For all those “Nice Guys” out there, you may want to check out the book: No More Mr. Nice Guy!
There is a meme circulating throughout the blogosphere that I first read about on Dating Dames regarding the article, Ode to the Nice Guys, written by a Wharton School undergraduate. Basically, the ode is a rant in which it praises the behavior of what is termed the “Nice Guy.” Before I go off on a giant rant of my own, lets first establish some distinction between Nice Guys and nice guys. Huh?
“Nice Guys” vs. nice guys
First, most men in the general population are nice in some aspect or another, most of who are either married or in perfectly good relationships. These men also are great guys with a strong self-esteem and a clear personal identity. This is not the “Nice Guy” that the ode is talking about and is not the type of guy we will discuss here.
For the purposes of this post we will use the term, Nice Guy, as it has become known in it’s derogatory sense. Defining this Nice Guy is tricky and I think one of the best explanations I’ve found is in this Kugelmass post, The History of Nice Guys. Also, there is a nice little example in this feminist blog post and in this poor sap’s long bitter resentment towards women post. Finally, check out this post by Eric at the Approach Anxiety blog and this frustrated woman’s CraigsList post on Why Nice Guys Suck. Hopefully these writings will give you a sense of what we are talking about in terms of Nice Guys.
In the most basic of definitions, I think that a Nice Guy is a man who lacks a certain amount of self esteem and is constantly seeking the approval of women in order to validate himself. Certainly not a social behavior that should be encouraged.
“Nice Guys” vs. Jerks
We often see this argument that most women want Jerks and not Nice Guys, hence, the age old debate of Nice Guys vs. Jerks. This is misleading and often perpetuated by the Nice Guys themselves. They’ll have you believe that since they are not the ones getting the women and because they label themselves as “Nice” then all those other guys getting women must be the opposite, Jerks. Of course, we all know that this is ridiculous. There are plenty of good guys out there who are neither jerks nor spineless Nice Guys. There are some guys who are just, well, Good Guys!
Please Do Not Feed The “Nice Guys”
Finally, to all those bloggers out there, passing along the “Ode to the Nice Guys”, please for the love of humanity STOP! This type of behavior should not be encouraged. These guys need to learn how to grow a spine and live life for themselves, not aimlessly rambling along trying to please every woman that crosses their path. Seriously, they are having a hard enough time getting women as it is, they do not need people filling their heads with nonsense.
A man should not be “Nice.” He should have goals, passion, convictions, identity and a sense of self. Sometimes a man needs to put himself first. I think Eric says it best here:
“…there’s a difference between being kind and being a disgusting wussy.”