“Umm, so you only want to have sex with me and that’s it?” she asks.
It’s ten o’clock in the morning, I’m sipping my coffee and had just sat down to write. Hovering over me is a half naked woman. She just woke up after a night of amazing sex and now she wants to talk about the status of our relationship. This is Shy Sandy.
I had been seeing Shy Sandy in a casual relationship over the past month and for the most part it was just sex. It was what a lot of people might call a friends with benefits relationship.
Not expecting such a blunt comment, I take a sip of my coffee to buy some time and compose my thoughts.
“Listen, Sandy, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really see our relationship going any further than it is now. I’m a busy guy…I have so much stuff going on right now that I can’t really do the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing. I’m sorry.” I say
She just stands there in an awkward silence.
“Is that ok?” I ask
“Well, I can’t just keep doing this. I want to be in a real relationship eventually.” she says
It’s at this point that I begin to feel like shit. What have I done? I start to realize that our casual relationship probably wasn’t that casual to Sandy. Her view on the last four weeks of sleeping together was simply the beginning of a longer term relationship. Basically, we had different expectations going into this and I shouldn’t have been so naive to think that a pure sexual relationship could be maintained without some sort of consequences.
“I don’t really know what to say… maybe we should just end this whole thing right now.” I say
“Are you sure?” she asks in a sad voice
“Yea, I think that’d be best for the both of us.” I reply
“Umm, ok.” she says
She silently walks back to the bedroom and gets dressed. She grabs her coat and looks at me.
“I’ll see you around” she says as she walks out the door.
I still have a lot to learn…
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
That sounds awkward. Its really good to see an update from you!
rough man… no easy way to get around it though… You have no reason to feel guilty, as it’s her desire and lack of its fulfillment that got her there… perhaps, the only thing you can really do in the future is keep periodically testing the water in situations like this… and be really, brutally honest…
Noah,
yep definitely awkward. Good to be back writing though and it’s good to know that I haven’t lost all my readers after such a long break…errr…umm….procrastination period:)
Red,
I think the real revelation in all of this is in fact being totally honest on where you stand. There’d be no sense for me to beat around the bush and deceive her into thinking we’d have some kind of future and dragging out something that you know won’t last. Honesty is definitely the key here.
Matt – been wondering where you’ve been!
I gotta admit – you being completely upfront with Shy Sandy and telling her you can’t give her what she wants is awesome. Sure she may not like it but it’s for the best. Speaking from a girl’s standpoint and having been in a FWB relationship, it does take it’s toll. Us chicks aren’t very adept in separating just sex with you wanting to date us. I’m thinking that Shy Sandy shoulda caught a clue when, in the last four weeks, you haven’t taken her anywhere BUT bed but you know us chicks – we always think we can change you.
Now that you’ve cleaned out your bed, could you get to writing more often? We miss you!
lol.. i just wrote about situations like this… i actually used this as an opener asking girls what they want to hear from a guy when they as “what is this” or “where is this going” because i sure as never seem to say the right thing
I wasn’t there, so I’m just throwing out some generalities. I’ve not read all of your posts, so I may retreading ground you know, but maybe it bears repeating:
* If you don’t state something, it’s left to be assumed–if you didn’t tell her weeks ago what you were interested in, you allowed her to assume what she wants. Far more often than men, women are looking for committed relationships (“stable”, “secure”, “dependable”, such as that).
* You need to tune yourself in better; it’s almost certain she was throwing hints before she stepped up to the plate and was so blunt.
* Keep distance: you need to make sure you keep distance that puts her in the “friends” category; spending extraordinary amounts of time with her, rearranging your schedule, etc. is something you do for very close friends and may have given her the wrong impression. She’s not a close friend, she’s a casual friend and should be treated as such, regardless of whether there’s a physical relationship. You said, “I had been seeing Shy Sandy in a casual relationship over the past month” — you shouldn’t be seeing her more than a few times in a month. It’s casual. It’s friendly. No pressure. Don’t meet a girl and make her a first string–even if you don’t have any other girls, don’t invest too much time in this girl. She WILL see it.
* Who gives a shit if she wants a “real” relationship? Fuck that. Say it right now, “Fuck that.” She doesn’t HAVE a “real” relationship so you need to sell her what you can give her. “Listen, it’s not just about sex. I enjoy spending time with you. Right now, I’m not looking to be tied down–I’m young and I want to experience life. I think we have good chemistry and we should explore wherever that goes, but not try to force it into something, just let our relationship go where it wants to go naturally.” 100% true, 100% what she wants to hear. Yes, she will likely stop sleeping with you when she finds the placating schmuck she wants to grow fat with, but in the mean time she’ll keep sleeping with you and that’s what she wants until she finds Mr. Right.
* Absolutely, under no circumstances, do you let a naked girl put her clothes on and walk out of your place under negative circumstances. Whatever you do, she MUST feel that she is leaving your place in a positive way, even if you never see her again. (exceptions are made for crazies) This girl obviously left unsatisfied and it’s in part because she said “I want X” and you said “I don’t have X”. You denied her when you should have said, “I have Y, would you like Y?” Even if she turns it down, you’ve offered her something that she wants, but doesn’t prefer. It places you in a good light and sets it as a incompatibility rather than a failing on your part.
Bravo on starting the FWB relationship. Relationships with women are far more complex than ones with men, so my advice is always to confer with women. They can explain the Ins and Outs of female relationships that men are never taught.
Pamm,
Glad you stuck around during my hiatus and it’s always good to hear from you and get your advice. I have some good posts in the queue and should be writing more often now:)
Bobby,
It seemed easy to me to simply come right out and tell the truth regardless of the outcome, this way you can avoid worrying about what you need to say…
Lachlan,
Wow, that’s quite the informative comment and could probably stand as a post by itself. Definitely some solid tips in there, I appreciate the input. I especially liked this part:
“This girl obviously left unsatisfied and it’s in part because she said “I want X” and you said “I don’t have X”. You denied her when you should have said, “I have Y, would you like Y?” Even if she turns it down, you’ve offered her something that she wants, but doesn’t prefer. It places you in a good light and sets it as a incompatibility rather than a failing on your part.”
…nice way of putting it:)
-Matt
I don’ t know if there is such thing as friends with benefits, It starts with I want nothing more but sex then feelings get involved.
Mostly the females feelings.
I don’t know to much about it, because i am still a virgin, but i know about the feelings between feeling and wanting more. You did a good thing by letting her know where you stand! I commend you on that. but in the end it is not enough!
Single
*sigh* The whole friends with benefits scenario. You know the poor girl prolly cried her eyes out after that.
Thats the things with this whole situation, i usually find it works out better for the man than for the chick.
Girls fall into friends with benefits, because the attraction level is so high for the guy. But what i have figured out .. is that if you are a guy, and you are in a Fb situation, then you are not going to have a longer term relationship with this chick no matter how great she is.
It just doesn’t work. Whats the challenge? Because you have already gotten the prize and you got the prize easily. There is no reason to make the relationship to progress further.
So did you have something to learn? Well just know that if you get into an FB the chick will eventually want more out of the relationship … usually … so be prepared for a breakup later down the track.
Hot Alpha Female
Single,
I think this is one of the main problems with a friends with benefits relationship, is that it is almost never entirely mutual. There is always going to be one person who has more feelings than the other and for this reason it seems that almost all of these types of relationships can’t or won’t work out.
Hot Alpha Female,
Awww jeese, now you’re making me feel guilty, ughh. I hope she didn’t cry too much or hopefully not at all. I really don’t want to hurt anyone and that was one of the reasons why I told her the truth about where I stand on our relationship. I’d imagine that trying to hide my true feelings and dragging her along just to get more sex would have caused a lot more damage than it already did….sigh….I think the key to the FWB stuff is to really manage the expectations before anything even happens in the first place.
Hey Matt: Dont worry i didnt say what i did to make you feel guilty. I was just saying that .. For the majoirty of girls, relationships are something that they expect. With that being said there are a lot of girls that are happy to be in a FB situation due to curcumstances. Like leaving countries, coming out of a serious relationship.FB while i dont like them, they can work. Lance who is on my blog talks a lot about this. He is also a PUA and it works for him, because he is extremly upfront about the whole thing, so he doesnt lead the girls on. Thats all you need to do =) N hey if she slept with you that early on, well there must have been something you were doing right in the attraction dep .. so thumb up lol
Hot Alpha Female
Hot Alpha Chick,
When I was young(er), I often made the mistake of thinking that if a girl slept with me quickly, she did this with everyone and wasn’t interested in a “relationship”, just a hook-up. Two specific failures later, I knew better.
Now, I won’t get “involved” with a chick until she slept with me. Sex is important and I won’t waste my time on a girl who doesn’t think the same way. Realistically, if a girl wants to hold out, she gets dumped–it’s a bullshit game and it’s disrespectful.
I know the whole Madonna Whore thing (google it, bitches) seems to be commonplace, but I think that’s entirely a social construct. The moment I realized there were worthwhile women who were as wonderfully slutty as I, I didn’t see any point in wasting my time with anyone else.
To tie it back–Friends With Benefits is hard because it straddles the line between Fuck Buddy and Relationship. It’s all too easy for it to slide to one or the other, for the friendship to become unbalanced until they’re an FB or to become so close it turns into a Relationship. For someone experienced, this isn’t an issue because relationships (small ‘r’) naturally ebb and flow and change status and they’ll prolly return to the way things were. Don’t sweat it. For someone greener, it becomes an Issue because you wanted to be FwB (friend, some sex) and instead you’re being treated as an FB (meat), or maybe things have gotten heavy and you want to discuss “Where are we going?”
But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile nor that there aren’t women who are just as interested in it. There are large cultural barriers but plenty of women want physical release/joy without the demands of a “Relationship”. In some cases it’s maturity, in others it’s immaturity. And I think that’s one of the biggest things to eyeball early–is this chick mature enough to handle what we both want? None of us need psychos and I don’t want the karma of f’n up a girl’s self-esteem, but I can’t be responsible for every person around me. It’s not practical, I’d drown under the weight and people need to take responsibility for themselves.
Friends with Benefits is awesome. Just don’t hook up with chicks looking for a Relationship. Wow, that just summed up 375 words.
lachlan: I can see where your coming from and in saying that i think FwB work well provided that everyone is up front with one another. I personally dont agree with them, not everyone does. But I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there and girls out there that are more than happy with this kind of relationship. It doesn’t really affect me in any way so I can actually have any problem with it at all lol
Hot Alpha Female
ohh my god, that is exactly the same thing i would have done. i would acted nice and then let her blow me off
then regret.
And imagine i am African, so this shows this stuff is for all guys everywhere.
it’s okay as long as you didn’t get engaged renege on it and then when the lover lost her job…umm…never go out of your paralell universe. Problem is that these things can go on forever but unless the guy did what you did and spell it out, it is very hurtful. One month is one month but try 8 years with a wealthy exec and then when you are down they don’t help. they say i have your back but they dn’t. Trust me, i have a good heart. and all that so I applaud you because compared to the supposed square shooter that never even discussed friends with benefits, me thiking it was because of my elderly mom or kids due to casual references and to feel betrayed when you were just the person at family functions or vacations and evenings in paralell lives. Shoot may have thought life was complex but it was not that at all. it was being taken for granted until I got old..Not nice.! So any assumption after a month is just that but after 8 years and a ring…cut me a break. Maybe I am stupid but now that my mom passed away I realized this person is selfish stingy and hoping to keep it all status quo. The best thing about him is that i thought he was a stand up human but his family is so dysfunctxional with such secrecy that I guess he is not that nice after all.Nice to himself and when it pleases him but never asking what someone else wants.. Maybe it is a turkish thing.
Dear Matt,
I’ve read this post and the one about abundance, and you should know that the universe also works on the law of Karma. Do as you would have other people do unto you. I assume the girl that guy was referring to as the nerdy girl in the abundance post is “Shy Sandy” in this post. You will find that your judgement about people and decision to use them since you’re really interested in someone you don’t feel you could get will some day come back to you and not in a good way. Let ME tell you a secret….Life is not just about getting what you want. It’s more importantly about the impact you make and how you treat other people. If you are too shallow to see “Shy Sandy’s” beauty and that she seemed to really like you, then leave her type alone and deal with your insecurity and fears of not getting what you want by approaching someone you value and dealing with rejection or success. Either way someone will think “Shy Sandy” is a dream to them and will be so happy you didn’t mess with her.
Julie,
Yes, I’m sure someone will find her and they’ll be quite happy together, I hope the best for her. However, I don’t regret sleeping with her, it was quite good and she pretty much agrees with me. Since ending this (over 2 years ago now), we have become good platonic friends with no regrets of hooking up. She has moved on with her relationships. I have moved on with mine. We are both better people now.
But thanks for stopping by and telling me your “secret.” It’s not everyday you meet someone who knows how the whole universe works.
Hi Matt,
I know I’m way behind, but your post is awesome & I think you handled the whole sitch great! As a girl who’s going through the end of a FWB thing and who got attached to the guy more than she should’ve (or more than I even realized until it ended), honesty is definitely the best way to go, even if it hurts & we end up crying over it later. I cried a lot more when things were uncertain than when I finally got him to tell me what he wanted (& didn’t want). Also, v encouraging to hear that being just friends later is possible.
I wish all guys were as brutally honest as you were! Xxx
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