Surviving the Tango of Death

I’m standing in a small dive downtown, the place is packed and there are beautiful women all around. A waitress magically clears a pathway through the crowd as if she were Moses parting the Red Sea.

“You boys need another round?” she asks.

“Oh hi. We definitely need another round. Bring us your finest cans of PBR please.” I say with a big grin.

She roles her eyes as she disappears back into the crowd.

I take a quick survey of the room to see if I can lock eyes with any women. There is a nearby group of Irish men all surrounding a cute looking girl with amazing legs, we’ll call her Linda Legs. I can barely see her face between the bulky guys facing her. Her eyes scan over to meet mine. I smile at her. Her face brightens up before turning back to her friends.

I turn to chat some more with my friends just as our ice cold beers arrive.

“Oh there she is, best damn waitress in town!” I blurt out.

The waitress gives me a menacing glare, obviously not amused by my flirting. I pay her and leave a big tip before she leaves again.

I am about to sip on my beer when I notice Linda Legs saddling up to our group. She begins introducing herself one by one to all of my friends. She is clearly not shy as she begins striking up conversations with everyone but me. Finally, she works her way over and we are now face to face. I hold out my hand to introduce myself, but rather than shake it, she grabs my fingers and raises it to her lips, kissing my hand. Hmm, Interesting.

“Hi. Nice to meet you. What’s your name?” I say with curiosity

“Linda. You?”

“Matt”

“Hi Matt. You know what? We should have a dance-off!” she exclaims

This Linda is something else. She assumes attraction and rapport as if she were a pick-up artist. Holy shit, I think I’m being picked-up!

Linda grabs my hand again and twirls me around. Unbelievable, this is my move! I think I’ve just met the female version of me. She is fun and interesting, but it takes two to tango.

I take control and begin moving her around in my own seductive brand of dance. This is tricky as our space is limited to a 3 ft. x 6 ft. area of floor, which is doubling as a major passageway to the bar. We manage to make due, despite bumping into everyone within an arm’s length and knocking several beers to the floor.

“Wow, you dance really well, what do you call this?” Linda says

“Umm, it’s called the Tango de la Muerte”

“What does that mean?”

“The tango of death,” I say in my best Latin accent, “Is so sexy, it kill you!”

“Oh my god, you are sooo cute!” she says while quickly grabbing a handful of my right ass cheek which causes me to jump in surprise.

“Lets dance more.” she demands

I agree, however, am getting a big ego at this point. To impress her even more, I make a lame attempt at some crazy triple axis flying dragon spin. The result isn’t pretty.

As I furiously spin around in a circle, I lose my footing and accidentally do a face plant into the rather large breasts of our waitress. Oh shit. I look up into her face waiting to feel her wrath.

“Heh, you are something else, aren’t you?” she says with a smirk

“Uh, yes ma’am.” I respond

She smiles and moves along. Then suddenly I feel a hand tugging at the back of my shirt. I turn around to see Linda and her big Irish friends. It looks as though they are leaving.

“You’re leaving?” I ask

“Yea, it was nice meeting you though” she says

She plants a big wet lingering kiss right on my lips and then she is dragged away by a very unhappy man.

Wait a second, I should get her number or something.

“Wait!” I shout, but it is too late, she is gone.

Unfortunately, the Tango de la Muerte has claimed yet another victim, me.