Advice on How To Overcome Shyness

by Matt Savage

Though I get a lot of email from readers, until most recently, I’ve started getting emails asking for advice. I try to write people back and help as best I can. And since some of these questions may be applicable to the readers of this blog, I’ve decided to start posting some of them on the blog (with that person’s permission) along with my replies.

First, I want to make a little disclaimer. Though the title of this blog has the word “Pickup Artist” in it, that does not put me on the same level as the other top pickup artists in the world. I am not Mystery. I am not Neil Strauss. I am simply a writer trying to consistently increase my ability to attract women. So any advice I give is based on my own personal experience and knowledge. If you are looking for advice from a master PUA/reality star/NYT best selling author, than this is not the place.

With that out of the way I bring you a question about how to overcome shyness.

Hi,
I’ve had a pretty crappy time these last couple of years but I’ve finally turned my life round (I’ve lost a load of weight, I have a great bunch of friends and I’m financially stable) however I’m still a shy “nice guy” and I can’t even seem to approach women, so I am now trying to sort out this part of my life out as well.

I’ve been reading and watching videos on pickup artists, however I’m not a guy who likes to go into clubs to get women and I’m not interested in picking up women just for sex.

Are there any good books or manuals out there which can help me talk to women in a natural environment (ie. in a shop or while walking on the street) and without using “routines.”

Also what do you think of Cory Skyy?

If you’re wondering about why I’m asking you, I just feel that I can relate to you and you also seem like a good person.

Hope you can help.  Thanks.

- J.

Hi J,

It’s good to hear that you are taking the steps to get this part of your life taken care of.  It’s definitely something that doesn’t happen overnight and takes a lot of baby steps to get to where you want to be.

You don’t need to go to clubs to meet women, in fact, I think clubs are one of the worst places to meet women.  Bars are pretty good, but only if you are comfortable in them and are good at socializing, but you don’t really need those either.

I think the key for shy nice guys such as yourself, is to join some sort of social group.  Whatever hobby or activity you have an interest in, find a local group dedicated to that thing and join it.  Participate, talk to the people, make friends and expand your social circle.  This helps you do a few things that is more difficult to learn at the bar scene:

  1. You can meet and talk to lots of women under the guise of a common interest, which is way better and easier than using canned openers and routines.
  2. It gives you a reason to practice your social skills and to help you break out of your shell and to overcoming shyness which will help you in future interactions with women.

So, joining some type of social group is my main recommendation for you.  I imagine you’ve already read enough of the pickup fundamentals that all you really need to do is to start practicing this stuff in real life.

However, if I did have to recommend some material or a guru that fits your personality type, I’d say you’d be best suited to go with AFC Adam Lyons from PUA Training.  His concepts on social circle game would be right up your alley and mesh nicely with my advice on joining a social group.  He certainly has some great tips on how to overcome shyness.

I haven’t read much of Cory Skyy‘s stuff, but he does have a unique interesting method based on eye seduction.  I could see where the ability to have women approach you through eye contact alone is an alluring concept but I feel like this method is mostly conducive to the bar/club environment.

Anyways, hope that was of some help for you and would be curious to know how things go in the future.

Respect,

- Matt Savage

{ 8 comments }

Dwayne from Probably Sucks Blog September 26, 2008 at 10:28 pm

That was some pretty good advice, I wish I had this a year or so ago. I used to be an overly shy person myself. Working as a web developer eventually made me come out of my shell though because you’re dealing with people that know when you’re shy and not confident and they use it against you.

I think the reason that shyness can be an issue is because you feel like you’re missing out on things, people think you’re rude and you come across as a loner.

My shyness used to stem from insecurities I had about myself. How much I weighed and how others perceived me.

It sounds to me this guy is shy because of his weight issues that he used to have, it could be other things but that seems to be the vibe I’m getting from that person.

Godspeed September 28, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Just do it. Crash as you haven’t crashed before. It is like learning to walk for a little child.

Mission PUA September 30, 2008 at 12:32 am

I was once a shy and quiet person and at times I still am. But now I’ve made it a point to meet people on a daily basis. Just go out and start talking to people. It can be as simple as some eye contact and a hello or I just introduce myself and see where it goes. It’s important to stay out of your head and don’t over think things, just be present in the moment and focus on getting to know people. If you make it a point to talk to 5 new people a day, do you think after a month and 150 approaches you will still be shy? Probably not, all it takes is some practice. I’ve also learned from Carlo’s Xuma that there is no such thing as rejection, when you approach someone they are either going to qualify or disqualify themselves from being apart of your wonderful and amazing life.

Matt Savage October 2, 2008 at 10:10 am

@ Dwayne
I think your right that shyness usually occurs when a person is overly concerned about other people’s perceptions of him or herself. When you spend all your time analyzing what people think of you, then you have not time to talk and socialize with those people. You might be on to something here.

@Godspeed
Yes. Sometimes the best way to get over shyness is to simply crash and burn. I’ve done this many many times and can say that it does work.

@MissionPUA
I try to make it a point to say “hi” to random people throughout the day. Because a simple hello has a lot of potential for further socializing.

PUA2XS November 1, 2008 at 12:19 pm

First day, practice smiling and holding brief eye contact with as many women on the street as possible. Second day, say hello to as many as you can. Third day, smile, say hello, and make a nice comment about what they are wearing or their hair.
You will then realise that 70% of women will smile back, and only 10% will be bitches and who cares anyway? Then you are ready to go!

Gabriel December 2, 2008 at 3:20 am

Good Article. Personal power is very important to self esteem and overcoming shyness as well as I think that anyone can have moments of shyness depending on the situation, and focusing on the other person is a good way to overcome shyness. It shows that you interested in the other person and what they have to say, which hopefully you are! I think we all forget that the other person in the conversation may also feel a little awkward or shy.

Gone Savage May 17, 2009 at 11:11 pm

I’ve yet to read anything savage on this blog.

This is my last comment.

Put down your community material and go read the info at this site:

http://www.datinggroundwork.com/

I endorse that site only because it is practical. The PUA community adivce is not.

As you read this you are dying in your comfort zone.

How to Overcome Shyness March 5, 2012 at 12:15 am

You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the best sites online. I’m going to highly recommend this website!

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