We’re making out on the couch. Victory is looming. Then it happens.
“Umm, where’s your bathroom” she asks
“Just down the hall on the left” I reply
She gets up and starts running. I ponder why the rush and then it hits me. Oh Jesus God NO! In that split second, time freezes and I will be forever haunted by the image of a girl projectile vomiting on my living room floor. Oh, the horror…
She continues her path into the bathroom, slams the door shut and pukes her guts out. I can hear the sounds of heaving. The smell is terrible. I am becoming nauseous. This is not a good night.
As I grab for a roll of paper towels I start to realize something that hadn’t occurred to me until now. If this girl was drunk enough to vomit all over my apartment, then she was certainly too drunk for me to take home. I start to feel kind of icky, kind of like a scumbag.
As a rule, I’ve always told myself that I don’t pick-up girls that are more drunk than I am, and preferably not at all. It’s a fools mate. It’s not fair. It’s not moral. Somehow, this alluded me tonight, I didn’t pay attention and I missed it completely.
Regardless, the damage is done. I’m paying the price. I’m now on the floor, cleaning up someone else’s puke at three in the morning.
There is no longer any sound coming from the bathroom. I knock on the door. No answer. I open it to see her resting her head on the toilet seat.
“Are you alright?” I ask
“Yeaaaa, I’m finnnneee.”
“No, your not, or else you wouldn’t have thrown up.”
“I’m sorrrryyyy. ” she slurs
“I think I should take you home now.” I say
“Yeaaaa, good ideaa, I have to work tomorrow.”
“Ha, yea right, I don’t think that’s happening, lets just get you home.”
We gather her stuff and leave. It’s now 3:30 in the morning. I try to hail a cab for her but there is nothing. Finally, I decide to just walk her home, almost a mile away. The trek is long, slow and staggering but I get her back in one piece. She thanks me for being a nice guy despite my earlier intentions of having sex with her.
I suppose we can chalk this night up as another “what not to do.”
Tags: Field Reports10 Comments
10 responses so far ↓
[...] Why You Don’t Pick Up Drunk Girls From: themodernsavage.com Disastrous field report about picking up a drunk girl and the horror that follows » more 1 [...]
I think you acted as a gentlemen. I am also glad to see that you told her it was time to go home…
There may be another date for you in the future…hopefully a sober one! HAHAHAHA!! your carpet smell any better?
Single
hahahaha
i think in college it is okay to bang drunk chicks.. its expected. But im in my late 20s now and the thought of taking home a piss drunk chick is just nauseating. the beer breath, the slurring…
i feel for you man
Dude that story was great!! N you know it does show that you are a gentleman. Don’t ever forget that =)
HAF
Single,
Luckily I have hardwood floors so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Although I did have to purchase a new mop.
Bobby,
I agree, being in my late 20’s now makes those drunken college party girls less to be desired for.
HAF,
Thanks:)
Yeah, I don’t think it’s a good idea to take anyone drunk home regardless.
Sober sex is so much better.
April,
Yea, I totally agree with you.
Classic story. I absolutely love this. I know it’s not nice to laugh at your misfortunes but damnit if they aren’t hysterical! But you know - lesson learned!
Did you at least get a goodnight kiss out of the deal?
That earned points in my book!