How NOT to Pick Up Strippers

by Matt Savage

7:00 PM

I am sitting in my favorite ugly green chair, writing and listening to the torrential rain slapping down against the window behind me. It’s Saturday and I can’t think of anything to write about. I don’t feel like going out. The thought of trekking to a bar and getting soaked didn’t seem appealing to me. I’ll just sit here comfortably for the night in front of the soothing glow of my laptop.

7:05 PM

The cellphone rings. It’s Tommy O’Doul.

“Hey! I don’t have to work, anything going on tonight?” Tommy says

“uhhh, not too much…. was thinking about staying in tonight”

“That’s unacceptable. I’m calling back in a half hour and you better be ready to go out.” he demands

This is Tommy’s style, there is no negotiating with him. He’ll argue and argue his point until he gets his way. Regardless, I set the phone down and continue with my sitting, determined to stick to my original plan of sloth.

7:25 PM

The cellphone rings again. I pick up.

“I’ve made an executive decision” Tommy declares

“Ok, what’s that?”

“We’re going to the strippers!” he says

8:32 PM

I’m sitting in Tommy’s car and we’re maneuvering through the many side streets of Chinatown on our way to the only two strip clubs in town. I look down to a brown bag at my feet with the sound of bottles clinking together every time we make a sharp turn.

“Help yourself to a beer,” Tommy says, “you brought your bottle opener right?”

“Uhh…I’m all set for now”

He looks over and glares, signaling that it wasn’t a suggestion. “Ah screw it,” I say and I stick my hand in the bag to pull out a beer. I try discretely to drink it while we are flying through the middle of the city but it feels like every pedestrian is glaring at us.

8:50 PM

Of the only two strip clubs in town, we decide to go to the sketchiest one. Don’t ask why, the logic is mind boggling. We walk through the door, show the doorman our ID’s and pay the ten dollar cover charge.

We walk over to the stage which also doubles as the bar and sit down. We have prime real estate, right next to the bartender and right in front of the pole.

“Can I get you two fellers a drink?” asks the bartender

“Yea, two Buds please.” I reply

She whips out two bottles and sets them down in front of us.

“That’ll be ten bucks” she says

I hand her a ten dollar bill and drop two on the bar for a tip. She glares back at me and finally says, “each…”

“Huh, what’s that?” I say

“The beers….they’re ten dollars each…” she says

9:20 PM

We’ve been at the strippers for 30 minutes now and between the two of us, we’ve spent $90 dollars. To make it worse, the five dancers we’ve seen so far aren’t that good looking.

9:23 PM

Just as I begin to get bored, out comes the cutest stripper of the night. A red head that reminds me Bartender Betty. She doesn’t fit the stripper stereotype of perfectly round breasts, unnaturally tanned body, and long legs. She seemed like a regular cute girl. One that you’d bump into at a coffee shop or a library. I could see myself dating a girl like this and I believe this is what made her attractive.

9:41 PM

If you’ve ever been to a strip club, you’ll know that after a girl is finished dancing, she usually walks around the bar soliciting guys for lap dances. Since arriving, we have had almost every girl in the place come by, trying to seduce us out of the little remaining cash that we had. Every girl but one, the cute red headed girl, she has yet to approach us.

Finally, I see her walking by, I make eye contact. She comes over and sets her hand on the back of my shoulder.

“Hey, did you enjoy the show?” she asks me

“To be honest I’m a little disappointed.” I say

“What! Really….why?!”

“I don’t think you were really trying, it just didn’t feel like you were in the moment. It seemed like you were just going through the motions and not trying to seduce me.” I say

She tries to respond but I cut her off…

“Here’s the thing, I’m not like these other guys, I’m not easy. You’re going to have to step it up another couple of notches to attract someone like me.” I say

At this point I’m just spouting out a bunch of bullshit and playing hard to get. It turns into an epic battle where each has their own desired outcome. She wants money and I want sex. The problem is I don’t want to pay for her attention, I want it for free. I suppose I’m greedy like that.

“I’ll tell you what,” she says, “if you let me give you a private dance then I’ll take it up at least three notches!”

“That’s it?” I reply

“Well I can only do so much!” she declares

“For me, it’s not just about the dancing…it’s about having a sexy seductive attitude and I’m not sure that is something you can provide me in this setting.” I say, hinting that what I really want is to see her while she’s not on the clock.

“Ahhh, I see what you’re up to now, but I already have boyfriend,” she says, “so, you either get a dance or not.”

“I’m all set for now, thanks.” I say politely

She gives a slight frown and walks away to seduce some other poor sap.

I have failed to pick-up a stripper. My game is simply not that good yet. Perhaps I need to invest in some resources for how to pick up strippers.

10:45 PM

We watch two more dancers and finish our last beer. I drop my last two dollars on the stage and tell Tommy O’Doul that we need to get out of this money pit before the club owns my first born child. Just as the current dancer grabs my two bills and begins humping the pole, we decide to leave, broke and girl-less.

11:55 PM

I’m sitting in my favorite ugly green chair, writing and listening to the rain coming down outside. It’s almost Sunday and I can’t figure out what to write about. Perhaps a failed attempt at trying to pick up strippers would make for a good read.

{ 13 comments }

Bobby Rio March 18, 2008 at 3:35 pm

don’t fret… picking up strippers isn’t usually easy (unless your in Brazil)

i stay away from strip bars… the only guys I’ve seen succesfully score with strippers is the guy with a pocket full of blow.

Ian Smith March 18, 2008 at 9:24 pm

Personally, I’ve never felt the allure of seducing a stripper, or going to stripclubs at all for that matter. Something about money-hungry whores just turns me off. Might just be me….

Good read nonetheless, glad I’ve stumbled upon your site.

Be Well.
Ian Smith.
http://www.pualifestyle.com/forum

Matt Savage March 19, 2008 at 10:56 am

Bobby,
It’s not a big deal and I don’t normally frequent strip clubs but it’d be nice to know that I could pick one up if I could…hopefully without having to resort to a pocket full of blow:)
Ian,
Yea, I hear you. I’ve been to some strip clubs where I was really attracted to some girls and some strip clubs where I was totally put off by the girls. I don’t like want to classify all strippers as “money-hungry whores” though. Strippers are people too and some are likely to have great personalities and be successful outside of the strip clubs. I think a good example is Diablo Cody, former exotic dancer, who recently won an Oscar for best original screenplay.

Mack Tight March 19, 2008 at 1:42 pm

I think the moral of this story is that it is better to hit on the regular cute girl you would see at a coffee shop when she is at the coffee shop than when she is dancing at a strip club.

I give you credit for trying since you were forced in the situation by your friend any how.

Ian Smith March 19, 2008 at 10:40 pm

[b]Matt[/b]

Yeah, I didn’t mean they all are money-hungry whores, and I’ve met quite a few charming nice girls who dance for a living. I totally agree there. But, even though they say statistics don’t matter to the individual, in this case I think they do, most strippers are money-hungry whores. And with that in mind I’d rather pull some tail from the gym, school, coffeeshop, etc.

Again, this is just me.

Namaste.
Ian Smith.

Avalon March 24, 2008 at 2:12 am

The purpose of a strip club is to offer entertainment, not a hook up. Our job is to sell you entertainment. Why would you knowingly go to the sketchy bar…did you want sketchy entertainment?

I must admit….I met my husband 8 years ago when his boss bought him a lapdance.

Matt Savage March 24, 2008 at 9:41 am

Avalon,
I’m really glad you left a comment, it’s nice to hear a dancer’s perspective on my night. You bring up some good points:
I agree, you go to a strip club to be entertained and I was. However, when I see a beautiful woman I can’t help but think about seducing her. This would be the same if I were at a coffee shop, a bar, or a library, not just strip clubs. It just so happens that there are a lot of attractive women in strip clubs.
Let me clarify on the sketchy club decision as I didn’t want to get into details in the original post. In Boston, there are only two strip clubs and they are both right next to each other. One is perceived by the general public as “the sketchy one” and the other “the classy one.” The thing is the sketchy one really isn’t all that sketchy, not by my standards anyways, so we originally decided that we’d check out both of them, but start with the sketchy one first. After spending all of our money, we never made it to the second one

Hot Alpha Female March 27, 2008 at 6:59 pm

That was a great post. And despite the fact that you didn’t pick her up …. I think that you were definately one of the more stand out guys of the night.

At least you were challenging her a bit. And when she chucked up the test of “I have a boyfriend” then you should have just said “I just met you and your already telling me about your problems?” and then moved on with the conversation.

She is a stripper. Do you know how many guys are going to try and hit on her and ask her out? So considering i think that you did a pretty good job. lol

Hot Alpha Female

Ryan March 27, 2008 at 9:18 pm

Cool story, you had me at the edge of my seat….Man I hope it’s possible to love strippers and be spiritual at the same time…who am I kidding, how can you not love strippers.

Matt Savage April 2, 2008 at 10:49 am

HAF,
“I just met you and your already telling me about your problems?” – Ha! You always have the best cocky funny lines, I need to start writing these down! Thanks.
Ryan,
I totally agree, I’ve always been a fan of strippers and probably always will be:)

Rich Micheals April 19, 2008 at 3:25 pm

Hi Matt… no offense but we see guys like you coming and going all the time… Any guy who thinks thier going to bag a “dancer” (stripper is an insulting term .. ask any of them) by trying to pick them up at a club is fooling themselves. It may happen occasionally, but it is very rare.

There’s tons of hot horny single girls who work the clubs … but you have to be in their “inner circle” to score. You have to be on the inside and working with them is the best way to do it.

Ive been an Adult MC for over 15 years and not only do I get all the fresh young tail I want, I GET PAID TO DO IT!!!

So if anyone wants to start “tapping” dancers, Id love to help you learn.

Brittan Benz (Real Natural Men Blog) July 12, 2010 at 8:46 pm

Hey savage,

I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself on this one.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I come from the belief system that even if you believe you are a “GRADE A” 10 alpha man, that sometimes you won’t be about to “seal the deal”.

What I mean is, the girl may be attracted to you, she may feel the attraction, but here logical mind, and situation will not allow her to act upon it (especially in a situation like work).

I guess what I’m saying is don’t take it personally. It may not of had ANYTHING to do with your game. But, sometimes it’s just not going to happen. It’s not personal, and it’s not an attack on YOU or YOUR game. It’s just an external situation that can be handled.

Make sense?

How To Pick Up Strippers March 7, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Boston aye…?

So those two clubs you mentioned must be Centerfolds and the Glass Slipper? And if you went to the sketchy one I’ve got to guess you are talking about the GS… HA! Last time I was in there the dancer had us play a game called “p**** basket ball” guys where wadding up dollar bills trying to get one to stick. now that’s what I call a classy bar!

Massachusetts probably the worst state in the country for strip clubs. On the west coast picking up strippers is a lot easier.

Like your blog BTW.

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