There is a meme circulating throughout the blogosphere that I first read about on Dating Dames regarding the article, Ode to the Nice Guys, written by a Wharton School undergraduate. Basically, the ode is a rant in which it praises the behavior of what is termed the “Nice Guy.” Before I go off on a giant rant of my own, lets first establish some distinction between Nice Guys and nice guys. Huh?
“Nice Guys” vs. nice guys
First, most men in the general population are nice in some aspect or another, most of who are either married or in perfectly good relationships. These men also are great guys with a strong self-esteem and a clear personal identity. This is not the “Nice Guy” that the ode is talking about and is not the type of guy we will discuss here.
For the purposes of this post we will use the term, Nice Guy, as it has become known in it’s derogatory sense. Defining this Nice Guy is tricky and I think one of the best explanations I’ve found is in this Kugelmass post, The History of Nice Guys. Also, there is a nice little example in this feminist blog post and in this poor sap’s long bitter resentment towards women post. Finally, check out this post by Eric at the Approach Anxiety blog and this frustrated woman’s CraigsList post on Why Nice Guys Suck. Hopefully these writings will give you a sense of what we are talking about in terms of Nice Guys.
In the most basic of definitions, I think that a Nice Guy is a man who lacks a certain amount of self esteem and is constantly seeking the approval of women in order to validate himself. Certainly not a social behavior that should be encouraged.
“Nice Guys” vs. Jerks
We often see this argument that most women want Jerks and not Nice Guys, hence, the age old debate of Nice Guys vs. Jerks. This is misleading and often perpetuated by the Nice Guys themselves. They’ll have you believe that since they are not the ones getting the women and because they label themselves as “Nice” then all those other guys getting women must be the opposite, Jerks. Of course, we all know that this is ridiculous. There are plenty of good guys out there who are neither jerks nor spineless Nice Guys. There are some guys who are just, well, Good Guys!
Please Do Not Feed The “Nice Guys”
Finally, to all those bloggers out there, passing along the “Ode to the Nice Guys”, please for the love of humanity STOP! This type of behavior should not be encouraged. These guys need to learn how to grow a spine and live life for themselves, not aimlessly rambling along trying to please every woman that crosses their path. Seriously, they are having a hard enough time getting women as it is, they do not need people filling their heads with nonsense.
A man should not be “Nice.” He should have goals, passion, convictions, identity and a sense of self. Sometimes a man needs to put himself first. I think Eric says it best here:
“…there’s a difference between being kind and being a disgusting wussy.”
{ 1 trackback }
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I believe you can achieve the perfect blend of both and I happen to have found that man.
Past experience tells me that all guys initially play at being the nice guy when you start to go out and then change during the relationship.
It’s all about striking the perfect balance, I like a man to be considerate, caring and kind but also strong, protective and slightly dominant.
Suze,
Yes, it is definitely good for guys to have a balance, being both kind and caring but still having the strong, protective, dominate side as you say. I think what you’ve got there is a “Good Guy.”
Although, according to this post it seems like you’ve got more of an animal;)
-Matt
Matt, from what I can tell, you seem like a nice guy - small “n,” small “g,” that is.
And I mean that in the best possible way.
If I had a (much) younger single sister, I’d probably even send her your way
Hope you visit me again, and leave more intelligent comments.
xx
Annie
Annie,
Thanks for the nice compliments and I’m glad you stopped by. I’ll definitely be visiting you again, you have some great content.
Matt
I completely agree. I hate Nice Guys!! I also hate Jerks. A lot of it has to do with respect. It’s great when a man is able to “hold his own” against me without feeling the need to become disrespectful. I want him to challenge me - not be a doormat who agrees with everything I say or want.
But then again, arguing turns me on, so maybe I’m a little biased about this. =P
I couldn’t agree more with this post, and have written on this exact topic myself.
The middle ground is a “Great Man” who doesn’t kiss up and give his power away OR act like a neanderthal I/J (Idiot/Jerk).
As long as men believe they need to be one or the other, there will be plenty of success for the small percentage of guys who “get it”.
BTW, particularly unsettling is when a “nice guy” or a “jerk” figures out what he is doing isn’t working and lets the pendulum swing in the COMPLETE opposite direction. Pathetic.
This is so sad to read here all of you talking like this.You are unable to see the difference between right and wrong or good(nice) and bad on this thing you’re talking about…
All of you are abusing the humanity by talking like this because being nice is part of the humanity not part of a paticular gender.Any person girl,boy, man, woman and kids spous to be nice,nice is the highest quality and power for anybody….
Unfortunately, society has had some sort of weird impact on the male population, well the females too, but thats not my focus right now.
I think it comes down to this. A “nice-guy” is a weak-minded man, someone who gives into the wills of others, constantly trying to gain approval by pleasing others peoples’ wishes.
But a “nice-guy” in my opinion is no better off than the asshole who uses women, both are finding approval through pleasing women. Even worse off are the hybrids that come from this weak-minded phenomena among men. The rich nice-guys who shell out money and disguise themselves as being surrounded by women, but deep down are still those pushover nice guys.
In the end, it comes down to inner strength. Are you living life for you, by your rules? Or are you living life to get the approval of the girl, and your friends?
Namaste.
Ian Smith.
http://www.pualifestyle.com/forum
I think everyone has completely missed the real problem at hand: that is not an ode. While vague, odes have some semblance of a structure, a structure that should not be disregarded or disrespected. I should write an ode about it.. ha!
Leave a Comment