How To Slay A Vampire Girl

The night starts off as any other normal night with Wingman Stick and I at the local pub. We are relaxing and enjoying the raucous Friday night crowd. Though I was enjoying the festive atmosphere, I was really awaiting the arrival of Darty Diane who I’d met the previous night.

Two hours pass and still no sign of Diane. I am bummed out. I was almost sure she’d show up tonight.

I turn to Wingman Stick and ask if he knows of anywhere else we could go tonight.

“I heard it was goth night at this small bar across town. Could be interesting.” Stick says.

“Yea lets do it. At the very least it should make for a good story,” I reply.

Without any hesitation we hop into a cab to begin our freakishly amusing night.

As we arrive outside of the bar we quickly realize that we may be under dressed…or wrongly dressed as the case may be. I am wearing my own unique style which is a cross between rocker and lumberjack. Wingman Stick looks like a young Mr. Rogers. The ten or so people waiting in the line were all of varying shades of black. This should be interesting.

We work our way inside of the bar where we are first confronted by the doorman.

“No. Sorry you guys are in the wrong place.” he says

“This is goth night, isn’t it?”

“It is, which is why you two aren’t getting in.”

“Why not?” I say, “Just because we’re dressed differently doesn’t mean we can’t be freaks.”

“You two look like a couple of frat boys.”

“Come on man, just let us in. Next time we’ll wear black, we promise.” I say with big grin.

After a bit more cajoling and a steep cover charge we are finally allowed to go inside. The scene upon entering was straight out of the movie Blade. You know, the scene at the very beginning where all the young vampire wannabes are tranced out to industrial style music right before being attacked by the real vampires. It was eerily similar to this. All we needed was for blood to start raining down from the ceiling.

After a few beers and getting acclimated to the music we decide to attempt some dance floor maneuvers. We walk straight into a sea of zombie like creatures. I start to dance but I stick out like a sore thumb. Whatever. I am going to have fun and not succumb to the depressed state of people that seems to be surrounding me.

Don’t get me wrong, It may seem like I am coming down hard on the goth crowd but I’m not. I actually kind of like the music and there is something I find incredibly attractive about the goth girl look. Perhaps it is the whole seductive vampire thing…or maybe it’s the tight black vinyl outfits with fishnet stockings.

There is a cute woman dressed in a burlesque outfit who is dancing next to me. I attempt to grab her hand and dance with her but she ignores me. She seems perfectly content on spinning in circles while punching the air. It looks like my normally charming dance style is powerless amongst the living dead.

Several more dance attempts later, I decide to give up. I stroll back to the bar area where Stick and I would discover a deadly new opener. The effectiveness was stunning; almost like combining a crucifix, garlic and holy water all into one little sentence. What is this opener you ask?

“Hi, I really like your smile.”

Yes, I know, it’s amazing. We took turns approaching using this simple yet surprisingly powerful line. It appears that by simply saying this one line, you can make a goth girl light up like a fucking Christmas tree.

I believe this opener was effective because 1) Almost no one at the bar was smiling and 2) It’s probably a compliment that they don’t hear very often. By telling a girl who is not smiling that she has a nice smile, it makes it almost impossible for her to not smile. Does that make any sense? The whole point is to make her go from serious goth face to happy go lucky “your not so scary” face.

With this new found knowledge, Stick and I quickly become quite the centers of attention. We talk to so many goth girls that I can’t even remember all of them. It turns out these vampirellas were mortals after all.

The night is coming to a close. We decide that we’ve done enough vampire hunting for one night. We catch a cab back home as we debrief on the night’s activities. I can’t wait until the next goth night. Perhaps I’ll dress up as Blade.