Target Practice with Darty Diane

Ughh, why does my brain hurt? What the hell is that beeping sound? I turn my head to look at the glowing digital clock. It reads 8:22. Shiiiitttt!

I fly out of bed in a panic, realizing I have eight minutes to get to work. How could this have happened? I only had three beers last night. While fumbling my way to the bathroom I try to recall last night’s activities.

(Flashback to Thursday Evening)

After a long day at work, I get home exhausted and take a quick nap. If it hadn’t been for the phone ringing, I probably would have slept through until morning. I was that tired.

I reach for my cellphone.

“Hello” I answer.

“Hey there cutie, you gonna come out with us tonight?”

It was Wing Woman. I have been trying to avoid her since a few weeks ago when things got a little steamy between us.

“Sorry, I’m beat tonight and I have an important meeting tomorrow” I reply.

Wing Woman vehemently tries to get me to come out. It’s so bad that she is on the verge of a temper tantrum.

“Listen, if you want someone to go dancing with tonight you should probably try calling your boyfriend” I retort.

“You suck!” click.

I stumble downstairs to make some dinner just in time to watch Sundance Head get voted off American Idol. What the fuck. Are Americans idiots? How could they have voted for Sanjaya and not Sundance? The name alone is enough for him to make it to the top 12! What a terrible day, I need a beer.

After consuming a giant bowl of ziti, I throw on a coat and head down to the local pub. It’s a slow night with only a hand full of regulars. I notice two girls sitting at the bar. One is my Hot Roommate and the other is a cute Latin girl.

I walk over to say hi.

“Hi”

“Heeeeyyy, whats going on?” says Hot Roommate

“Eh, just needed to get a beer after a long day of work” I said, “By the way, you left the toaster on again the other night. Luckily I was around to smell the burning toast and keep us from dying in a raging inferno.”

“Oh, haha, sorry about that.”

What a ditz. Listen, if I’m going to risk my life living in the same house with you then the least you could do is pay me another late night visit. Is that too much to ask?

I turn my head to the cute Latin girl, “Hi, I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet. My name is Matt.”

“Hi, I’m Latin Girl.”

I continue conversing with Latin Girl and Hot Roommate. I begin flirting with Latin Girl. I’m starting to get warmed up as I start to feel my witty sense of humor come to life. Eventually our fun vibe attracts the other regulars until we have a small circle of people. Someone hands me a shot. I shoot it down. Ugh, I’m going to feel that in the morning.

I’m getting tired of standing. I need to sit down and relax. I slink my way out of the drunken clique and grab a bar stool near the dart board.

Not more than ten minutes pass when I am approached by an attractive female. She is standing in front of me with one hand on her hips and the other twirling her hair.

“Umm, Hi. Will you play darts with me?” she says.

“Uh yea, sure. Do you know how to play?” I ask.

She gives me a dirty look, “of course, silly!”

We introduce ourselves. For the purposes of this post, we’ll call her Darty Diane. We play darts. She ends up being one of the worst dart players ever. In fact, she even misses the board on quite a few occasions.

I’m sure that this whole thing was just her way of flirting with me. Every time we hand the darts off, our hands linger on each other for longer than usual. At one point, one of Diane’s darts falls off the board onto the ground. She bends over to pick it up. Oh my!

Dear Penis, If you promise not to fuck this up then I promise I will do every thing in my power to get you a piece of that ass.

We finally finish the game (I won) and sit down to talk some more. There is some light banter and small talk. The comfort phase advances nicely. I like this girl.

“Last call!” shouts the bartender.

“Well, I have to get going,” Diane says, “are you going to be here tomorrow night?”

“Yea, I’ll probably make an appearance”

“Alright, I’ll see you then. Bye.”

She goes to hug me goodbye but instead of a hug I turn it into a kiss. It wasn’t a make-out type of kiss; it was more of a peck on the lips. It wasn’t much but at least it’s paving the way for something better. She put on her coat and just like that she was gone.

I walk home; exhausted and tired; I fall to the bed and pass out.