ve got to get her bra and knickers off, be able to strip down yourself, and penetrate her vagina with your penis.

The thought of all this can be terrifying to a “nice guy,’ but if you want to get laid, you’ve got to just go for it. My tips:

1. “Just be yourself?” No, that’s what got you to age 25/30/35 or beyond without getting laid.

2. Read all the PUA stuff on the web. There’s some good advice to be found there, much better than anything that was available 15 years ago.

3. That really hot chick in biology class? She’s not the one you’re going to start with. First, you’ve already put her on a pedestal; second, you’re going to be much more inhibited around someone you see on a daily basis, or has a common circle of friends. No, you’re going to set your sights farther afield, bar girls, friends of friends, or the 5 from biology class who cozies up to you in lab. She’s sending a signal of receptiveness that you’re too dense to get. Next time it happens, invite her up to your apartment to “listen to records” (I know I’m dating myself now). Hint for you virgins: that 5 will look like a 7 or 8 when you’re in flagrante.

4. Women aren’t your friends. They are either former sex partners, current sex partners, potential sex partners, friends or relatives of potential sex partners, or lesbians. It’s obvious to say don’t put yourself in the friend zone, but you also need to remember that most guys who are in there, put themselves there.

5. Don’t worry too much about your looks; confidence and a good line of shit will get you farther. Still, you don’t want to push this principle past the breaking point, so do some time in the gym.

6. Don’t masturbate excessively.

7. Don’t feel embarrassed about escalating the level of physical contact. When you’re on a date, she expects you to make a move. IMHO, the toughest thing is the kiss. If she doesn’t want it, she’s not going to bite you, she’ll just turn away. As for going farther, the best advice I read was to brush or rub gently against her clothing over the desired area. If she likes it, that’s your signal to escalate. If she doesn’t, she’s (again) not going to bite you; likely, she’ll just move your hand gently away. Act cool, like it’s no big deal-perhaps you can close her later in the night, or on a the next date. You’ll probably have a good idea if she’s really not interested in you “like that,” or if you’re just moving a bit fast.

That’s all for now. Good luck, guys.

Anon former virgin May 3, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Oh, and one more thing…

You’re not under any obligation to tell her that you’re a virgin. It’s one time where ignorance really is bliss.

jtrueman May 14, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I noticed your graph regarding age and probability of losing one’s virginity. I can attest to it’s accuracy. At age 67 and long ago having given up any expectation of losing virginity, it something that grows not only less likely but easier with time.

I suppose when I turned 50 I concluded that it was a lifetime thing for me. A combination of upbringing, belief, circumstances and a number of events in my life all came together in my life. I’ve had my frustrations with this – goes without saying, but at this juncture I’m content with who I am. I have friends of both sexes, nieces and nephews that aren’t like having one’s own children, but they do help.

I suppose I’m a rarity but while I’ve held a woman’s hand, I’ve never felt a breast (much less anything else) except against my body when I hugged my sister.

James May 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Hi, my name is James. It is a pleasure being here. I am glad for having been permitted to be in the Dilemmas of Male Virgins. Well, yes, this is a dilemma for many and lots of people. I am a 35 years old, virgin gay male. I believe that there are few virgins that are very rare to find in the worldwide. How about the 144,000 virgin males? It may be 10 percent of virgin males in the worldwide and the rest who are not virgins may be 90 percentage of men who are married with wives, or may have had sex with many women before marriage.

587lb love machine June 13, 2011 at 6:28 am

I lost my virginity to another guy in High School.

Not Giving Up Yet June 16, 2011 at 10:24 pm

I stumbled upon this post when I googled “oldest male virgins”…for me, being a virgin started out as something that wasn’t that bad at first when I was 18, but as I got older it became a major source of frustration…as I stare down the barrel of turning 40 I have fought feelings of desperation. I almost would rather tell a woman that I’ve done time in jail than to tell them I’m still a virgin. But I find this article encouraging…while I have had girlfriends, I can certainly benefit from overhauling my game and learn to flirt a little more. I wholeheartedly agree with the idea of quitting porn… porn is something I’ve struggled with for years and only recently have I gained the upper hand. I get it that many folks are ok with porn, but I was the dude morphing pictures and writing stories and just carrying it way too far. The whole point of me staying a virgin was saving myself for marriage, and now I feel I’m getting back on track. With the noticeable trend of men fathering kids in their 40s and 50s, I feel there’s still hope for guys my age and older that haven’t become sexually active yet.

Thomas Trumps August 5, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I found this a typical, snide and disrespectful article on the virtues of celibacy.

False assumptions are that men have less to lose than women in sexual intercourse, the men lose just as much in terms of self-respect, loss of vitality, shame over using a woman selfishly, and so forth.

All Christians and people loyal to Gandhi’s principles have good reason not to have sex unless they have a mate to be committed to for life or for procreation.

There are many idealists who have spoken of the virtue of celebacy.

Bruce Kincade August 8, 2011 at 9:59 am

This thread is full of false assumptions and false guilt for a non- failure (not having sex).

On the porn angle, check out the no-porn site: http://www.no-porn.com/

When do we get to hear or see the other side of the sick porn culture, the “actors” with the high incidence rate of herpes and other viral diseases; the rampant drug abuse; the fact that most of those sucked into “acting” are doing so through poverty and survival and that they are pretty much destroying their value in the larger society.

The social, economic, psychological, and general health costs of sex outside of marriage are considerable; my guess is that over 50% of health costs can be tied to inappropriate sexual behavior.

gerd d. September 13, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I must say, this article is true.
I did everything wrong, am 32 years old and never even had a date or kissed a woman. and no, I´m not gay, I like woman… as much as I can.

and I gave it up already. I will stay a virgin forever because somehow I started to be afraid of letting someone close to me. as a result I even refuse it to go out on weekends and spend the whole time and even my vacations with my parents.

the doctors told me to move to a different town. I said that I will stay in my parents house forever. they need me.

usually silent September 27, 2011 at 5:09 am

For me virginity is one of those things usually forgotten about.
Not having sex probably started as a fear of humiliation and/or failure. Since the easiest way to deal with any fear is to avoid that which you’re afraid of then I guess it’s not surprising that it quickly became easy to rationalize, why try if you’re only going to fail.

The more time passed the more it became “obvious” that sex was never going to happen and therefore fantasy became the best sexual refuge (not really porn, more erotic stories). It really was too easy to convince myself, and justify that conviction, that no girl would find me attractive.

I don’t know if sexual intimacy will ever happen as the fear is still there and that has produced several trust issues, towards others as well as myself. Also, the self imposed safety gap is very wide. Circumstances now have given me reasons, or at least good excuses, not to change anything, but still there are times I do pondr the question, have I missed out on something?

As stated before, usually I never think about it, but sometimes I do wonder.

Tim50 October 15, 2011 at 1:27 am

I’m also an involuntary, 50-year-old, heterosexual, male virgin. I’ve only been on a few dates in my life, and those women were very quick to tell me what a “great guy” I was (not a good sign) and how “comfortable” they felt with me (a worse sign). My attempts at seduction are usually met with chuckles (“But Tim, I don’t see you that way!”) or they change the subject immediately. I don’t want to go to a prostitute, but I’m at a loss at this point. I’m in good shape, I have a great sense of humor (so I’m told by all the women who laugh at my quips), and I actually listen to women.

Two things I don’t have – good looks and money. As cliche as that sounds, those things matter. If I were a beautiful woman, why would I want a broke troll as a mate? Sense of humor? Forget it. Women claim that’s number one on their list of desireable traits in men. But as Gilbert Gottfried once said, “Oh yeah, a sense of humor. I see beautiful women every day crawling over Tom Selleck to get to Buddy Hackett!” (A little dated, but you get the point).

I’m actually in the process of writing a book on being a 50-year-old virgin (anonymously, of course; my real name is not Tim). I doubt I’ll make any money off it, or even get it published, but it will at least allow me to do a self-examination about why I’ve been such a failure with women despite my best efforts.

Tim50 October 15, 2011 at 1:35 am

Here’s a book I read when I was in my early 30′s. It shed a lot of light on what I already knew about being a nice guy, but nothing has changed in 15 years.

Martin October 21, 2011 at 9:33 am

The oldest virgin man should be at least the Pope!!!

JC October 30, 2011 at 12:01 am

I am a 41 year old virgin and there is not much, if anything, I can do about it. That said, I did not arrive at this dilemma without being pro-active. I just seem to have everything stacked against me. For example:

I was born with a very small penis (verging on ‘micropenis’). On the one occasion I nearly lost my virginity – at the age of 23 – my penis proved too small to go in and ‘stay’ in my girlfriend’s vagina.

For 20 years of my life I suffered from phimosis (non-retractable foreskin) as a result of severe childhood chicken-pox. To remedy this situation, at the age of 26, I approached a surgeon who specialised in ‘partial’ circumcision. On waking from the operation, however, I discovered that I’d been fully circumcised. Within 10 years I began to experience massive de-sensitisation of the penis. I now have very little feeling left down there. This blows away the claim that circumcision does NOT lead to de-sensitisation; it DOES!

For the last three to four years I have been impotent and given to masturbate with a flaccid penis most of the time.

Surprise, surprise, I am not married and I have no children. I have lived alone for most of my life and am EXTREMELY lonely and unhappy. I sometimes wonder if I am cursed… Would anyone care to shoot me?

Whosethat November 8, 2011 at 8:56 am

I’m a 25 year old virgin (26 soon) and I’ve never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. But then again I’ve never tried. I always told myself “what’s the point of even trying?”, because I was always a shy socially anxious person. I also thought that way I could avoid rejection and the misery that goes along with it. As a younger man I always had girls approaching me but I took this for granted and shunned most of them because I believed they weren’t good enough for me.

As well as being very shy and having low self esteem I also had a crippling dependency on porn. I started watching porn and masturbating at the tender age of 12. I always thought why put the work in when I can get my kicks easily by typing in a porn website URL. I also tricked myself into thinking that real sex can’t be much better than masturbation. It also turned me into a recluse and I started avoiding my friends and staying a home 24/7 by the age of 18.

As time goes on I realize that never approaching women was the wrong attitude to have as I’ve always had this deluded idea that I would somehow just end up in bed with a girl without the significant work rate that’s needed get woman into bed. I also always thought I could fall back on the “Well I’ve never tried to get a girlfriend” answer when I was asked about my luck with women . When questioned by a friend “Have you had any girlfriends recently?” I answered “No, I just don’t have the confidence.” He replied how do you expect to get a girlfriend if you stay at home all day”.

Just over a week ago I read the “Effects of Male Masturbation on Attracting Women” and while i knew this would probably not get me a woman, I knew it could get me some much needed confidence. I’ve abstained from masturbation for 12 days now, and I’ve realized that most of my low self esteem issues, were down to over-masturbating. Since I’ve started this journey of abstinence (I plan on going 3 months or wait for a woman to relieve me). I’ve noticed that I have a new found drive and self confidence and I just want to be out there socializing with every one. Now the thought of approaching a woman doesn’t seem so bad of course even though i’m highly inexperienced but that doesn’t bother. But I’ve got a newly found spring in my step and I can’t wait to get out there and meet new people quickly improve my social skills and jump into bed with the first woman that will have me. I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life come what may.

Mags November 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Holy crap, there are a lot of people with some serious issues commenting here. I recommend therapy to figure out exactly what’s getting in the way, especially for some of the people who posted some batshit-crazy sounding rants that, quite frankly, made them sound completely psycho. Good luck.

Big Dirty November 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm

I lost it at age 23. I grew up in an incredibly religious family and attended church/parochial high school and college, and dated a girl until the end of college who wanted to wait until we were married. I wanted to of course, and felt that her hang ups were based less in her beliefs than social standards and pressure from her parents. After we broke up after 6 years and only sleeping together once. I discovered that that I had held a bit of resentment for her, but this did not translate into the generalized malice towards women that is acutely obvious in reading some of these posts. I chalked it up to us having divergent views on some pretty important topics and after about 3 months of grief stricken solitude my love and fascination for women and the need for their company and conversation got me over my self pity resulting from the breakup. Back in the early 90′s we had no internet porn to really speak of, so the option of fulfilling my curiosity and desire for the opposite sex electronically did not exist. To my great suprise and delight I found that if I tried my best to get female attention it was pretty easy as long as I respected and valued women. After a rough start I was able to have a pretty satisfying late 20′s and so on with a couple of dry spells (happens to us all) until I got married a couple of years ago (I’m 40 now). Granted I had some natural advantages, I’m super tall and have good hair, and I had an older brother to coach me on some of the nuances of how to dress/act/interact, but I think the main key to my success despite a slow start was not blaming the girls. They can’t help what type of guy they’re attracted to any more than men can.

Also its not necessary to “dominate 95% of men out there” as one respondent said or be an Uber Alpha aside from just acting like an adult male and being able to take care of yourself. (paying for stuff for your dates is a must)

Bill November 27, 2011 at 11:55 am

@Mags, you are the one who needs therapy you idiot!

VirginMaryAxe December 10, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Hi guys (and girls),

About 19 and a half now, and i’m the only person i know in my area that hasn’t done a single thing with a girl, including the humble kiss.

Let’s for now say that for someone to be a proper friend (as opposed to someone you just know and like) you have to be comfortable hanging about with them just themselves. In this respect, i now have about one ‘proper’ friend – but that really doesn’t bother me now, it was undeniably my fault. Just setting the scene.
Anyway, this friend is, in direct contrast to me, arguably the most well known person in ze area – there’s hardly a day where he doesn’t know someone he passes on the street, and he’s got the personality to match – you know, really forward and outgoing, and so on.

So through this friend i know many, many people – the other kind of friend i mentioned, which i guess we’ll call ‘secondary friends.’ Course i only hang about with them through my main friend. Everyone following so far?
So all these people, for there be male and female involved, are the kind of people i will now describe – virtually every night spent out drinking, fucking, smoking weed, and so many variations of that. You know, like SUPER promiscuous, if i’m using that word right :P.

Right, so know that that’s all out of the way, i’ll move on with a quick history lesson. I was a big geek in elementary/primary school, got glasses, was essentially the bitch of the cool kids. Obviously while they started getting interested in girls/making out with them when they were 11 (final year of said school where i’m from) i did not. I was an uber-geek, but i was also normal, in the sense that i was just concerned with the normal shit – desperately trying to impress friends, not wanting to go to school – now 11yo-ness.

Anyway, into high school. Kept like one friend from the former, and fell in with two fellow geekettes, if you get my meaning – one pretty tall, one pretty small. I fell for the tall one. Turns out small one liked me at certain points, but i was uber-shy. Acceptable at the age, i think you’ll agree.

Second Year – started hanging out with another guy, a classic rock fanatic through his dad. For the first and last time, i went out with someone, the small girl (i should add that i’m like 5’4, so calling her small doesn’t mean as much as you think :P) – that lasted about a month, cause apart from texting each other about regular shit, i didn’t play me part – meaning, i did absolutely nothing i wouldn’t have if we were just friends. Still normal here!

Third Year – amicably stopped hanging about with tall girl, who hung about with, how can i say this, self-respecting geeks? Always on about shipping people, blogging, making fanvids, whatnot. I, on the other hand, merged with another group alongside rock guy, who became my best friend, and small girl. This group was essentially full of dicks, both male and female. I don’t mean in the physically imposing way – i mean that we all just gossiped, bitched, fucked over anyone and everyone, including each other, for amusement or to seem cool in the eyes of the others we weren’t fucking over. The ones that did it the most were also the most neurotic. Me and rock guy got it the worst – he was a bitch like me. I think that’s that…oh, i just started listening to music here – told you i was a geek! Well. not so much as i was at this point, meaning that i knew how to interact socially with saying geeky things. Plus the music was just the same pop crap the rest of the group listened to. Still normal here!

Fourth year – Basically a continuation of 3rd, but this is where things started to change. Oh, also while people had had relationships by now – probably some guys got laid as well, nobody i knew – i was still at my like 1st/2nd year stage of relationship experience – nada. Thanks to the newly-released Guitar Hero 3, one band caught my attention – Rage Against The Machine, so i became went off the pop and became obsessed with them over the course of the year, no other band. So anyway, rock guy dates another recently joined group member (that he’d actally dated before in second year, if you can call that dating), and who therefore wasn’t a dick/bitch/whatever. I’ll call her crazy girl, but that’s in no way to be interpreted negatively. She was cool, eccentric (basically like a depressed version of Phoebe from Friends) and i had a crush on her at some point as well. Probably got his first kisses in here as well, and i’m thinking that by this stage virtually had at least kissed someone, save me. So they split up later on, and through small girl, who by this stage was like crazy girl’s best friend and also a complete and utter bitch, giving up huge secrets to whoever she felt like to help along her little romantic fantasies – like me, she had done nothing by this point. So small girl told us all behind crazy girl’s back stuff crazy girl had confided in her – like how she was majorly depressed, self-harmed, and i think tried to kill herself once. So what did we all do? Take delight in this, and insult/demean her behind her back like all the time – as close as you can get without letting her know we’re doing it. As the biggest bitches, me and rock guy, desperate to prove ourselves, did it the worst. Eventually, small girl, shortly followed by everyone save me and rock guy, developed a conscience just as fourth year was ending, basically stopping the whole thing. All through fourth year, one of my subjects had been music, and one of the instruments i was ‘learning’ and had like no interest in, was the drums. As a result, i got an F. But weirdly – probably all that RATM – i promptly got interested in drums, and bought a kit in the summer. Turns out i’m a natural, and i taught myself the drums :P. Same summer, family saved up and we went to Rhodes. It was fucking amazing. Discovered Audioslave and took their first album with me, so it’s like a personal soundtrack. Plus Audioslave opened the floodgates, and i became a complete music lover.

5th year – shit continues to change. Me and rock guy stop hanging out with the dicks, and stop being ones. Rock guy becomes like most popular guy in the year, cause the majority of people were still virgins and fairly good-natured. Started talkin to tall girl again. Rock guy was still like my only ‘friend’. Speaking of music, guitar hero and GTA San Andreas introduced me to my first bands – Pearl Jam, bit of Slipknot, Helmet, more Nirvana (had always kinda listen to them, and Kurt Cobain is like a god to me). Plus at some point that year i discovered Smashing Pumpkins, which is by far my favourite band. Oh yeah, and fifth year was the first time i drank – you know, alcohol. Course, the second time i drank like 3 glasses straight vodka, which forced me off of another stronger than beer for years.
6th year – the final year, and the worst. Over the end of fifth year and the start of this one, i got supremely philosophical for some reason. This was the end of normality. Gone were the days of thinking about the normal shit. I realised that nothing can be taken as infallible – there could be any number of planes of existence outside our own, beyond our understanding, that control or have an effect on our own. There’s no way we can know everything. Things like religion, morality etc. are just human inventions.
Needless to say, this was the beginning of depression for me. My music interests continued to expand – Deftones joined SP near the top of my favourites (cause they’re so great :D) and i got countless other bands – oh, like SOAD. I was in a few bands as well, but nothing came of them – if you don’t like melodic metalcore, 80s speed/thrash metal or classic rock, you’re basically fucked where i’m from. Thanks to having just developed this philosophy, i was like emotionally crazed. Suddenly i was infatuated with small girl. Over 6th year she kinda liked me back weirdly – well, flirted with me when i did with her, but it was never anything more than that. So over 6th year, i was become increasingly crazier. Eventually, this flirty thing petered out. Unfortunately, cause i was so crazy, i chose to alienate myself from virtually i knew – for some reason, rock guy remained my friend. Words can’t explain how fucking depressed and suicidal i was that year. Oh, and rock guy got a new girlfriend and finally got laid with her. So now, most people had fucked. Virtually everyone had been in a relationship, and everyone had kissed someone. Thus began the COLOSSAL self-hate i feel even now. When everyone around you has done all this shit, and you, now 17, are still at the same stage you were at when you were 12 – it fucked me up.
So school ended. I’m a bit of a history nut as well as a geek, which doesn’t help my case, but i didn’t the grades i needed, so i went to another uni where you couldn’t do history, and took up Social Sciences instead. Obviously, being the massive neurotic and social introvert that 6th year made me, i can’t bear talking to strangers, being near/with them, or in a situation where i have to draw attention to myself – like presentations. So uni’s not so great.

Beginning to tire of this now. Anyways, in 6th year i started hanging about with who we’ll just call ‘friend’ – the super-social guy from the start of this exercise in catharsis. He’s a great guy, so through the second half of ’10 i met all the people he knew as i said. Course, as they’re all serial womanizers, with the occasional conflicted emo in their midst, i feel like a piece of shit. Which is where alcohol comes into the equation, because my social situation got so bad that know i can’t go out with Friend and these guys unless i’m pissed. Not that i’m complaining – if i could be permanently pissed, life would be amazing, cause everything just becomes really great, no matter what (i’m a really good drunk).

So now it’s almost the end of ’11, and i find myself in virtually the same position i was in last December – no job, no relationship or anything of the sort while everyone around me fucks and matures, while i stay the same, maybe even regessing but undeniably drinking more. Oh, and my friendship with rock guy kinda petered out as well – haven’t seen him since the start of september, and he’s ignored any phone calls i give him, which i take it means bye.

Thanks to drinking so much, my goddamn alcohol resistance has increased so now i need a fair bit of Vodka as well as a 6-pack of Becks, my beer of choice. Plus i’m out like every weekend with Friend, to that extent that even these guys are calling me an alcoholic. Anyway, just like last year, New Year’s is going to be terrible. As i’m not a big fan of myself or my life in general, the idea of having the clock reset and to endure another 365 days of shit before the process repeates itself yet again is pretty disheartening. But that’s what alochol’s for, i guess.
Anyway, absolutely massive rant over. Apologies for the extent of my writing – this tends to happen :P.
Comment, if you please. I’d like to hear opinions. Bye!

g December 11, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Being the 32 yr old V-card holder feels like slipping into the twilightzone. But also, getting a girl that I want feels like hoping for something almost impossible to happen at this point. I still hope it will for me. This kind of thing makes one question everything!

K January 2, 2012 at 2:28 am

Ok so it really sucks that so many virgin guys hate being virgins. Really loved hearing from “Boss”. I always wanted to be with only one guy for life and well, got lied to and told he was a virgin just to get married, have two kids and get cheated on…..yeah i would LOVE a virgin man who only ever wanted me. If more guys were confident and said “screw you” to all who put them down for lack of sex, it wouldn’t be so weird and maybe i would find that man……well, my thoughts are my own. You all can have your own too. Oh, and i think the guys that are so eager to jyst screw anything, virgin or not, are just repulsive and su h a turn off. And the idea of “conquoring a virgin” is equally repulsive…..but to love him forever and give him the best sex forever and learn eachother’s bodies so we can screw better than any porno…..ohhhh yeah, THAT is what’s up!! Xoxox

James January 5, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Hello again, I am James, ! I am a virgin. Also, I am not married with a woman nor with a man. I am married with the Lord Jesus Christ. I am honest. I am gay virgin male who blatantly decided to die as a virgin male and not marry with a woman nor with the same sex. Could you do me a favor? Can you gather for me virgin males support group here int his site? I want to be part of this group. I invite all guys to remain virgin males and suggest you to marry with me? I want 144,000 guys to be married with me. Please, I suggest you as a secret. Do not reveal it. I am just building my own virgin males movement. Thanks for your support. If you do not want. Fine. There are no obligations. I do not know what I am doing but it may seem sorta crazy. But, I have some desires. It is laughable. Okay. Big smile.

HU January 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

Ok, so I came to this site as I’ve just met the most amazing man who’s a complete geek and I know he’s a lot more sexually inexperienced than me (I think a virgin) and I wanted to be able to get an insight into how he may feel. I only got as far as Capital Letter Am and just thought, that’s not the man I know! Thankfully!

I am sexually experienced, get hit on by all sorts of guys, have had some really good looking boyfriends, some that I thought I liked because of their personalities more (although they weren’t superstuds they were still attractive to me, clearly) and having had all that experience, some great, some average, some bad, I have now met a wonderful man. I couldn’t care less what his sexual experience is, because I know how to please myself and I am unbelievably comfortable asking him to please me (though we haven’t had the ‘full’ experience yet). I can’t wait for him to have the confidence to ask me to please him and if it’s not hitting all the right places at first, why does that matter?

People, remember you’re not a package. You are not a commodity. You are something that somebody, somewhere, will find incredible, you just have to get through a few duds before you get to the right one. It’s the same for everyone, but you’ve got to accept it’s ok to fail and it’s ok not to be ‘perfect’ (which is different for everyone) and for anyone thinking porn’s a great way to ‘learn’, think again. Porn is not real sex. Porn isn’t even a decent anatomy lesson as most of the ‘actors’ have had some kind of implant, reduction, enhancement or half their body hair stripped off. And I’ve always been able to tell when a man watches too much porn and has tried the ‘handy tips’ he thinks it’s given him, it always looks good (it’s for the camera and voyeur, remember), but doesn’t very often feel good. So ask her what she wants, tell her what you want and ignore the b*llsh*t about ’10 ways to ultimate pleasure’ guides and just enjoy being with someone.

Oh, and you get that someone by being entirely yourself incidentally, not by trying too hard. It’s fine to be shy. It’s fine to lack confidence. It’s fine to be you. I know what you’re thinking, ‘She can talk, she finds this easy’. No-one finds this easy and the people that pretend to are normally just putting on a facade, which is as much of a turn off as anything else. So just go and talk to a woman, treat her with respect (seriously, what was with the earlier fat girl jokes you puerile moron?) and see what happens.

Stephen Waterstram January 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Rumour hasit that the Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is still undipped

Attractive34yearoldvirgin January 30, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I had very few chances to lose it, but they were actually on a plate when they came by.My issue was not wanting to approach, so the only way anything could happen was if it was offered on a plate. The few times it was offered, I turned it down out of pickiness. I reached the stage in my late 20′s where I was “happy” enough to settle for porn than go through any stress. I also was put off the thrill of real sex when I realised how crap it was with a condom, and that porn fantasy sex trumped safe sex everytime. I had sex once, but it was with an escort and with a condom. No pleasure at all. I come to the conclusion the only good sex is unprotected and oral sex, and you can only have that with a longterm partner. When you it mid30′s you start to see (real life) sexy women as wives and mothers, not sex objects, and you start thinking more about the one or ones out there, but again, when it comes to relieving urges I’d rather spring for the porn.

Stephen Waterstram January 30, 2012 at 10:22 pm

I disagree with those suggesting giving up the masturbation thing because it isn’t quitable if you’ve taken your virginity past 21. Most guys who’ve masturbated their teens away [such as myself] are bound to masturbate because it has been our most reliable sexual outlet. I live with a little guilt because I have this older cougar cuddle buddy I used to sleep with who I’m still friends with and I haven’t slept with her in quite a few years now. I feel bad for her because she hasn’t had sex in a while.
I could never “pie her in the face” with the confession about how often I play with my penis, most of the time to visuals of naked women that are oh so boobilicious. I keep my chronic issue in the closet with her and the ID Glide gets put away right after each session. I only feel comfortable telling people I don’t know about playing with myself.
My advice for an adult male who still has a penis yet unsheithed by vagina boost up your sessions with a good bottle of lube for those sessions and savor it in your hand with much fervor, its your penis!

fdkhattaab February 12, 2012 at 7:50 pm

well really informative

YuckFou February 18, 2012 at 7:56 pm

I hate elitist holidays like Valentines day as they single out people like myself who have no significant other in their lives and make me feel even worse. It’s no wonder so many people kill themselves around the holiday season. Nothing beats watching all the “lovebirds” in their self induced delerium galavanting blissfully through the park, holding hands, making out, etc, whilst simultaneously wanting to rip my own heart out so the damn thing would stop hurting.

The only reason I haven’t killed myself is that I believe that for 1, it’s a mortal sin, and for 2, only sissies give up. Suicide is a cheap way out and I won’t be a bitch like that. I would however not be dismayed if I were to be killed in a traffic accident or from some sort of disease. Due to my weight, I have already begun having periodic chest pains. If I’m lucky, my situation will finally be over soon. I would thank god for the end of this existance and I can only hope that the end is near.
Valentines’ day has the polarizing effect of dividing people into haves, and have-nots. For that reason alone, it should be abolished. No other holiday to my knowledge singles out 50% of the population and makes them feel bad about themselves. Any holiday that purposely makes people want to kill themselves should be stricken from the books as soon as possible.

As for spending the day feeling sorry for myself.. well I don’t have to put much effort into that. All the wonderful advertising and serendipitous people around me will do that for me
The only way to transcend the V club is to no longer be a member. Exit stage left. Even if my proverbial card got punched today, I think I’m still going to be a jaded and angry person for the rest of my life. 32 years wasted without knowing human affection (family does not count). I can’t get that time back even if every day from today going forward was a veritable plethora of pussy. Let’s segue into a discussion on the afterlife. If indeed such a thing exists (which I believe it does), I’m going to go to hell, no matter where I end up. North or south, it’s the same destination.. an endless eternity regretting my wasted life. When I die, I plan to ask God for a favor and let me cease to exist. That is the only possible end to this bullshit we call our lives that would be fitting and favorable. If he’s the kind of God he’s supposed to be, he’ll do me this one solid. It’s the least he can do.

wat March 7, 2012 at 7:16 pm

I love porn but it is a bit weird looking for videos of girls acting less like sex for pay actresses and more like girlfriends.

At 32 it is not so much the act I desire but what comes with it even in a casual relationship. I would love to simply get on with women as a man. Quitting cold turkey will certainly make me more motivated.

There is unfortunately some baggage associated with growing up in a broken family and being led to believe that the life of my suicidal mother was in my hands. To enjoy rather than suffer, as a man, the company of a woman not acting on infantile designs seems beyond my appointed milieu.

If it were just personal hangups this would have resolved itself. As things stand people have a very specific place for me and feel entitled to see me there. Feels like I’m stuck in High School. Even the girl who thinks the nerd is hawt is only going to work with him to get past his social lameness for so long and only go to certain lengths.

I know now that it is my RESPONSIBILITY to be a scoundrel. That hypothetical nerd may be such a keen target for bullies that the girl doesn’t even want to broach the subject of his social standing for fear of being seen as going against the party line but not taking advantage of an opportunity is demoralizing for him and ultimately insults the judgement and femininity of the girl.

What I imagine of the scene immediately after losing my virginity is laying on a stained mattress in a cheap hotel smoking and staring the ceiling while bitterly choking back the impulse to hate myself for damaging the lady’s reputation. But that beats the alternative.

Thank you. And thank God I found enough math and science on the internet to keep my hands busy.

Stanley Smith March 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

So, is it a problem to be a 19 year old male virgin?

Overthrow Sexual Supremicism March 19, 2012 at 8:54 am

The Sexual Elitists should be the one’s that have to answer for their illogical and misanthropic willingness to single out and condemn us male virgins, but they feel entitled to spew their bigotry and hate speech without guilt because the misandrist, hypocritical Western media gives them that license. This Sexual KKK, with their various hate-filled platitudes and slogans, are but a symptom of the larger rot that’s infested modern Western culture since before my time. While I’m not a believer in any religion, Christianity’s admonition against the “7 Deadly Sins” is highly useful for today’s secular society as a general blueprint for proper human interaction, that which is NOT enforced by the juvenile, backwoods mindset of the Sexual Nazis, supported by the fascist, class-dividing and community-destroying central banks and governments.

Equalizer May 6, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Did you ever think for a moment that this actually has more to do with women themselves then men? I mean look at the way women are these days, they have a self righteous entitlement mentality and believe their special simply because they are women and im not just talking about the attractive ones either but even the heavy chicks of 600 pounds think they deserve Brad Pitt or Leonardo Dicaprio and the average guy just can’t compare a guy who is willing to have sex with a woman regardless of what she looks like can’t have sex unless the woman wants it and many times even if he does if they didn’t like it they can just cry rape and be done with him. Look at the laws for children men have to pay exuberant amounts of child support even if the woman makes more in a single day then he does in a year and sometimes their forced to pay for children they didn’t even make.

JD May 7, 2012 at 4:32 pm

I cant lie dude. I think exactly how you used to think right now.

NotGivingUp June 4, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I’m not the oldest male virgin you’ve encountered (I read the post about the 50-year-old virgin), but I’m up there at 47.

I was very happy to find this blog post as most of my searches before this only found movie reviews of 40-ear-old Virgin. Not so happy to see the despair in some of the comments. I get in those moods definitely, where I feel like it would be better to just give up. But I don’t feel like giving up. I know what my body is telling me and at the very least I don’t want to go down without a fight!

I am at least going to try. I have so many areas of my life that need work. I’m getting exercise and I’ve lost 5 lbs since March and gained a fair amount of muscle. I deleted my porn and I’m going to try the 7 day challenge and see where that leads.

I actually came so close to losing it several years ago when I met this overweight, oversexed girl I thought was cute. But 1) she was too religious and flaked out on me and 2) I was so passive I turned her off.

Reasons for being a virgin at this age… Let’s just say I had some bad things happen when I was a kid and a very traumatic event in my life as an adult. Not that I was doing well on the dating front anyway, but it pretty much blew me out of the water.

Another problem is that I’ve spent most of my life in very conservative small towns in a career that has been kind of an adventure but never paid very well (newspaper journalism). And though I started out as a Bible thumper just like the others, I ended up a politically liberal atheist. People tell me I need to go to church to meet women. That’s how it’s done around here, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I would have to just flat out lie.

Anyway, now I have decided I don’t want to be a victim. I want a new life. I want to get laid, have a girlfriend, get a new career. I’m going to hit on some women and get told no a few times till it quits scaring me.

It would be too easy for me to just give up, but I’m not ready. I want some companionship. There’s bound to be some woman out there for me. I’m also not above one-night stands at this point if I can pull that off. The thought of paying for it always depressed me, but maybe I need to consider that as well.

Matt Savage June 4, 2012 at 11:47 pm


It’s refreshing to hear that you are still willing to keep trying and not give up, because frankly ever since I’ve published this I’ve gotten a fair amount of cynical men writing to me, playing the victim card, and essentially expressing their decision to give up.

I feel inclined to say that you’ll need a certain amount of purposeful selfishness, not in an arrogant way but in a self-love type of way. As cheesy as that may sound, I’ve discovered that once you start putting in consistent effort to get your life under control then all the other external stuff, including having sex with women will fall into place. It’s no doubt that it will require lots of effort, probably more so for you since it’ll be harder to break out of that asexual comfort zone that has existed for the last 47 years of your life. It may even require a complete overhall of your lifestyle, but man it’s worth it in the end and better than the alternative of stagnation. Best thing is to keep changing, keep improving, keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off…

I think quitting porn is definitely the first big step in the right direction, second would be exercising on a regular basis, not because you want to look good (though that is a side benefit) but because it makes you feel good.

Also, I’d say if you do get a chance for a one night stand then you should go for it. The reason being is that there is a lot less pressure if both people are hooking up with the intent of having a sexual fling than say two people having the intentions of a long term relationship, not to say that a fling couldn’t turn into a relationship… In addition, one night stands generally tend to be more of a spontaneous thing so there isn’t a whole lot of time to question yourself, build up anxiety and butterflies in your stomach, that sort of thing.

I really hope you stick at it and would love to hear how you progress down the road. We need some more inspirational stories around here!

NotGivingUp June 6, 2012 at 1:50 am

Thanks for the reply. I know this is not going to be easy, but I am determined. I wish I wasn’t starting so late, but here I am. It’s either keep fighting or give up and wait for death. I’m not in the mood for that.

Something I wonder if you might address: Creative/artistic guys.
Part of the reason I wound up in the fix I’m in is my creative nature. I grew up always drawing and scribbling. I was the very definition of a tortured artist type for much of my life. I got into journalism, which forced me to be social and I shifted my focus from art to writing. I haven’t drawn or painted in a long time, but essentially I’m still the “sensitive artist” at heart.

One problem I have trying to get my life together is that my goals are unfocused. They basically come down to something like, “I want to be creative and be surrounded by lots of creative people, artists and musicians, etc.” Basically, I love the bohemian concept. How I can turn that into a passion or a way to be successful I’m not sure.

I read some dating advice years ago that listed successful dating strategies. There were several variations on the alpha male thing and then one short paragraph on artists who can attract women who find them mysterious and want to understand them and said something like “but that isn’t very common and doesn’t work very well.” I was like, thanks a lot asshole! Any thoughts on that?


I’m still motivated and trying to do things that will set me up for success down the road. Things I have done this week so far:

1. Killed my Reddit account. I can still use things like the r/seduction and r/getmotivated, etc., but my main account where I was collecting karma points had to go. That was gaming behavior, which is dangerous for me.

2. Called and got cable TV cut off. I don’t even like what’s on, but I catch myself vegging out, watching Adam Richman eat sandwiches, etc. I don’t have time for that.

3. Updated my OK Cupid profile and sent three messages.

4. Answered two ads on Craigslist personals. One got an instant reply and is pretty obviously from a prostitute. I’d rather see what I can do with real girls before I jump on that. Looks like I need to be careful with Craigslist.

mathboss June 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I read all the comments. I definitely do not want to remain a virgin if I reach 30. I’m close to being 19 and the closest I’ve ever come to a female was being on the receiving end of a few hugs, and seeing one naked (not proud of what happened or how it did).

So, I’ve always been the quiet curve-setter and really fit as didn’t exactly come from the happiest family and I exercised and studied to distract myself. Guess it’s being cowardly, but I’ve just been unable to approach females–something a past comment said about the initial “baseline aggression” really struck me (learned a lot from my dad on how not to live)–and only did so once and got rejected (very kindly and we’re still awkward friends though I really thought she would be “the one”) and have been approached a few times by females. Unfortunately only 2 were close to my level (a “9″ or so) and I do think looks are very important and I really kicked myself afterwards but at the moment I was really obsessed over the person that rejected me…so the lesson is not to romanticize things too much. Though I don’t think I’d want a chubby person at all costs, just me.
Self-sabotage really sucks.

like NotGivingUp, I too spent a week on craigslist and responded to a few ads and placed my own and a “cougar” invited me within a few minutes to her house for that night itself. I got scared and made some excuse and decided to meet later and we exchanged more progressively X rated pictures (and to anyone wondering, the add I posted just got spam responses and gay guys :( and also a prostitute, so I agree in being very careful/not use it. ) and she actually looked better in person. When we were both undressed and just trying to be less awkward, I told her I was a virgin and she asked me if I really wanted to continue. For some reason I chickened out and I have mixed feelings-she was more attractive than

I guess I’m sort of sad that I can’t be like normal people and just go out and talk to females with the intention of trying to…and as time passes… (she was surprised that I had no experience) the graph has the right idea. I definitely know I can get laid using the power of the internet..and I’ve/am seriously considering it, but not sure if that’s the right idea. Aaaaahhh seems sad I need to use my body (and endowment) and not my personality getting laid this way so I think I’ll wait maybe a few years, get that Ivy League designer’s degree, and try being more comfortable with women. If not, Craigslist or something else for sure. I will never ever visit a prostitute. Ever.

As for the quitting porn part, I disagree. I’m a nerd. Yet I still spend a lot of time jogging outside and played a varsity sport most of high school, and continue staying fit (*sigh* I’ve made a few friends this way, nothing more, and of both genders) and Hell, less chance of prostate cancer. It’s possible to watch it in moderation and still not stay home all day.

NotGivingUp June 10, 2012 at 9:21 pm

@mathboss: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I so want to kick your ass right now. The things I could do if I still had a 19-year-old body… You have a chance at 18-19 year olds, something that you’ll regret not taking advantage of when you get older. You do not want to wind up like me and you will at the rate you’re going.

Re the porn… You’re totally missing the point. It’s not just about “leaving the house.” Of all the advice I’ve found on this blog, cutting out the porn was the best, and has had the most immediate effect.

Last night I had a date with a woman who was not what you would call hot. Yet I found myself getting hot for her. Why? Partly because I went a week without jacking it. I was also bolder than I’ve ever been on a date, putting my hands on her, putting my arm around her waist, rubbing her neck, etc.

Part of it was because I had all that pressure and wanted relief. It made me think of her as a woman instead of rating her appearance. Just putting my hands on her skin turned me on. Another reason is if you jack off too much, you will deplete your testosterone and come across with more feminine traits.

You say you could never do it with a chubby woman. That’s because you think highly of your looks and because you’re always seeing the most perfect looking women in porn. If you get horny enough, you will change your tune, and get practice and build confidence. Then if you still feel you can’t deal with her being overweight, you’ll at least have experience and have more confidence going after the ones you want.

Stop being a wussy and do what I should’ve done years ago. It’s your mindset that’s doing this to you. Read some articles on this blog, not just this one. I’m gonna by God do this, and you can to. You’re 19 for God’s sake.

NotGivingUp June 10, 2012 at 9:51 pm

@mathboss. Also… he didn’t say you can never masturbate. If you go a week and don’t get any, then go for it – without porn. Think about the girl you went out with and what you almost did and what you’re gonna do when you get the chance, or some other girl you want to get busy with. That’s how guys used to masturbate before the Internet.

Another thing… Don’t ever tell a woman you’re a virgin. Just go for it, try to make her feel good the best you can and learn from it. If you admit that, you’re not getting any, not even fat chicks will do it with you. It freaks them out for some reason. I found out the hard way.

mathboss June 10, 2012 at 11:04 pm

^Indeed, I was just going to watch some porn, but now I’ll forego it for a while. I promise. Read the other article on this about testosterone and no porn, but I do exercise a ton and all that testosterone inhibits the immune system not to sound like the skeptical one but I think the porn abstinence will be good. Eh, you’re kinda right about coming across as feminine (I’m slender/toned not a gym rat with super-big arms unlike many peers.) Dammit, the women in porn are pretty and romanticism is messed up but if just for confidence/practice, sure I’ll talk to some of the not hot ones. Speaking on which, I’m on my summer break and visiting a few fellow nerds/taking courses at uc berk and since I’m not in the east coast at the moment, I think/fervently hope I’ll not be such a “wussy” and take chances.

:( I assume it went poorly with the chubby girl. How far did you go? I still don’t know if I should have done it with the older lady (she was seriously taken out of a porno) but almost as old as my mother (42)…and I did admit I was a virgin which definitely after your advice I will not do. She did stop, but it just gets awkward..need to be less awkward.

Good luck in getting laid, and no I take no offense, just a wake-up call. Got to eliminate that cognitive dissonance the right way, you know :)

NotGivingUp June 11, 2012 at 12:16 am

Re coming across as feminine… That’s more about your attitude and whether you’re bold or not. If you’re confident that will come across as masculine.

Re my date. I would not say it went poorly at all. We were both turning each other on with the neck massages, walking with our arms around each others’ waists, etc. It could go somewhere in a couple of dates. If not I won’t sweat it. Just getting the courage to touch a woman and hold her hand, etc., was a huge step for me. Avoiding “hover hands” was a big problem for me.

Good luck. And btw, I don’t totally subscribe to the PUA lifestyle, trying to see how many babes you can get and how hot, etc., but the tips are very useful to me. I went through friend zone after friend zone before this and never understood why.

TheLoneliestNumber June 12, 2012 at 7:42 pm

@NotGivingUp: Your story serves to inspire, thank you for sharing it. It reminds me we have all had pain in our lives that can scar us and acutely affect our behavior.

I’m 34, and have suffered from moderate to severe social anxiety for most of my life. This anxiety has manifested in crippling self-conscious, obsessive thoughts that have become so ingrained in my way of thinking they are practically a reflex; so automatic and overwhelming they have become this pervasive general sense of inadequacy and self-loathing. As such I’ve never dated, kissed, or had any romantic physical contact with the opposite sex, despite a very high sex drive.

My story echoes that of this blog’s author: the older a man gets, the steeper the hill to climb becomes. As I age I can see the door ahead closing, and at the same time my footing is less stable, less apt to adapt to the changing terrain. To say going into the dating world is intimidating when you’re almost middle-aged but with the experience and awkwardness of someone in their early teens is the understatement of the century.

My fear at this point in my life is that any woman in my age range will run the opposite direction the moment they understand how deeply insecure and without confidence I am. Indeed, I’m certain I project this lack of confidence, advertising it with flashing neon lights (women are, after all, more perceptive of these things then men in general, and attracted to confidence above all, or so is my understanding). I can’t imagine getting far enough with a woman to even attempt intimacy on any level before they are repulsed or scared away.

Despite all of this (or perhaps in spite of it) I’m still trying to do what I can. Even with my extremely low self image I can safely say I’m of at least average attractiveness, though definitely have body image issues. Genetically I’m on the weak side and it’s very difficult for me to build muscle, but I’m determined to try as many training programs as I have to until I find one that works (I don’t want to be ripped, just toned and of a normal strength level). I eat very healthy, and practice yoga occasionally.

On the mental side, I’m on my second therapist in as many years, and hopeful his combination of hypnosis and EMDR will provide for a breakthrough eventually, but it’s been slow going. I’m also studying meditation in an attempt to improve my overall mood, become more centered, focused, and maybe even remove some of the fear that has immobilized me.

I’m considering internet dating, but find I keep putting it off until I can make some gains in the gym, and become just a little more centered and get my anxiety under control. I realize I just need to draw the line somewhere and go for it, but it’s terrifying to say the least.

Though it’s not just the lack of sexual experience that scares me (though it to cannot be understated), but rather not having had any type of romantic relationship at all that worries me the most. I fear I’ve missed a crucial stage in my emotional and interpersonal development, and this fear seems to be validated based on comments I’ve read from women on other internet dating forums on the subject of older virgins. Many women may not necessarily be turned off by older virgins (though many certainly are), but the lack of any relationship experience whatsoever would raise a big red flag for them. What woman my age has the patience to deal with this? They want a man, not an emotionally crippled child.

The masturbation tip is interesting, and one I’ve never heard before reading this blog. I’ll have to try adding this to my toolbox, however with my sex drive it will be very difficult. It’s only been in the last couple of years I’ve occasionally gone 2 or 3 days without doing it, and usually just because I’m busy. I’ll have to wean my self off somehow I suppose.

But anyway, sorry for my rant, that was way longer than I intended. Alas, to brood about missed opportunity is to fall into a downward spiral of despair, a trap that is so easy to get caught in over and over again. With each downward spiral I beat myself up even more, and my confidence sinks lower still. But I’m still clinging to a glimmer of hope, and keep trying to fight through the frustration, despair, and loneliness. I just hope it’s not too late for me after all.

NotGivingUp June 12, 2012 at 10:41 pm

@TheLoneliestNumber. Too much self-pity. Change your user name and your attitude. Read some articles on this site, not just this one, then do them. Go get lucky then report back.

mathboss June 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

@NotGivingUp, I’m glad that your date went fine. I screwed up at Berkeley and was able to just talk to a few girls but mostly asking for directions and stuff and didn’t get anything done. Did make a few friends so it wasn’t all the bad.

On the bright side….
I lost my virginity. I decided why not go with my last resort and posted a few more CL adds. Most of the responses were actually gay guys (yuck) and finally a girl my age (shy like me and also a runner) met up, ran for a bit, and then we went to a hotel and did it. She was a virgin too and I can’t wait to do it again but I sort of feel sad that it was painful for her, but hopefully it won’t be so next time ;)

As for porn, I’ll not watch that ever again.

I have SA too I think and I can’t really do “small talk” unless the woman is a fellow nerd/geek/whatever. The internet is wonderful because of the anonymity.

As for exercise, as a fellow ectomorph I don’t really gain well. I have small wrists and have recently had a minor stress fracture on my forearm curling. Yoga is great. Personally, even with small arms, I used a medicine ball+running intensive sports to get that “6 pack” and the abs are the fastest recovering muscles and tend to be the easiest for slow lanky muscle gainers. :) Less about gaining muscle and more about loosing the fat to show what’s below. I sort of accepted the fact that I can’t gain too much muscle and try to play to my strengths.

TheLoneliestNumber June 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

@mathboss: At only 19 and in good shape, you had very little to worry about, but congrats all the same. And you used CL seriously? Your SA must not be nearly as severe as mine if you had the courage to go this route. I know this method isn’t for me, but out of curiosity what did your add consist of?

In other news I’ve recently started the StrongLifts 5×5 program, which seems very promising but we’ll see. At 34, losing that extra fat (even for an ectomorph) has become very difficult as my metabolism has hit a brick wall, so without muscle development my days of being able to burn down the extra to reveal my 6-pack are long gone. But again I don’t want to be huge, just within the normal range in terms of strength (like being able to bench at least my body weight as opposed to a pathetic 120 lbs when I weigh 175).

I’ve been browsing the Love-Shy forum, picked up an interesting link on internet porn addiction which validates much of what this blog has already warned against, so kicking that is my next hurdle. I don’t want to get too caught up on that site however as though there is support and some good advice, you have to filter out a lot of bitterness, negativity, and anger towards women (but who can blame them really?). That tends to become a negative feedback-loop which is counterproductive, so I’m treading with caution.

Also joined several new Meetup.com groups as well, in the hopes of interacting with like-minded people (attended my first last night, and it went OK though I resorted to taking a benzo beforehand). It’s not much but a step in the right direction I suppose. I attended one meetup about 6 weeks ago which was a sort of support group for people with SA, and I actually had an opportunity to talk to a very cute shy girl, but chickened out because she’s only 23 so I assumed I would be creepy to her. I have to catch myself from beating myself up over it, push her out of my mind and not obsess over whether we might run into each other again. It would have been good practice at the least but I’ve got to learn from it and move on…

I’ve gotten back to my meditation routine, and hopefully my new therapist can start to make some progress with hypnosis and EMDR, but I’m keeping expectations realistic.

And so the uphill climb continues…

TheLoneliestNumber June 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

@NotGivingUp: I’m trying man, really I am. I don’t know how much you suffer from SA, but I’ve been actively trying to treat mine for years, and not to make excuses but it’s truly debilitating. I’ve got decades of negative programming to decode, so much so that my brain has become physically wired to think this way, but I’m doing what I can. I know my underlying self-esteem issues are at the heart of my love-shyness, so without treating this all the PUA-ish and dating advice in the world is only going to send me into a tailspin of more anxiety and self-loathing with every awkward failure.

To give you an example, last weekend I was at a party, and got way too drunk (not something I normally do, it just sort of happened). I found myself in a conversation with an attractive women, and even though we were both obviously very drunk, I could maintain a conversation for all of 5 minutes. Even in my drunken state, I froze with anxiety, and could think of nothing else to say. In a panic I excused myself to get another drink (wrong decision I know). When you can’t even have a simple conversation fueled by alcohol, there are obviously some deep-seeded issues at play.

But anyway, I have a new found sense of urgency, so I’m stepping on the accelerator. Just hope I don’t crash and burn.

NotGivingUp June 20, 2012 at 1:45 pm

@TheLoneliestNumber. You’re trying, which is good. Keep it up. You don’t want to give up like I did for so many years and end up this far behind.

And I’m serious, change your user name to something positive. You’re making it worse with your negative attitude. Come back next week with some kind of a “take charge” user name, tell us it’s you and tell us what you did to improve your situation.

What I did: bought some new clothes, went on a couple more dates. Nothing too exciting, but I’m determined. I don’t have much time and neither do you. You don’t want to wake up one day and find out you forgot to live.

@Mathboss. I’m also curious what you put in your CL ad. Did you straight up ask for a one-night stand or what? Are you and that girl going to see each other again? All I got was spam from someone who wanted me to “log in to look at their other pictures.” I think I might make another email account for Craigslist so they don’t get my main one….

mathboss June 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Well, I explored the internet to find out how to write good adds and read a bit about scams and stuff and how it’s important to meet in public. I’ll explain what I did. The main thing is hit men 4 women as opposed to casual encounters (though my first experience was through CE which I chickened out on) First, I created a random email address and then shot a few pictures (with clothes, nothing obscene). If you’re paranoid like me, then disable “geo-tagging” feature on your phone, partially obfuscate your face so you cannot be identified or tracked down, and post in a large city away from where you live.

I did not ask for a straight-up one night stand but asked for someone understanding and who can take charge. Then I did not mention I was a virgin, but just that I was “inexperienced” both in relationships and otherwise and hoping to change this with an on going friend, and finally added that this doesn’t have to be sexual and that it would be great if we could meet in public and eat some food (/other icebreakers in the add) and asked them to reply with their favorite meal in the subject (to identify spam). I got just 1 legitimate reply (and a few guys…which was annoying) and she replied with her phone number. So being wary, I created a google voice number and we started to text, exchanged a few different pictures, and eventually met in person. After her first midterm for the summer session, we’ll see each other again (In 2 weeks)

The amount of spam in my spam is too damn high.

NotGivingUp June 20, 2012 at 4:17 pm

@Mathboss. Sounds like a great strategy for you. At my age, who knows what that would lead to… Still might try it though. Did you say “inexperienced” or “need someone understanding” or some such in the title?

I have figured out I need to get another email address. Last attempt attracted a porn spammer. I didn’t really try hard enough tbh.

Good luck with the girl. Maybe it’ll grow into something more. To me this PUA stuff is just to get started. If a potential relationship comes your way and you want it, I say go for it.

mathboss June 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm

My title was “Looking for a unique teacher”

NotGivingUp June 22, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Ah so. At my age I don’t know if I could get away with that. The hookers and con artists would eat me alive, or try their darndest.

28yrOldGuy July 1, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Hello, I’m a straight man, I’m a virgin, I like women. I have an irrational fear of STD’s, cause they say condoms are not 100% effective against those. Even when I masturbate, I have to picture a “STD free” scenario before doing anything, like doctor role play fetichism or something. I think the only way I will ever get laid is by having a sheet from a doctors office saying: “Don’t worry, this woman blood type will not harm you and she does not have any type of sexually transmitted diseases, go ahead :) “. I know! it’s messed up, but I can’t help it, that’s the way I am, and feels good to let this out of my chest.

NotGivingUp July 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Update: Lost the V-card. Made a date off Craigslist and we had a pretty good time together. I had no trouble figuring out what to do. It amazes me that I had made it into something so complicated in my mind when it turned out to be easy. She’s a BBW, but I like her. We have some things in common. We’ll probably hook up more and who knows what else.

I still have a long way to go as far as learning the ins and outs of dating, but it was a huge relief to get this burden off my shoulders. Number one piece of advice: Delete your porn, practice going 7 days at a time without jacking it. Then you’ll find that a lot more choices are available to you. They don’t all have to look like porn stars. When you can look at a woman and see a woman, a person, things will work out a lot better.

@28yrOldGuy: How I beat my fear of STDs: 1)I realized the odds are really in your favor. You’re probably not going to get anything if you use a condom and have a little judgment. 2) All of life is a gamble. You have to take some risks if you want to be happy. Being celibate for so long has at times given me near-suicidal depression. I figured the chances of my dick falling off were way smaller than the risk that I might off myself if I continued to be isolated and never get laid, so I took a chance and I’m glad I did.

dddd July 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

Matt, tell everyone about YOUR dilemmas as a non-virgin!

J Scythe July 3, 2012 at 9:43 am

Nothing but alpha males posting the same nonsense just to maintain their monopoly on all the women who emotionally react with comments to the virgins with misguided sexism. As if raging against those who rage is really going to change either side’s mind. As someone who knows rejection among rejects, I can assure my brethren that most girls who have rejected them, and maybe a few who didn’t, were unworthy of even the affection of war criminals who forsake human rights, and that their public humiliation and rejection of you is more like the glory of the high school football champion. Once you realize this you will say, I desire a virtuous woman who is humble and loves others as individuals and extends friendship to anyone to whom it is due. A woman who feels the spark of physical attraction towards me as much as I feel it for her, no matter how society perceives her. And then you say to yourself, I wish to become someone worthy of such a virtuous woman, and I will work towards true humility and kindness towards any individual who requires it, standing up for them and breaking all the bones of their oppressors, not merely showing favor to the pretty girls who live only for themselves while openly mocking the shunned girls with weight problems and abusing the quiet loner guy whose seed of hatred you watered, who are rarely ordained to be your destruction. And if you seek with an open mind such a companion for your spirit, it will be sent from above, either in the form of meeting such a virtuous young lady or as a call to expose this depraved culture for what it is. I say, your past insecurities you shown to these women who despise you is as selfish and carnal as their manipulation and self-worship. But I say, there is nothing wrong with true humility, a disdain for materialism, and friendship to the meek. They will hate you and reject you still but by your hardships and overcoming them you will show them that such women (and men even) have complete free will in their treatment towards others and themselves.

Random July 11, 2012 at 1:14 am

I posted here about a year and 8 and a half months ago stating to be a 24 year old virgin. In between that time and now I went through a lot looking for the right girl to become my girlfriend. I finally found her now at the age of 26 and lost my virginity. It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my back. I realize now that is was mostly in my head and I was my own worst enemy most of the time blowing many opportunities out of irrational fears. Any guy should be able to attract a girl equal to him in looks if he has decent social skills and some confidence. It just takes initiative to make it happen.

The girl I found I met her on okcupid and it slowly developed from there. I’m glad I decided to do online dating as it’s easier to find someone you can connect with there as opposed to through friends or work where there are more limitations. I realize now that sex isn’t that big of a deal and to me having a relationship is more important, while sex is just bonus. I know now that a lot of girls struggle to find a guy to have a relationship with when the guys that are having sex just want to have flings. I hope this serves as some form of inspiration for others around my age that haven’t lost their V-Card. Best of luck to them and don’t give up.

HereGoes July 16, 2012 at 9:02 am

Formerly TheLoneliestNumber, I’m taking NotGivingUp’s advice and changing my handle to something more positive, or at least not negative — congrats BTW, if you can do it at your age it serves to inspire.

Not much to report on my end though, and I may not for some time. I’m still working through many issues in my life, mainly my crippling SA. I have doubts on my new therapist and his techniques, but I’ll keep with it for a little while longer before I try something else. As for my physical training, it’s unfortunately stalled due to an injury, but hopefully I’ll be back on the horse in a couple of weeks.

I’m currently focusing on meetups for the most part, now a member of several, and been to a few of them. I’m starting slow, not joining any dating-specific groups yet, just getting my feet wet and getting out there, trying to interact socially with people of similar interests and world views. While this may lead to something I suspect I’ll need to be more brazen and go for the dating groups if I really want to make something happen (or an actual dating site). So far every meetup event I’ve gone to has attracted an older crowd (even older than me), and even if I did find someone I may be overstepping my bounds or creep someone out who is not looking to date, causing future awkward interactions or avoidance.

While I have a new found sense of urgency I have to take it one step at a time or I’ll get overwhelmed. At the same time I’m getting old and it’s hard not to worry about that constantly. At my age I fear both basic social awkwardness as well as the physical side…it’s very hard not to dwell on how women close to my age will be scared away by me; their instincts on what constitutes a proper mate will kick in and I will be rejected out of hand. I know I have to prepare myself for rejection, it’s bound to happen multiple times, I just hope I can handle the pain.

@Random I feel the same way for the most part. While my sex drive is strong sometimes all I want is someone to hold, share my thoughts with etc. (as cheesy as that sounds). The depression of being along can be unbearable sometimes, but I’m still fighting through it, one day at a time.

TheScienceMan July 16, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Great posts, guys!

Especially NotGivingUp´s ones. (and mathboss, too, thanks for your input ) I´m 26 years old, I´m half deaf but I can speak normally, and I still have a V-Card. You´d say I´m good looking, slender, more of a runner´s body build, I´ve got somewhat of an aloof attitude, but cheerful at times . Reading those posts made me realize the wrongs in my life, which have lead me to my current predicament.

So now I´ve got a fair orientation to what to do, and the better thing is that it´s something tested, or more like a WIP ;)



Xan July 20, 2012 at 11:55 pm

31 year old virgin. Not much to say that I do not have the confidence needed to rid myself of this “curse.” I watch porn at a minimum. I blame severe shyness for it all, and I prefer to be alone. I know all about Shame, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, Gilmartin, PUAs, and all that. The truth is that women just never have shown me interest in life. I do not exude confidence and manliness. I’m not bitter at women; I just feel empty and nothing inside.

I go to work and try my best to push out of my head that I’ve missed the better part of my life. And yet, I go home alone every night and I do think about it all the time. The media (TV mostly) is a constant reminder, so I don’t bother to watch. I read lots of books and articles on the Internet.

All the help suggested asks of me things that are very hard to do. I can sit here and convince myself to go out that door and find someone; yet, the moment I step outside, the real world drives by.

Maturity and confidence are the keys to this. And I agree with the Catch 22 graph, the older I get the harder it is to get out of my situation. I must say one thing, life has not “flown” by. The endless depression and sadness makes every day 10 years.

I wish I had been born 200 years ago. No internet, none of these isolating bad hobbies.

It is a boon for most, but for me, I am the last man on Earth she didn’t want. Death is small comfort, I’d prefer to just forget I ever existed.

Michael July 22, 2012 at 10:45 am

Well i have to admit that this post (and whole site) is really helpful and gives you good advices which acually can make diffrence in your life. So thanks :) BTW sorry for my lame english

WRC July 30, 2012 at 10:39 am

I’m not a virgin, but at 32 I haven’t had sex for over 5 years. I bought into the Feminine Mystique and tried to see if there was and is someone out there for me. I wanted to find a partner and match… In turn, start a family and have children of my own even though I think a good portion of these kids are rat bastards.

Well, that never happened. After dating 200 some women and being judged by the opposite gender repeatedly, I don’t have the energy to commit to the chase right now. I had a good opportunity to go after this beautiful Spanish girl recently; but whoa, I guess I was more conked out than I thought and didn’t do anything about it.

I suspect a good portion of this sexless in the city phenomenon can be explained by unrealistic expectations and population adjustment by nature. Self-awareness and intelligence can serve as contradicting forces to Natural Selection since the modern Alpha Male has been redefined as game changers and revolutionaries – think Michael Jordan and Steve Jobs – as opposed to being someone with localized leadership ability.

Such being said… While I am somewhat at fault for my inability to get laid, the women I’ve dated should also understand they too sabotage themselves when it comes to finding the man they desire.

For instance, I thought I was seeing this girl. But turns out, she was adamantly attracted to tall men and everything went to Hell in a hand-basket. Could she have saved me some time, effort, and money by have had made this clear or flaking on me in the first place?

“Blame me for my flaws, but acknowledge yours when you so obviously have them too.”

Anyhow, I’ve decided to take a break from the chase and build up my strength and endurance. While sex is something I want awfully right now, I won’t allow it to dictate the course of my life and train of my thinking… Who I am.

Craig August 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I am 28 years old and I still have a penis and testicles, yet I have never actually had sexual intercourse with anyone. I like the opposite sex, so much so that I used to express my fascination with their looks in weird ways. Since I had faced a lot of rejection from the opposite sex when I was younger, I did face a number of confidence issues and my main habit dealing with them is social abstinence. Really, though, that only works for so long before you start to notice that you are going out of your mind.

I think I got better when I when I managed to get into college, since over there it was possible to escape to a library or something and not have to deal with anyone. When I got into the working world, I felt a lot of times like I had to hide that weak part of myself, and I could hide it pretty well. But the confidence thing kept getting to me.

I’m conflicted about marriage and relationships with women because I always felt that my finances would never get better and that it was meaningless to even chase women, after having been so used to them turning me down. I’m not an unattractive guy and can easily become athletic, but when it comes to dealing with women, I try to avoid them. I don’t know if that’s cowardice, lol, but at the same time I know that things can get really unpredictable with women. It makes it hard to feel at ease for too long.

I have to admit something else, too. I’d say that I was average for penis size, but I think that I’m over that kind of self-consciousness now.

HereGoes August 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

@ Xan, I totally feel your pain. Shyness is indeed a curse, and for those who have not experienced extreme social phobia it’s endlessly frustrating to listen to some people’s condescending “advice” on the matter when they can’t possibly empathize with your situation. PUA techniques are a joke for men like you and I; we must treat the root cause of our disorder before we can even think about such behavior.

And you’re right it isn’t easy. And the longer you go feeling defeated and hopeless often times the harder it becomes to get up and go. For me I finally reached a breaking point, a sort of crossroads where I figured I could either wither up and die frustrated and lonely or attempt to take charge and do something about it.

So I started therapy, and while I had to change therapists my first shrink at least got me on the path to start meditation and join some social groups. The social groups thing is a good piece of advice Matt has provided on this site; meetup.com is a good place to start to find like-minded people who share interests and hobbies, and you may even find a social anxiety support group in your area if you’re lucky.

Progress remains slow but I think I’m still moving forward, though there are times it seems I take one step forward and two steps back, I fight to crawl my way back again, in the hopes I will make a breakthrough.

I hope you can find the will to keep fighting. Remember you are not alone, and people like us can and do get better. I’m rooting for ya man.

Random August 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

@HereGoes You’ll realize that sex isn’t as great as it is made out to be and overrated once you actually have it and realize it doesn’t compare to the porn you’ve been watching for years. However having a connection with someone you love and having sex with them is much more meaningful and powerful at least for me.

I’ve also suffered from extreme social phobia especially when I was younger and it plagued me from many opportunities that I won’t be able to get back. I outgrew it through experiences in life that forced me to overcome it, but it still lingered in me and I was unable to to conquer it yet. It wasn’t until I started meditating almost daily and practiced this for several years that I noticed changes in how my brain reacted to certain stimuli. I became less reactive as a result and more calm in situations that used to make me shut down in fear. I was then able to overcome the mental barriers that were holding me back from taking the necessary steps to lose my virginity. Once I finally lost it I realized that the battle was really all in my head.

hiii111 September 12, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I only dislike you said it’s bad to be yourself to get laid or get a girlfriend, what then? act like somebody you’re not? just to cover up what a Failure you really are and then Pretend to be someone else? ..That’s just going to make you lose even more Self-Esteem by pretending to be someone else or get way too much Self-Esteem for stupid reasons like “i fucked a girl! i got some i’m Right and Good now!”

How sad, and I mean it, that is Low, Desperate and Sad,

I’m sorry.

What a pathetic loser.

Matt Savage September 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

While I should have probably clarified that section better, what I meant by it was not to pretend to be someone else but rather improve on your current self as opposed to sticking with the status quo which clearly isn’t working.

Don’t just be yourself, be your best self. Keep the things that you know are working and discard the things that aren’t.

hiii111 September 12, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Matt, I apologize for having called you a pathetic loser and I was wrong about you and Thought you were one of those assholes who pretended to be someone else then fucks a lady and walks away from her like a Worthless object and or a trophie, I take what I said back and i like you better now, my opinion on you now remains Neutral instead of Negative.

I’m almost always Neutral about too many things anyways, i am also terrible at not being myself.


hiii111 September 12, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Oh yeah, to Contribute; I’m also a Virgin, but I don’t really know about Sex, i’m a bit of an Introverted Loner and am 19 years old in Denmark, Sex may be too Tense, i don’t think as much about it as it seems most others around me does, which I like, yup, i’ve never had a real Releationship with a Guy or Girl and I feel very fine about that, i guess i never felt a huge need for anyone, but only few Loyal Friends.

I guess I should put that in here, i mean all I did was to be Negative then Neutral without getting to the Point.

HereGoes September 13, 2012 at 3:22 pm

@Random of course on an intellectual level I know it’s all in my head, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Social anxiety is a learned behavior that develops over years of negative and self-defeating thought patterns – often the result of traumatic events in early childhood – and in my case these patterns have become the default by which I navigate the world. Like any phobia this is not rational, but unfortunately simply being aware of this doesn’t easily translate to any meaningful change in behavior. The plasticity of the mind causes these patterns to become well-worn grooves that take great effort to circumvent, but it is this same plasticity that can allow us to forge new pathways and re-learn these self-destructive beliefs. It will take time and likely a lot of awkward and painful moments to overcome, but alas that is my lot in life. It’s an uphill climb to be sure, and there are many dark days where I feel hopeless and find myself fighting back the tears, but I haven’t given up yet.

I’m happy meditation has helped you, and it gives me a little more hope the same can happen for me. As for sex being over-rated, yeah I get that as much as a virgin can I suppose. I think we’re on the same page in that sex would be a bonus to something more meaningful. Mostly I long for an intimate connection with someone, and to be able to go about my daily life with some semblance of confidence.

Hindu_Hammer September 28, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Dear Mr. Savage,

Thanks very much for your post!! I am currently a recently turned 27-year old virgin.

Your post gave me hope for alot of reasons- You lost your v-card at the age I currently am; You articulated many of my feelings, re: the age/difficulty getting laid curve, the self-help/PUA community, and so forth

I am commenting to share a bit of my story as I see so many people have shared their intimate details.

I had self-image/esteem issues as a kid, had traumatic childhood (who doesnt), developed an eating disorder at 14, and basically went between being thin/good-looking to being obese/don’t-make-eye-contact-with-the-blimp (weight cycling) for several years.

I am good-looking/handsome, intelligent, upper-middle class, funny and have had some cool experiences.

I confessed my virginity to one of my friends at age 23 from college, his only advice was to read ‘the game.’

So I did, and I inhaled that information. Unfortunately, since age 17/18 I got progressively more addicted to substances. First, alcohol. Then marijuana. Finally adderall. Afterall, adderall makes your horny (able to approach) AND increases my metabolism and ability to exercise — miracle drug, right? WRONG lol.

Anyway, I got a job at a family member’s company and never had to face my clear drug/self-image issues until about 9 months ago when I took a new job and got fired after 1 month.

I looked at myself in the mirror and was a very overweight (280 lbs, 5’9″) man, no job, no savings, addicted to alcohol, marijuana, ambien, and adderall (amphetamines) — the virginity being both a cause and effect here.

Anyway, while in the PUA community for a few years, I did have some interesting experiences — making out at bars with literally countless girls, many of them fricking hot!!

The issue, I think, was the inner game/mental issues. But I don’t know because I was an addict who masturbated very frequently and had anger issues.

So I went to rehab in the beginning of this year, and by the grace of God I am still sober nearly 9 months later! I belong to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anon. and have lost about 35+ lbs thanks to a combination of a.) atkins/low-carb/paleo diet, b.) my addictive nature/personality and exercising 2 hours a day everyday and c.) self-hate and disgust with my overweight, unappealing body and virginity.

Still, I am relatively young ADULT man at age 27; I work a $hi**y job in retail, going to community college to take pre-med classes (yes I’m ambitious), working on personal development and so forth.

Interesting thing though, once I sobered up, I gained some weight due to depression and did masturbate at least once a week.

Came across a girl in one of my classes who asked me to be her lab partner (I look like the smart guy) — I became so enamored with her so very quickly, and told my therapist about her and my feelings and my inadequate feelings at being a virgin — and reawakened my efforts to GET LAID.

It is my goal to get laid by at least 50 women before I get married (thanks franco), and to have many sexual relationships with many beautiful women.

Thanks to your post I realize this is possible, and in fact probable; I have gotten back into the PUA community (but not in the mentally disturbed/porno way as before), I am reading about NLP, self-love, abundance, physical escalation, approach anxiety and so forth; and I am exercising/dieting to look and feel good and attractive; and BIGGEST — I am not masturbating anymore until I get play.

In the last 10 days since I first read your post, my interest and hard work in this regard has paid off already. I am reading more about pick-up, about being OK with myself, envisioning how I am going to get laid (asking my older, female friends if they would do me a big favor :) ), and putting myself in more social situations, and being more social with friends. This is what I call a multi-pronged approach.

I just wanted to give you thanks and to give everyone else out there hope and perhaps a little roadmap for how to get there, though I am, of course, not there yet. I feel it coming on the horizon.

Something I now realize is that NOTHING in this world comes for free (yes, some lucky dudes always get laid or rich or whatever), but for most of us, nothing comes for free; we have to WORK to get anything; there are no easy answers (drugs, alcohol, porno, food); and to look for inspiration (hot girl from my class who is my inspiration to get in shape and get laid — not to lay her, but to lay girls like her in the future).

Thanks again Mr. Savage, and I hope you read my comment and I will update you for sure WHEN I lost my v-card in the near future.

All the best to you and my late virgin brothers out there.


Random October 14, 2012 at 1:07 am

@HereGoes I agree, rationally social anxiety makes zero sense, but it’s happening at an instinctual level and it can be very difficult to fight such basic instincts that cause more harm than good. I’m glad you understand it intellectually and you realize that it cannot be fought intellectually, but only by changing your instincts. Remember that the plasticity of the mind enables the mind to change just as it enables it to stay stagnant. Meditate and learn to retrain your brain to be less fearful socially. I`m not saying you will turn into a social butterfly quickly, but you will slowly crawl out of your shell and that`s a big step for someone with social anxiety. I am glad I inspired you in some way and I know you are capable of doing this because I was able to lose it and at times I did not think it was possible with my high levels of social anxiety. I think you should try online dating as it works well for someone suffering from social anxiety. Online interaction can be a lot less anxiety inducing and thus enable you to make the transition to meeting someone less strenuous. Good luck and post in this blog if you do happen to lose your V card!

DD November 28, 2012 at 7:50 am

You men are stupid! You always will be stupid for the rest of your lives! Hey Matt, how does it feel when someone slut-shaming you?

Mike56 December 31, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I’m 57 and still a virgin. Many factors led to this place. At this point my libido is so low, I don’t think I could ever get aroused enough to perform. I’ve lost insterest in women completely.
I noticed in jr. high girls didn’t seem to like me much. I was average looking, and I didn’t have looks or clothes that would arouse anyone. At 20 I developed ulcerative colitis, and that really ate up my 20s. I’ve had 5 dates in my life, and none were really fun. Last date was 11 yrs. ago. I just withdrew and quite from the dating game. I missed my dating curve teens and 20s due to illness and lack of money. I got my first car and solid job in my 30s. By then most of my date prospects were already gone. The online dating of today didn’t exist in the 70s and 80s. I never really learned the skill set of dating, and starting at 35 I was already old. I never could close the gap. Porn did fill the need for years in terms of a sexual release, but today it’s dull and old. I only feel bad now because I know I had issues I simply didn’t address earlier in life. Had I done so, I might have found a partner, married, and so on. I just never found anyone interested in me. Women for over 40 yrs. seem either horrified or repelled by me. I have a nice net worth, I retired early due to illness, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. However, to date this late in life is not worth the effort now since I won’t get married. People don’t select partners my age for marriage anywhere. The prospect pool I have to deal with are widows, divorcees, and grandmothers. All of them have relationship and sexual skills I lack. They are not going to spend time tutoring me in those areas. My only comforting thought is knowing not all of us are called to marriage. Some of us just won’t get sex in this life. It’s not a tragedy, it just happens. My sister told me long ago I might have dodged a bullet. I’ve handled lots of divorce cases as a paralegal, and women in America are tough and demanding.
My brother told me I would miss some things by not being married, but I might not miss as much as I think. For me it’s game over, and while I admit it’s tough to wrap up my golden years being a virgin–I know I didn’t break a woman’s heart, didn’t create kids I didn’t love, or add more kids to the welfare rolls, or deal with infidelity, divorce, or child support as so many other men must–I’d say I did okay. You can’t have it all, if what you do have leaves you with peace of mind, you did okay. When high school ends, you will know how you rate with the opposite sex. If you rate high, you get laid, if you don’t you will have a real tough battle ahead of you. I knew even in my teens I would never succeed with women sexually.
Every effort I made to find a relationship failed. After 40 yrs. it’s time to stop. I feel relieved and glad to be able to walk away in one piece.

bluevase January 22, 2013 at 3:48 pm

There are some interesting comments posted here that are applicable to all virgins.
It is true to say that the older you become the less likely you are to lose your virginity as shown on the graph. The law of diminishing returns is applicable here. The opportunities to lose you virginity are higher when you are young and virginity is regarded as a liability, however the time clock is ticking away and these opportunities become fewer. If you are still a virgin at 40 then time is running out fast and opportunities become scarce. When you reach 50 the clocks stops ticking and life long virginity becomes a reality, this is when virginity can become an asset. As a 53 year old male virgin the probability is that I will never lose my virginity and become a life long virgin. This can be regarded as an asset as you become a member of an exclusive club with very few members.

Shyguy March 8, 2013 at 12:30 am

Hi, I’m a 43 year old love-shy. I consider myself a poster child for the love-shy male as described by Gilmartin. If ever there was a love-shy, I’m The One.

I remember having strong sexual feelings for the female form at a very young age. I don’t know how young I was, but it started during my earliest memories of life. I remember dry humping bed sheets and pillows not long after the diaper stage, at a time when the female image was something that seemed mysterious, almost surreal. I don’t think there was a time in my life when I didn’t have a crush on a girl, whether it be a classmate, co-worker, neighbor, or celebrity figure. My earliest crushes were on cartoon characters, for pity sakes. But I could never approach the object of my affection, she always seemed above me, distant and unattainable.

One of my earliest memories was watching the Flintstones and becoming enraged when Betty and Wilma would belittle Barney and Fred, always getting the upper hand in the battles of the sexes. I got so mad I remember pulling my hair and pounding the floor with my fists. I think on some level I resented females and their power over men. It has been said love and hate are two horns on the same goat.

My parents divorced when I was 5, and I still remember my mom crying in the background and my feelings of sadness and powerlessness at that time. My mom had to work as a single mother, and I would get get mad and cry when she had to leave for work. Eventually I would stay with many baby sitters and had several bad experiences involving physical and emotional abuse. One that I remember vividly was an incident with an older women who beat me while screaming at me to repent in Jesus’s name.

Once I discovered masturbation, I did it regularly, often several times a day. I’ve always had a high sex drive, and that combined with severe love-shyness is a special kind of torture I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I never dated in high school or college, and always kept to myself, feeling uncomfortable and nervous around people. I retreated into academics, books and fantasy games. I felt like an outcast nerd that nobody liked. I started having severe acne in my early teen years and that combined with braces totally shot any small amount of confidence I had. I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what is was. I told myself I was just shy and introverted.

My dad is the complete opposite of me, a confident alpha male, both taller and better looking. He has said to have slept with hundreds of women. He passed away last year, or was it the year before, I don’t remember. As you might imagine, I harbored some resentment toward him. He was never really there for me, and despite being a psychiatrist he never figured out what was wrong with me, I had to discover that on my own.

I applied to medical school after college. I wanted to become a psychiatrist like my dad, and I think at least subconsciously I thought that would get me the female attention I craved, as well as help me figure out my own problems. Despite having good grades I wasn’t accepted into medical school, probably because I had little work experience and was still very shy and socially awkward. I took a few years off to work odd jobs and then applied to pharmacy school after my dad suggested it. I had no trouble getting in and earned a Doctor of Pharmacy degree after 4 years. My class size was over 100 students and 80% female, many of them attractive. I never had a date or even a kiss during that time. When I graduated I was around 28 and still an unkissed virgin. None of this was by choice, I was always too shy to even ask a girl out on a date.

It was during pharmacy school that the seeds were planted for me to discover what my primary problem was. I learned about drugs used to treat a condition called social anxiety disorder. I had an inkling that my problems were due to that mental disorder. But I think I was still in denial, and I was definitely too embarrassed to admit to anyone that I was too shy to even ask a girl out on a date. My family just assumed I wasn’t interested in girls or wanted to be alone. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I practiced pharmacy for 13 years, saving my my money and then retired at the age of 42. In my early thirties I became more depressed since I hated my job, had no friends and no social life, and of course never had a girlfriend or a single kiss or hug. Then I remembered social anxiety (SA) that I read about in school and began researching on the internet. A light bulb went off in my head and I knew immediately that I had SA, probably since I was 9 years old. I also downloaded a book by Gilmarten about love-shyness. I was amazed that Gilmartin described my condition to a “T”, he was talking about me! These realizations, while somewhat relieving at first, turned into worsening depression as I ruminated on my past. They say SA is an illness of “lost opportunities”, and I would trade my soul to live my life again without it.

Although I knew I had SA and it is severe enough that I can’t smile or say “Hello” to strangers, avoid social functions, etc., I never sought professional help. I honestly don’t know how I made it through pharmacy school or practiced retail pharmacy for 13 years with the SA that I have. It was all very stressful for me.

Eventually I was able to get a few dates using a host of online dating services. This resulted in my first kiss at the age of 38. I literally sent hundreds of emails and would only get about a 1% response rate. In other words, if I sent 100 emails I might get 1 reply. I made sure to mention I was a pharmacist on my profile. I’m an average looking guy (slender build), and the few that responded would usually bail after seeing my pic. I still get depressed thinking about rejections from women I didn’t even know. I tried for 3 years and got 3 dates. The first two didn’t progress beyond the first date. I married the third girl I dated out of desperation, depression and loneliness. She was an obvious gold digger, but I didn’t care at the time, I just wanted someone, anyone who wanted me.

Fast forward to now. I don’t have much feeling for my wife, we haven’t had sex in over a year. I suspect she will try to file for divorce and use that as a reason. I really don’t care, except I’m afraid of losing half my nest egg that I painfully acquired working in the pharmacy hell hole (I used to joke that you can know what hell is like before you get there, try working in a retail pharmacy).

My status right now is I’m just waiting to die. I feel like my life is already over. I’m a 43 year old man who still masturbates to internet porn and wishes he were dating 20 year old girls. It’s an aspect of life I never experienced and never will. You can’t turn back the clock. Maybe I will find peace in death.

Mr. Saddick March 18, 2013 at 12:37 am

I was a virgin until I was 27. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was ready for sex, and actually looking for female sex partners when I was twelve years old. At that time the rejection I received by the 14, 15, and 16 year old crowd of women made me slide into a depression. By the time I was 14, I was obese… and by then the Junior high slut click, who were held back several grade levels (a whole group of them), they were about 17. These retarded b*tc*es were pumping all my friends but they wouldn’t have sex with me because I was the Goodyear Blimp. When I was 15, I got drunk with some friends, out of sympathy for me, some sluts let me watch while they screwed my bestfriend (14) and they ridiculed me for being a fat horny F*ck for actually watching. When I was sixteen I started to hate women because I was rejected on a weekly basis…. not even a Mercy F**k came my way. When I was 23, I attempted suicide… It didn’t happen, so I learned to deal with the necessary evil of beating myself off three to five times a day. Later on in life, when I was 27, I was going to go down to Mexico so I could have my balls cut off. I wanted to be castrated, so I wouldn’t need to feel horny again. I hated life and women. In the doctors office there was a nurses assistant who overheard my story with the lead physician who was going to make a second appointment to proceed with the surgery… she somehow managed to meet me in the parking lot on my way back downstairs, she begged me not to go forward with my castration… She wanted me to cancel the appointment, I ended up crying like a baby in her arms… “I just want the rejection to stop”…. “I just wanted the pain to stop” I told her I must go forward with the appointment because there is no hope for me. I told her I was tired of wanting what I cannot have.. I felt “used up” by rejection. She asked me into her car, we drove to a run down motel in Nogales, Mexico. On the way up to the room, she said “don’t say a word or I will change my mind about this” I didn’t say a damn thing. Into the room, as soon as the door closed, she mentioned that she was married but not happy in her relationship. She had a slender figure with a noticeable bust. She was very conservatively dressed (non-revealing). She told me kneel at the end of the bed, she grabbed a rosary out of her purse and said quick payer in Spanish. When she stood up, she immediately started undressing. I was shaking like a leaf and nervous as hell. She told me to relax because she was going to stay the full night with me until the morning. She told her husband over the cell phone, she was working a double shift. I must of had sex with her 5 times… but in the morning it was finished. I was a new man. I never made that appointment. She told me to promise her to loose weight, remember the moments we had to together, and move on in my life… I did. My opinion is this: Sex – when your ready to have it and want it – whatever the age – you should find it even if you have to pay for it… and if you cant find it or pay for it, a loving father should facilitate his son labido… I feel like… if my Dad really cared about me, he would have paid-off some high-school football jock to supply and recruit some high-school sluts for me. There were plenty cheerleaders who wanted easy money and were known around to selling “there time”. I know what you’re thinking twelve is too young… I can tell you, I didn’t have the look or build of your average twelve year old… I looked 15 and I was jerking off 5 times a day. Often spending hours hogging up the bathroom… just me and the Montgomery Ward Catalog, Lingerie Section. My Dad should have known that I was going through changes. I just felt he could have done something, to make sure I didn’t feel ashamed or rejected about my sexuality, and certainly having some jock to recruit sluts to have sex with me (approaching women directly is dangerous), could have been something he could have done for me. Anyways… My 27th year was the year that I lost my virginity…. I survived a suicide attempt and castration attempt by a lovely Mexican woman.

Pete March 18, 2013 at 10:08 pm

Well I am going to be soon 37 years old virgin. I tried a bunch of online dating sites, matchmaking service for years and nothing came out of it. I would say that love/romance/sex – all of it is over for me. Girls just don’t like me for whatever reason. They all want me to be a totally different type of person and me being geeky/nerdy/quiet I guess they just don’t find any of that attractive.

jack sullivan March 29, 2013 at 1:22 am

i am close to 50 years old. still a virgin. dont care either. have not been on a date since 1988. have not asked a woman out since 1989. i dont think i am missing anything

Whoa Nelly! April 2, 2013 at 12:47 pm

Yah, 30 year old virgin here. I have to say the article makes good points but a lot of the comments here are rather disappointing. Now I’m not necessarily advocating all the more vulgar rants expressed by some V-folks on here, but I do believe one of the main components fueling the stigma revolve around the normalization of the hyper-masculine ideal, some of which is garbed in terms of ‘confidence.’ Frankly all this wing man salesmanship stuff really gets in my craw, maybe that’s my own ‘rationalized’ bias getting in the way, but whatever. Sure, we virgins need to take responsibility for our situation and make strides to improve self-worth and make achievements ( via therapy most likey etc.) but I also think society should be held responsible for perpetuating this misguided stigma. There really does need to be a place for virgins, ‘real’ venues of support and congregation, void of prejudice, knee-jerk stereotyping and vapid western-culture centered dating tips. LGBT and asexuals have legitimate support, why not virgins?

I mean some of the comments here and in other venues makes it sound like virginity is on the same level as pedophilia, it’s ridiculous.

I’m not taking a poor-me stance here, but I think I have a right to be angry. I think I have the right to take ownership of myself and say ‘Yes, I’m a virgin and I don’t think I should be viewed as a lesser person for that.’ Of course, the reality is people are still going to judge you for it, it’s just how people have been conditioned (ah, the beauty of mass programming, courtesy of NWO and its various psychopathic factions)

Well, screw it. I’m going to keep being who I am regardless of the burden. And these intolerant, robotic peeps can mouth off all they want, but that doesn’t make them any happier or wiser.

There is more to life. I have good friends, I got beautiful places to take hikes and reflect, I have art.

And all these folks saying you aren’t really ‘living’ unless you are having sex, aren’t doing a good job thinking outside the box. Diversity: the spice of life.

And last I checked, I’m still breathing.

PB April 17, 2013 at 6:03 am

I came onto this website to understand why my new boyfriend, who is the most amazing wonderful man in the world, is a virgin at 34. He is super hot and the most caring person I have ever met.
However, after reading some of the comments on here I wanted to leave you guys with a message – most women don’t care about your looks, or about how much money you make (as long as you aren’t a homeless bum it doesn’t matter), or how many women you have slept with, or how good you are in bed etc. The key to getting a girlfriend/getting laid is to make the woman you are talking to feel good about herself. We want the same thing that you do – to feel connected to another human being and not feel so alone. If you remember this then next time you would like to approach a woman, focus more on trying to make her feel at ease and less about how nervous you are. Sincerity, kindness and confidence are key. No one wants to be with someone who obviously doesn’t love himself. To all of you who have given up – give yourselves a good kick up the butt and get back on the horse, just adjust your attitude :)

alex April 21, 2013 at 10:03 am

I’m 27. I have a past with severe bullying. I was the loser of the school. I was never able to get a normal social life. There were no opportunities for me to go out. I had no friends and I still don’t have any friends.

This is all that I have to say. It should be extremely obvious why I’m a virgin at my age.

dogo May 7, 2013 at 1:33 pm

There is not much I can add. My story is similar to many others on this web site. I am 41 years old and never even had a date (not to mention sex). At least I succeeded job wise, being now a professor at a good research university and also being quite well off financially. It was just 2 days ago that a girl at a party told me that I was attractive and she asked me about my private life.
It was so funny seeing her at the end realizing how poor my situation was when she asked me “Don’t you like sex?” and I explained her that it’s difficult to miss something you don’t know…
At my age of course there is not much I could do. I missed the boat a long time ago.

Moe May 17, 2013 at 6:39 pm

“Be yourself “= worst idea ever?
Thats just bullshit, why do i have to change my true personality for a vagina ?no offence to women but i would rather die a virgin(no porn or masterbation either) with diginity atleast. Heck ill even turn gay if i have to.i say be who you are and whatever your comfortable with,and hopefully youll find the one.plus when you think about it, lets say you “werent your self” on a date with a gurl your tryna be with,when you have a long term relashtionship and you by accident “are yourself” she gona notice that u were faking ur self fhe whole time,which is not a quality for a man women would wana be with.

Timothy Wade June 9, 2013 at 3:41 pm

I am a 36 year old male virgin and feel like I am a failure because I just didn’t try. I let my fear of being rejected because of who I am completely consume me. I am so afraid that I just don’t have what it takes to be a sexual being and to make a woman happy. No matter how much education I get or the job I have, no woman will like me because they have to deal with who I am. I don’t want to live loveless, but if I go on, that is what the future will be. I am so terrified of changing myself that I don’t know how to change. Anxiety has consumed me. It’s no body’s fault but mine. I feel like the merciful way out is to die now. My misery is my only company. My friends deserve someone a hell of a lot better than I. I have been a poor legacy. I have to end the family name. Suicide will be liberation. I will not live so I can grow old, useless, and experience love but cannot physically express it. I want ideas as to how I can kill myself. It will be done when I turn 40.

jack sullivan June 11, 2013 at 1:28 am

hey tim wade there is no shame in being single. i am older than you and still a virgin. i dont care. you should not either. killing yourself over virginity is flat out stupid

NotGivingUp June 11, 2013 at 6:46 am

OK. I hate to be harsh, but I have to say something. Consider this tough love.

I made a post about my older male virgin situation a while back. I was 47. I am now 48 and guess what? I have a girlfriend. We have sex at least three times a week. Turns out I’m pretty good at it. Why did it happen? Because I tried.

All these comments I see from guys younger than I am who have given up and are saying “woe is me” are irritating because they remind me of how I used to be. At some point I decided I wasn’t satisfied with my life and I changed a few things.

I became more assertive. I quit looking at porn and did “seven day challenges” where I wouldn’t jack off till at least the weekend. Being horny is a great motivator. I used an online dating site and went on a bunch of dates. Ultimately I found my girlfriend on Craigslist. We were both looking to hook up, but we had enough in common it turned out to be more. We’ve been together almost a year.

Our first night, I didn’t tell her I was a virgin and things went well. I told her “It’s been a while” when she asked. She figured it out a bit later, but by then it didn’t matter. Now, things are pretty easy. We both want it and we both get it. I’ve gotten used to the whole world of sex – dealing with periods, lubrication, condoms, etc. The big emotional barrier that sex presented before seems like a dream to me now.

Would I have preferred to lose my V-card in my teens like other guys? Maybe. I would’ve had relationships, had a different life. But it happened when it happened. I’m alive now and I’m happy. I like sex and I love my girlfriend. Just got a new job that I like also.


If I could in my late 40s and I’m satisfied with my life, then you can too. Make an effort and quit complaining. Making women feel sorry for you isn’t going to work. Be a man. Act like one. If you’re gonna give up, stop complaining.

CalmAlarm June 11, 2013 at 2:25 pm

Holy shit NotGivingUp, that’s motivational. Like you said, i’m one of those people wallowing in self-pity etc etc., but i am constantly fighting an internal battle with myself to get out there and actually try. My 21st birthday’s only a week away, so there’s not much chance of my getting laid before that, but here’s hoping that thanks to your comment, i can lose my virginity before i reach 22 :)

NotGivingUp June 12, 2013 at 8:15 pm

@CalmAlarm. Good luck. I didn’t think so when I was 21, but you’re a mere babe in the woods. You’ve got time on your side. Make it count. And don’t forget to be assertive. Women don’t like when you beg and cater to them and do everything they want. I found that out the hard way. (Don’t cross over into asshole though. Women are people too.)

Control Freaks Bullied My Faith! June 13, 2013 at 1:32 am

The “link” my name is, will bring you to the message I’ve – repeatedly, gained when using phone lines/dating sites: “no match found”…

This is – only, my 2nd time responding within a blog. I clicked a “link” to THIS one, after reading similar blog/responses on another effort from “TheModernSavage”. I am a 47 year old – female, virgin.

I work – full-time, in factory & I am not afraid to tell my status – and have, if only to prevent men assuming, and women accusing.

No matter where I find myself, visiting church – or a place to dance, females make it there business to find a reason to suspect my presence has something to do with keeping them from a man’s attention.

My history keeps men protective of me ( I have quite a few “father figures” & “big brothers” my mother had nothing to do with.) – yet, many of them don’t mind toying with the immature/insecure female by flirting with me – publicly & quietly.

My story would sound identical to many of the responses – here. My rant has been – privately, spoken within the walls of my lonely addresses…until I made myself tired of my sorrow…yet, the rants I’ve read – here, sound like me…at times…

I’ve missed my chance to debate with any of you – by years, and months, and days…yet, (for years) my voice ads – & the ad I have on “The Stranger” web site, has worded my wait for a man who shares my status.

A man who is content to maintain virginity – as much as being in love with the idea of learning enough about a – mutual, virgin female he is compatible with.

A man who will – patiently, spend time knowing enough to – slowly, enjoy each other’s goal/individuality/talent.

During the late 1980s, I saw my 18th-21st birthdays as a challenge to – continue, avoiding the mistakes – and regrets, the elders of my earliest life imposed fears of.

Maintaining virginity was part spite – to prove myself capable of being the unlikely “good girl” bred by misbehavior, and part determination to EARN a man’s trust enough to enjoy marriage and motherhood as a mutual reward with a man who had watched me – and loved me, and provided a place for us to BE.

A few challenges I faced were created by women manipulating male & female reaction to an individual.

The excuse the “authority female” (baby-sitter; church elder; foster guardian; older peer/relative; employer) would give me – privately, implied a need to “protect” – yet, to others she speculated (based on home life, & behavioral scandal among relatives) my potential to be a problem – or a shame, to another family.

I won’t go into the “soap opera” drama & violence my relatives – and community, allowed me to experience & witness – as I learned other perspective from.

I have learned to be aware of how easy it is to be manipulated by “control freaks” who blackmail individuals (from child-adult) who are willing to please – if only to keep the peace, into assisting in keeping some of us from “losing control”. Only to realize how they envy us…our pure hearts and minds…and how – easily, we take the blame for THEIR discomfort with US.

Stories of circumstances & situations designed to keep us afraid to learn how to live our lives based on our individual natures and understandings…The aspects of ourselves SO OBVIOUSLY PERCEPTIVE & STRONG, we were a threat to the sexual elite because – without being old enough to screw up, we proved ourselves most likely to succeed in relating.

So – of course, there can’t be too many of us meeting each other – and (gasp!) MULTIPLYING!…So, we had to be crippled – and kept from knowing how – powerfully, attractive and verily we are…then, meeting – and mating.

Death has been mentioned – and embraced, within many of the posts – here, and with those words, I hear myself – crying…Remembering the context of human lives, and religious stories distorted to deliver me into a prison of fear so secure I am the only one who can get me out!

I wish I could tell “The Modern Savage” how thankful I am about being closer to communicating with a man who would understand my pain & suffering…then – mutually, guide each other away from it, and heal…together.

Between the desire to avoid fatherhood and marriage – from my father, and the regret of giving birth to me (- after adopting religion) from my mother, and the church speaking of being born in sin – and shaped in iniquity, and “the sin shall follow into the next generation” there was no hope of bringing joy to a man – or my children!

Then – on secular side, boys & girls (1st; 2nd & 6th grades) challenged my character and conduct until my mother took me from public school following my first effort to end being a bully’s punching bag…only to be bullied by my mother – and her youngest, at home.

Of course, I endured all of it – to prove myself “Christ-like” and willing to suffer, & earn my place in heaven…Heaven is US! (I love the communion of comfort among men – here!…Each of you is a beauty I held in my dream…)

No one wants to see that “turn the other cheek” doesn’t mean to let someone hit you again!

No one wants to acknowledge Jesus was a fighter who – physically, whipped people for disrespecting space meant for spiritual cleansing, and healing!

No one dares to point out that Jesus had to be beaten & chained by a mob with weapons before anyone whipped him!

We have been isolated by people who have abused the only way we have to feel rewarded – and welcome.

I was amazed by the education exchanged – here!

I found my hidden pleasure when I was 4 years old, and I was told NOT to touch myself there…I learned – in recent years, of masturbation becoming a comfort to a child in distress…I enjoy embracing my inner child! I am – only, external with my pleasure – yet, the space a man should occupy cries for him.

There is a response – above, listing all that I have – successfully, avoided…and – from the perspective of an – unintentional, “nun” (a vow of chastity was said within a silent prayer, yet, I didn’t realize it – then…) I take comfort in being a success at doing nothing a man – or woman, can complain about.

Mitch June 13, 2013 at 10:47 am

@CalmAlarm, as I mentioned on comments to other columns in this blog, I was 21 when I lost my virginity. When I turned 21, I thought my chances of it happening that year were about as high as my chances of winning the lottery. How did *it* happen? I did something different. I got off my lonely, lazy arse and went to a singles event. The rest is history.

“NotGivingUp” is right. Not just about losing your virginity, but about life in general. Just because you have reached a certain age and haven’t done something yet, doesn’t mean you won’t – whether it is losing your virginity, writing a book, or earning a college degree. NEVER say “never”. Yes, you are YOUNG. Go for it!!!!

An Older Female Virgin Responding June 13, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Wow…I enjoy this…I am the same one listed as “ControlFreaksBulliedMyFaith” – 06/13/2013…I need to respond to “Capital Letter Am”…

He may never see this, because his rant is dated 10/19/2008 – more than 4 years ago…yet, other responses have been similar, so, it seems a motivation to respond.

The following was taken from a response from Capital Letter Am:

“Personally, I know why I’m a V, I’m not an attractive-looking person, and that’s two-fold. I look like an Ape (sorta like Patrick Ewing) and I have that perceived “mixed-race” look (I’m 100% hispanic, but the mix of my hair with my lighter skin color…nobody really likes to mate with that. Folks like people who look like them. If you can’t be categorized, no one wants to deal with “that”).”

I am a 47 year old female virgin who has – like, so many 20 – & 30 somethings, stayed in touch with my frustrations…yet, I can’t always tolerate the grief I put myself through.

My response covers my reaction to “Spooty Rabinowitz” from 7/30/2010…

On the ONE hand I want to say, “HOW DARE YOU?!” with all the rage implied by being offended because excuses like “being unattractive” can be hurtful to other than the self-loathing individual speaking.

If I could debate with “C.L.A.”, I would let him know of my caribbean blood/ethnicity not appreciating his assessment of ugly ONE BIT. Patrick Ewing does not look like an ape, and my Jamaican great-grandmother would prefer “C.L.A.”‘s “mixed-looking pale to the darkness my father – and Patrick Ewing, is…Same goes for “Spooty Rabinowitz”…You are not explaining why no one likes you, you are ranting about why YOU won’t tolerate anyone learning about you enough to be with you – intimately.

Patrick Ewing is attractive – to ME, and I have no interest in a man’s money or net worth. Yet, I am related to women who prefer to make babies for men who are like “C.L.A.” & “S.R.” – so, I am tempted to think neither of you would appreciate anyone’s attention – let alone love.

Once a person is convinced to loath themselves, any/everyone willing to see them from another perspective is – instantly, suspect.

Time would be wasted on testing the person’s sincerity, and questioning motive…I know, my relatives took me through it – then, boys-men dragged me through that waste of energy.

It becomes a mockery to witness testimonials based on “NoBody Loves ME!”, when each – and every, time someone proves an interest to the contrary, the accusations and suspicions build such a gaping hole between the whiner and the comforter, there is no point in making an effort.

The story of “The Ugly Duckling” taught me one of my favorite lessons…Swans are ugly – in the eyes of a duck.

Every human shares physical features passed onto them from various parts of a group of people.

When you are ready to find a mate, visit enough groups of people to expose yourself to those who will look at you in different ways…On the other hand, remember to present yourself well – not angry; not dirty; not distracted; not sick – or desperate…Sometimes, the reaction you get from others comes from evidence that you are not ready to entertain – or socialize…or mate…

If that person reacting to you – negatively, isn’t equipped to take on your baggage, you will not get the chance to be appealing.

An Older Female Virgin Responding June 13, 2013 at 8:32 pm

So…I have a “David Letterman”/TOP TEN list of…


#10. We were too young to understand what Rock Hudson died of – yet, too afraid to catch it!

#9. We were told “The “down for whatever” crew – does NOT include you!”

#8. By the time we were “of age” to party, everyone who knew how to have a “good time” was dead of an overdose!

#7. The only people having sex were people who knew how to have sex!

#6. We are allergic to everything that allows sex to happen in the 1st place!

#5. When the IDEA of being a 40 year old virgin was a rumor, was were depressed – now, the movie is a joke because we are SO beyond that, now!

#4. All the bitches & bullies we were tormented by, have given us COUNTLESS reasons to NEVER regret maintaining virginity!

#3. We have too much fun watching people who bragged about the sex they can get, ducking – and hiding, from the “o.p.p.” (OtherPeople’s(PARTNERS)Property) they steal it from!

#2. Not having “that person” – or, “people” from the past pretending to befriend THE INTENDED in an effort to break us up with lies & stories!


The chance to enjoy what's left of this life with someone who will KNOW how to talk us out of our blues, & show us a companionship NO ONE ELSE CAN – THEN, when we are – mutually, ready for it…grant us the sexual reward we have lived our lives to collect! WOOOO-HOOOO!…HA-HA-HA!

That was fun!

OlderFemaleVirgin/47, w/a song... June 16, 2013 at 1:36 am

After noticing a frequent “Nobody likes me!”, & “No one finds me attractive!” speculation among those who express themselves on each of Matt’s blogs for older/male virgins, I thought I would share an example of how I apply a “Weird Al Yankovic” (unsure of spelling) approach to a song.

I have been – similarly, speculative about being qualified – in the eyes of men who could choose me, and women who could “match make” or refer me, to attract a man.

So, to cheer myself, I substitute lyrics of a song.

In THIS case, I hope to be forgiven by EnVogue for borrowing the fast-paced portion of “Never Gonna Get It” – following a man’s voice saying: “Now, it’s time for a (or the) break-down…”

A man will never give it – never give it to ME…because of “the crazy” in my family…Now, I seem so foreign to people wherever I be, a man will never give it – never give it! (repeat until I am cheered, and weary…)

OlderFemaleVirgin - 47, responding June 19, 2013 at 12:05 pm

I hope my entries are not offensive…

I – simply, put thoughts – here, and on the other blog from “TheModernSavage”, because I have seen – in recent years, more communication from men I may be able to identify with.

At THAT time, I didn’t respond because the dates were years earlier – as THIS, and the other blog is…yet, if I do this, and someone searches – and sees it, I may be closer to fulfilling a dream…if only to communicate for the purpose of clarity.

Some men seem content to be without a partner, while some men seem to think women – like me, don’t exist.

There are those who want me to think older male virgins don’t exist.

If I find one, I should expect he is not interested in a female – or sex.

Nature has kept me interested in sharing my life with a man – and my menstrual cycle has existed long enough for me to have GREAT-grand-chilren…so, there HAS to be a man – somewhere, who would be appropriate for me.

I am reading as much as I can about dating and mating.

I have begun reading “Fifty Shades Of Grey”, and it makes me cry, and HOPE to WANT to maintain my virginity forever – based on how much the story-teller implies I may need to endure – from a man…a RICH man…a man who may be DELUSIONAL enough to see me as a natural submissive who would “ENJOY” being torn from an endeavor to fulfill my dreams of romance, and pleasure…Laughter is – also, an aphrodisiac…

I may be allowing myself traumatized by a paperback novel – at the age of 47!…Holy smoke!…I need to update my TOP TEN reasons A.A.R.P. will be populated by virgins.

Dilemmas Of Female Virgin - 47, June 24, 2013 at 7:21 pm

o.k., I have finished reading two of the three books in the “FiftyShades” trilogy, and have decided NOT to be traumatized.

Apparently, the heathen novel is more of a tutorial…On the one hand, I may never know the pleasure of complete physical intimacy with a virgin male because of the implied scenarios generated by presumed humans who fear the success of such…On the other hand, I may be energized by the comfort of knowing I may have maintained all the tools needed to wait where a compatible virgin male will notice my desire for him – and availability to be his wife – and mother (or “Big Sister”) a collection of unwanted pregnancies growing toward the hopelessness of what seems to be the future.

My dilemma continues to be NOT knowing where to wait – you know, like, for a bus…If I don’t find the bus stop, the vehicle capable of transport to my destination will not allow me to reach it – you know?

So, I post responses here – then, I check for a bus – I mean, a response to my response…

See, as I have no schedule of when a male virgin will respond, I wait…

While I’m waiting, I look to keep myself busy with an updated list of:


#10. Sharing restrooms with sexually active humans can be depressing!

#9. Learning how many sexually active humans lie about how GOOD sex is keeps interest – and temptation, low!

#8. Novels like BOOK ONE of the “FiftyShades” trilogy turns sex into the gateway to jail!

#7. All the drunk junkies we had – for parents, slowed our mental capacity to the point of delaying our sexual maturity – and peak, until we aged to 55!

#6. All the smoking parents disabled our ability to breathe when we were young, and by the time we learned which commonwealth – or community – or country, we could breathe clean air in (after spending our reproductive years connected to oxygen), we were the age of 55!

#5. When we were young, there was no mental health professional qualified to recognize the COMMON SENSE approach to NOT being sexually active when surrounded by self destructive idiots, so, we had to educate ourselves while dodging the S.T.D.&I. prone.
By the time we had our degrees, we were the age of 55!

#4. Most of the sexually active idiots – our age, are dead and disabled, so, by the time the next generation of virgins are old enough to consent – we are 55 years old!

#3. There isn’t enough love for virgins who are content to substitute sex for getting – and staying, out of debt; talking and travel; cleaning and repairing living space; paying for neglected medical needs and creating healthy diet and exercise plans!

#2. Because so many of us were rejected when we were young, we are on a vengeful mission to become the healthiest; sexiest; strongest; youngest looking group of A.A.R.P. members – ever!

…drum roll for:


Who – else, will host – and honor, the annual “HOTTEST VIRGIN AFTER MENOPAUSE AND MID LIFE CRISIS” award ceremonies recipients, huh?

woo-hoo! So much too look forward to – yet, no one to share the good times.

Shyguy June 24, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Anyone else understand a word of the previous “female virgin” posts? Because I sure don’t.

Dilemmas Of Female Virgin - 47, June 24, 2013 at 8:20 pm

@Shyguy…What NOT to understand?…

Dilemmas Of Female Virgin - 47, June 24, 2013 at 8:35 pm

wow, “Shyguy” inspired another reason A.A.R.P. will be populated by virgins: not being understood.

The post – dated in March 8th, 2013, from “ShyGuy” expressed so much of what I went through – only, I was told to wait for the male to approach, so, while shy males were infatuated with females they were too shy to approach, I watched them NOT see me as an option…Hey, virgin members of A.A.R.P. may be invisible to anyone distracted by those incapable of motivating an approach.

BlockedCock July 1, 2013 at 10:28 am

To: “Capital Letter Am” (the hairy Hispanic) is a whiny, whinging little git. Sort it out yourself, however you want, nobody gives a shit about you, your small penis or your shriveled testicles. STOP WHINING!!!

From: A late 20s male virgin.

DilemmaOfFemaleVirgin - 47 July 27, 2013 at 10:51 pm

I wonder if you made it, Joseph…Not to be confused with any impression that I am – or, may be representing a “past life/VirginMary regression”, I am hoping to communicate with Joseph – a nicely-spoken male voice I shared a phone line with – not too long ago…I am shy about phoning because it may cost him, and I prefer not to cost a man more than I spend…in time…Are you reading this, Joseph?

Jay August 3, 2013 at 2:36 pm

@ all virgins on this forum, especially Captain letter am:

I’m a virgin myself. I’m 19 years old, and have been on a journey of self-improvement in the pick-up community in order to improve my dating life. In elementary, high school and the beginning of college I struggled with women; so we can relate on this level.

Yeah, sure I’m young, and I can only imagine what it must be like to be a virgin in an age range that could stigmatic. I’m going for my first time, and I know it’s coming soon.

Is it coming soon because i’m good looking? rich? have a sexy lifestyle? fame? No…

It’s coming soon because I’ve been taking action, which I believe is what many of you lack. Someone has to say this to you, and in this case it’s an ambitious 19 year old man. For the last 7 and a half months I’ve going out every single day approaching women, getting numbers and planning dates. Do I get rejected? YES. Do I get flaked on like crazy? YES. Are there situations that can be perceived as humiliating? YES. But… do I meet meet women I am interested who are beautiful everyday? YES. Do I go on dates with some? YES. Am I getting one step closer to losing my virginity? YES.

Understand something fellow virgins, I TAKE ACTION. Don’t think I take action because I’m good looking or for some other reasons. I take action because lacking a girlfriend, women and sex UPSETS me. It FRUSTRATES me. I have a predisposition for depression, and I know how it feels so don’t think you’re alone either.

I’m naturally an introvert (at least I believe I am), and have many moments of philosophical thinking which I enjoy. I made up a quote one time that I believe will help motivate you all, here it is: “After you are born and aware (around 12-13 years old), the rest is YOUR responsibility.” With this mentioned, stop blaming your parents, stop blaming society, stop blaming in general. Start FIXING, because for the older individuals in particular, the clock is ticking (I’m sorry to say).

Robert Kiyosaki, the author of “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” said one key to success is . I believe this and you should too because it is the hard truth. Don’t waste your energy shouting at the problem, spend energy fixing and eradicating it; this is more sustainable for your well-being and I know this first hand.

How do I know this first hand? 2 examples that can relate to lifes struggles: 1)I applied to music school twice, the first time I got rejected, the second time I got in with a scholarship. I practiced 3 hours a day for a year while studying social science to get that. 2)Before I started pick-up, I never went on a date with a girl, and never had even the slightest sexual experience from one. I went from this to… going on dates once in awhile, getting numbers from hotties, kissing and the POSSIBILITY of sex. I go out EVERYDAY and practice cold-approach pick-up. You have a career? You can still make time to practice even though you work 5 days a week. You have lunch breaks, after work, weekends, holidays. If you are serious, you WILL FIND TIME.

In the moments I tell people about this stuff I get laughs, mockery on the subject, judgments and even anger. With this mentioned, if you join me on this journey, don’t expect to get validation from people, you won’t find it. Motivate from within. Your in a world where self-improvement is “wrong” (not completely accepted), and self-maintenance is “right” (mainstream approved, ie: just be yourself.)

I went from no women, denying my sexual urges, negative mind-sets to… women, expressing sexual desires to beautiful women and improved character which no other activity in the world gave me. Whoever says pick-up doesn’t work is a naysayer and lazy. I even got a job with the Red Cross because of pick-up. “I’m sorry sir, but you did not pass the interview. However, I am going to give you another shot, because you have fantastic social skills and a great smile. Come by again this friday.” I never would have got that summer job without practicing pick-up, forget having a smile.

Men of all ages who are virgins (myself included), take action with me. The answer in this case is action, not inaction. I believe in you and am on this journey with you.

Best of luck,


Jay August 3, 2013 at 2:45 pm

P.S.S: Robert Kiyosaki said that one key to success is Change first. Change yourself first rather than try to change everyone else to your needs.

DilemmasOfFemaleVirgin, 47... August 4, 2013 at 1:41 am

@Jay – from 8/3/2013 comment…Mr. Kiyosaki seems to have a similar message to a Michael Jackson song: “If u wanna make the world a bettuh place, take a look atchuh self, and make that…CHANGE!…I’m lookin’ @ the man in the mirror – oh, yeah!…I’m askin’ him to change my ways – ah, yeah!…No message could’ve been any clearer…!” – woo-hoo, Jay!…Nicely said…I have no idea who your post is responding to – yet, my hope to find a – mutually/militant virgin vasectomy is based on my effort to provide stability for humans – already here, and in need of comfort; growing space; & support for future dreams/goals…

DilemmasOfFemaleVirgin, 47 August 10, 2013 at 5:52 pm

7/27/2013 – I typed a message I thought Joseph would see…He wants to buy a cow in Tennessee…He has goals in places my nostrils may never be…The odor of “cow patties” NOT “down-wind” from me…

AussieVirgin August 21, 2013 at 2:46 am

After loosing my first girlfriend at 18 with the only experience being of touching her body and making out, I was too mentally immature to do anything. And that seem to hinder me to now Being 30 about to hit 31 and also being single for 13 years. I’ve put on a bit of weight my hairs going grey and my willpower is pretty much shot. I have tried to date but got friend zoned each time. First girl rejected me and then 9 months later I see her with a child hit me hard in the confidence spot.The next girl I tried to slow approach trying win her over, but after 2 years I tried to ask her to go into a more serious relationship only to be shoved into the friend zone again..
It’s also become a issue that I work late night’s as a store filler and sleep in leaving me very little time to socialize if I actually felt like it. I have only a select group of friend because I dislike conflict’s.
So for my 31st birthday in 4 days from this post I am going to Sydney to let myself go, Hit some dance clubs/strip joints/Massage parlour/Brothel whatever I fancy and if I do or don’t decide get the nasty out of the way just depends on me.

DilemmasOfFemaleVirgin-47yrs. old September 2, 2013 at 9:03 pm

I am beginning to speculate – emphasis on “late”, on reasons I remain virgin.

I mean, other than – mutual, agreement from sexually-active men who hoped to convince me of the GOOD idea to help them acquire sexual frequency – and variety, other females were not available for.

My arguments – consistently, lead men to other females, and I am happy to be the reason men are less likely to complain about me.

On the other hand, there is the workplace.

Now, populated by females, the workplace has become a test tube for a variety of tactics initiated by women who seem to hope to prove they are as worthy to harass another female – and successfully intimidate, as a man would be presumed of practicing.

So, virgin females are suspected of being more attractive and entertaining to sexually-active workers with so much reason to escape the chaos and violence they’ve motivated at home, there is movement toward keeping as much attention on an otherwise (comparatively) isolated/reclusive/secluded individual content to wait for an appropriate dating option which may lead to a potential marriage and parenting scenario.

“M.Y.O.B.” (or, MindYourOwnBusiness) has become a threat to those who “M.E.E.B.” (or, MindEverybodyElse’sBusiness) with a most creative charm.

I’ve spent – nearly, half my life in the 2nd – of 2, CommonWealth.

My effort to – again, be qualified for marriage and motherhood by keeping myself as healthy as possible; avoiding the pretenses of popularity; volunteering money & time to whichever project may assist anyone in crisis – or, a level of hardship – without making myself an authority on how anyone should live and/or love, yet, the result is the same…

If too many females are angry toward – or disliking, another female who seems suspected of a POTENTIAL to grant a man access to companionship and pleasure, she is doomed to be argued over to the point of preventing a man’s interest.

Females have been so desperate to label another female, they’ve been debating about her sexual identity for – nearly, 20 years!

If a woman decides to live in a way which prevents other females from worry about her intent toward an unavailable man, it won’t matter.

Much like the exasperation of a devoted man to a woman’s need – and want, only to learn of her interest in more than he can afford to provide (or, another man), a female with the devotion of a sister/mother complexity & sense of responsibility toward NOT disrespecting another woman’s position in a man’s life, will never be appreciated among women hunting for any – and every, excuse for failure to maintain the interest of a man.

So, females don’t have friendship – or, love for her, because of the platonic/non-sexual attention men show – while women suspect immorality.

Males hoping for the “no strings” option are – equally, feeling disadvantaged by the same female because she has been nominated – and voted, the reason other females are too upset to allow men (who are NOT INTERESTED in a female virgin) to gain sexual access to females who have nothing in common with the female they have demonized in an effort to be certain she isn’t competition.

So, I wait…

I wait for a compatible option to share my life with.

I wait for an opportunity to spend time distancing myself from people who need to draw others into the “quicksand” of – hopelessly, boring and predictable outcome for the purpose of having someone – or thing, to talk about.

peepshowpete December 21, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Wow. It’ll take me a while to get through all these comments but i’ll throw my hand in (sic). Im a 57 yo virgin. I’m a great bloke, i think. I would like to go out with me. Nice, interesting, i’ve got money etc. But yeah i’m short, fat and bald, so er maybe not. The lack of sex is not the worst thing. As other people have said it’s the fact that no girl even wants to be with you. Period. ( not that you’d want to be with a girl when she’s having her period , maybe). So you feel less of a man. And god is it lonely. You kid yourself it’s not important but it hurts deep down, it hurts. So much so that …. well lets say -who wants a lonely old age?. and be a virgin. When i’ve read them all i’ll prob have more to say.

peepshowpete December 22, 2013 at 12:31 pm

Ok so i’ve read quite a few of the comments and can relate to most of them. I don’t get the idea of ‘shame’ if you die a virgin. Sexual attraction ( for both sexes) is largely based on looks and the fewer cards you are dealt the less chance you have. Simples. You only have to join a dating site to see how it works. If you are tall, good looking you’ll prob find someone. Short, fat and bald AND old haha no chance. No matter how funny you are, how good your profile is, how much money you have, you wont find anyone. I don’t like porn really. I get stimulated sure but why do i want to watch someone getting what ‘ really’ i feel i should be getting. Sex for most men is a biological need. We can masturbate sure but that obviously isn’t the same as holding someone and sharing intimacy with them. It’s the whole package not just the sex. Those who are under 30, don’t worry too much. Just get out there and give it your best shot.

HuckleberryZ. December 23, 2013 at 12:38 pm

I’ve read (some) comments, how awesome is the variety of opinions!
Anyway, from what i learned, sex in important mostly to the ones who hadn’t enough, yet. I surely had enough, and I don’t miss it (just now or then lol), and proudly I can say I ‘resolved’ 3 virgin causes. But had I?
As it was said, sex is about continuity of the specie. But in our culture, is also about love and lust. Some people just don’t meet the right person, or hadn’t looked in the right place. For example, did you know that in africa a white man is the MAN? No matter how you look like, or even if you have money, tons of girl will swear to be in love with you-is it better than a hooker?
And porn, seriously? If you need/like it, then watch it. If you don’t, don’t bother the others! I would realy like to have a psychologist to say whether it’s right or wrong!

TheDilemmasOfFemaleVirgin, 47 December 25, 2013 at 11:30 am

I am glad for such recent responses to this topic.

To the point of being “fat and bald – and old”, I don’t see that comment as more than a self esteem issue.

I remember seeing stories (from the United States) about elder care facilities building space for residence to be intimate. There was a study proving H.I.V. increasing among retired citizens. This is beside talk of older humans being considered as sexual options – more readily, outside the U.S., than within. Yet, there is a trend of younger men involving themselves with older women. I was encouraged by an article which seemed to comfort females – like me, who felt as though we may have missed the opportunity to find intimacy – or “the right one”.

So, if there is an issue about age, find another community.

If there is an issue about hair, (especially, if you have money) you can find a solution to change your appearance/hair line – or presentation.

If there is a weight issue, diet and exercise (toning muscles) – and a supportive group and/or partner with similar struggles, can make all the difference in the world.

I enjoy being content with my status because I struggle with reaction to negative in-put from humans who never knew more than my name, or neighborhood.

I seem to – also, have a phobia related to an impression that sex may transform my persona to one I have worked too hard to avoid adopting – or allowing an excuse for becoming.

Then, my progress seems delayed by an inner healing of a bruise or wound which may not be as severe as my loneliness tells me it is…Yet, it may be such an old – untreated, trauma, I may be glad for enough sadness to lead me to care for myself without traumatizing a man – or child.

Steve December 25, 2013 at 10:54 pm

Good article, although I have to disagree that there is “no reason” for someone to be a virgin past their 20′s.

I’m a twenty-one year old virgin, I’ve never so much as kissed a girl. I’m confident enough to say I’m healthy, active, good-looking, and very sociable with women.
My situation stems from my extreme aversion to my own sexuality. I hate it, HATE it.

My whole life I have either not taken the initiative to start a relationship with the girls a liked or actively worked to dissuade any girls who seemed interested in me. Not that I don’t want a relationship, I actually feel like I’ve got this kind of hole in my life were I wish there was someone special. But because I see sex as this just vile, repulsive, evil thing, I know I could never ever bring myself to use somebody I cared about sexually.
I know that almost everyone in the world but me sees sex as some kind of ultimate expression of affection, so I also understand that should I ever try to reach out to a girl I felt something for, they would naturally expect me to eventually do something I could just never do.

They only other people who know that I am the way I am are my parents. Sooner or latter my close friends, all of whom have terrific relationships with really wonderful girls, are going to notice my distinct lack of a dating life. When the awkward questions come, I just don’t know how I will answer.

Dren January 22, 2014 at 12:17 am

Nice post and everything. but I don’t get having to measure yourself as a man based on sleeping with a woman.

Some people just aren’t interested in getting physical with somebody. Their choice.

If it isn’t by choice, then yes I suppose confidence and quitting porn are good advice.

TheDilemmasOfFemaleVirgin, 47 January 25, 2014 at 10:45 pm

@Dren…I think the “measuring” isn’t based on sleeping with a woman as much as making an attempt to comfort the woes of those who are troubled by their status – and how to escape.

Apparently, the surrounding influences of an individual can be blinding.

I remember the isolated/reclusiveness I felt within the choice I made to – personally, take responsibility for preventing more hereditary factors/madness from being duplicated from my ability to – potentially, reproduce.

I was not allowed to see more than the limited influences of those who pretended I was abnormal – and undesired…especially, to those pretending sex had to be rushed into – if you wanted to become an impressive person.

I – eventually, found so many “hidden” clues that I am NOT – nor have I ever been, without others like myself…including those who shared the anti-climactic realities of careless sexual explorations.

There seems to be a level of fear that too many virgins “getting together” may – potentially, eliminate enough scapegoats to “uncover” the responsible persons, and help them stop using newborns – and the NEED to look after them (in an effort to “2nd chance” by “GRAND-parenting”), to hide their guilt for mishandling their youth – and/or the children they abused with abandonment and/or exposure to people who mishandled children they should have protected.

Rod February 22, 2014 at 3:52 pm

One observation is that in the Western world, and especially America, there is an identity crisis going on; men and especially women. This crisis has turned the dating and relationship world upside down. This problem has caused contradictions within the individual self, thus confusing overall outlooks between the sexes and how to approach a relationship. For example; 5 years ago women thought beards and nerds were gross and uncool, now they are something in the mainstream and to be desired. Or just take a look at dating profiles, and the questions submitted. I’m sure if you (male) have been on one, you have read the countless “I’m not here looking for a one night stand” “hookup”, etc., yet, while reading a good portion of their (female) answers to some posed questions like, “would you be willing to sleep with someone on the first date”; “would you date someone just for sex”; to “have you had a one night stand”, roughly 80% answered Yes. Sounds like a total contradiction to the old “I’m not looking for” phrases. Have in mind though, questionnaires can be fallible, yet it is a little of something to take note.

To tie in with the above, I have been noted as being consistent in my look, my attitudes, and general outlook, thus I have been noted often that this is what makes me unique from most. You would think being yourself and true to who you are would be a desired trait, yet at times it can be a little off putting and scary to others. This is not about arrogance or over confidence, yet it is more of will he or she make changes for me, or how can I mold them to fit my needs. Sounds realistic in that some changes are to be made for having a good relationship, yet are we changing too much, thus compromising the individual self in us.

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Lon Spector June 9, 2014 at 2:28 pm

I wouldn’t worry about foreign terrorists.
There are leigons of sexually frustrated men
right here in the U.S. just waiting to strike out.

OllBlueEyes July 7, 2014 at 9:09 pm

I’m not a virgin; I’m a 35-year-old guy with very limited experience.

Seems to me there’s something at play here: The lack of a sexual foundation, otherwise known as “late-blooming.” There’s an awful lot of guys out there who, while they otherwise led normal lives, either didn’t have formative sexual experiences during high school/college or had BAD experiences. Say a young man had one or a few rejections that really stung. He was humiliated. Or he was simply too shy to ever approach. Extrapolate through college/post college and he may have just developed a bad habit of “Sit-it-out” mentality.

Instead of “just be yourself” these guys should be told, starting around age 13 or 14, to DATE, DATE, DATE. Find out what you like, and what you don’t like. Early success breeds more success.
I suspect the parents to preach this are in the FAR minority. It’s probably due to a combination of rampant single motherhood, and proliferation of “sexual harassment” awareness.
I think men, young men, have endured a parental failure on a massive, generational scale.

alex July 8, 2014 at 7:19 pm

Okay there are a ton of comments on this post, almost enough for a book. Of the comments I read everyone seems to have missed one important thing. For someone with absolutely zero experience (never gone on a date, never kissed, does not know what another touching another person feels like [ i.e. no lengthy experiences with non intimate or intimate physical contact], no relationship history, no one night stands or casual encounters, never been to a strip club or been in the same room room as a nude person who they might find attractive, does not go to bars or clubs [not into them/does not drink], and doesn’t know where to begin) there are few options.

For someone like a person described above it is not just about sex. Something people with sexual experience often forget is the haphazard exploration that came before. Adult virgins male or female with zero experience are still missing all the exploratory steps that would get them comfortable with being physically and emotionally intimate with others. Society has plenty of options for those wanting to start relationships, meet up for casual sex, and if really desperate paying someone for sex. Sadly few if any choices are available for anyone simply wishing to gain exploration knowledge in a non sexual and eventually sexual context. It is the primary reason I am 28 and a male virgin.

If I was looking to date (which I am not because I think it is backwards and puts too much emphasis on establishing “sexual compatibility” rather than building a basic social foundation upon which individuals can decide if getting to know each other could lead to later considering a relationship. ) I would play the dating game.

If sex was all I wanted then a casual encounter or prostitute would suffice. Now if all I wanted was to see a woman nude I could go to a strip club. Me I want the middle ground without any of the sexual elements. Seeing just to see, touching just to touch, and so on and so forth. I won’t speak for anyone else, but that’s why I haven’t done anything because I don’t know where I can acquire the experiences I seek and until I find a way nothing will change.

Anonymous September 17, 2014 at 5:54 pm

So many idiots on this forum. I like the male whore that said he just lost his virginity at 24 to some woman that was easy. Yeah I am sure he is fighting a STD still to this day.

There is nothing wrong with being an old virgin. This article is worthless crap.

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